FINALLY LEGAL....
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Posted:Jan 5, 2008 12:02 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2009 8:53 pm
9999 Views
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Well yesterday I went to the lawyer's office and she is working on the paper work. So I am officially "Separated." I never thought the day would come. It's funny though, my appointment was at 11:00 am. One of the things my lawyer told me to clean up was getting his named removed from the mortgage loan. When I left the office one of my missed calls was at 11:01 from my mortgage broker wanting me to refinance. Talk about signs from above. But it doesn't end there. As I changed my cloths when I got home, I realized I was wearing the same pants I wore when I eloped over 11 years ago. The irony is too funny. But what amazes me most is that the pants I bought 11 years ago are still very much in style.
It was all much easier than I thought. I didn't have to sling dirt or put blame on any part. I just had to say we didn't get along any more. It also turns out that my separation date was moved to the day that I moved out of the master bedroom.
The hubby is being great too. I informed him of my appointment with the lawyer and he didn't go crazy. We were able to decide on who wants what and he is being very civil about it all. Sure I can't bring any dates home and I would never want to insult him that way while he is still here. We have found a small place close to here for him to buy that is very affordable. I actually feel we are going to finally be able to separate and still be friends. In fact the lawyer said she hasn't seen a couple come to such a fair division in a long time.
It's a New Year and it looks like it is going to be a great one also. So I need to get into my profile and do some updating.
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IT'S NOT PRETTY.....
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Posted:Nov 25, 2007 8:08 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2008 12:27 am
9451 Views
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I knew after twelve years my husband wouldn't be happy with my choice about divorce. What I didn't expect is the ugliness. The emotions in my home are uncontrollable.
I have asked him to leave the home, but he refuses until he has the divorce papers in hand. I had hoped that we could remain friends afterwords, but that doesn't seem likely. At times I just want to run away and let him have everything. Is the fighting really worth it?
Tonight he told me that he would be heading back to Europe in Spring after the divorce. I feel sad of course, but I need to remember that I can't continue to play happy. I actually want to be happy.
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WORKING AGAIN....
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Posted:Sep 26, 2007 1:51 am
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2007 10:46 pm
9491 Views
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Although I would much rather still have my father still here with me I have moved on. Today I started my first day at work. It has been 5 years since I last had a day job. It isn't much, but still I am happy to be working again. I worry about mom, but I need to work so I can care for her.
Divorce? Well that is going to have to wait a few more months. I had to use the money I saved for the lawyer for a major repair on the house. It's funny though, my husband came to my bed last Saturday night and wanted to know if a baby would save the marriage. A few months I would have thought it would. But now I think things have just gone too far.
So my friends if you have wondered where I have been, I am around. Just not so much any more. I drop in once in a while. Take care all.
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LOOSING A LOVED ONE...
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Posted:Aug 14, 2007 1:08 am
Last Updated:Aug 27, 2007 9:59 pm
9620 Views
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On the first of the month I lost my father. I was gone taking mom to dialysis. My sister arrived to take dad to an appointment regarding his prosthesis. It was only a matter of 45 minutes since I left the house. I knew everyday was a blessing having dad with me still, but I guess I never thought he would be gone.
I feel so lost. So sad. So alone. I have been caring for him and mom for almost 5 years now. When I look at mom my heart breaks. They would have been married for 40 years in November. She married him right out of High School, he was twenty years her senior. I can't imagine her sorrow.
I can't say goodbye. I can't even empty the coffee pot out that still holds coffee from the last pot I made for him. It really isn't easy being a grown up. But I know I must move on and that dad is always with me.
So now I can go out and get a real nine to five. I still plan to care for mom and have her live with me. I also want to go back and finish college. So many plans and trying to figure out the divorce.
So to all my friends that I have been ignoring I am sorry. I am just really busy and trying to figure out everything. For those who have sent me messages and I have not replied, I am sorry. Some days I just don't feel like talking.
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NOT THE ANSWER...
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Posted:Jul 3, 2007 1:23 am
Last Updated:Jul 10, 2007 12:10 am
9847 Views
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So I tried the Prozac for 3 weeks. All I did is sleep and eat the whole time. I went back to the doctor and told him that I wasn't depressed but eating and sleeping all the time was starting to make me worry. So he pulled me off it and gave me Xanex. I feel much better!
Now when my husband runs his mouth I just take a pill and pretend he isn't there. Just joking, but it does feel better than taking a pill every day. Just when I need it.
I have decided though the answer for me is divorce. It has been something I have thought very hard about. I realize I can never compete with Alcohol. I have told my husband about my decision and I know he is hurting. HE does not want a divorce. HE says he can change, but I don't think that will even make a difference. I love him so much, I see I can not make him happy, so I think we both need to move on.
The family has been informed and it is no secret from any one of my intentions. Some tell me to stay married and continue my life as it is. They think it is great that I get to play and come home. But I think it is very lonely. It is hurtful and not something I am proud of.
My marriage is missing more than sex. I go out and get the sex and still things haven't improved. At night sitting in my bed just wishing I had someone next to me, someone who wants me. It would be so much easier to fall asleep.
I have a friend who is divorcing because his wife says he doesn't want her. He admits that he doesn't want her. But he wants to stay married. It would be easier to just be content with friendship, but I know there is more out there for me. I don't think the fairytale is out there, but I do think there can be more...
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PROZAC!
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Posted:May 31, 2007 12:26 am
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2007 10:19 pm
9686 Views
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Well since Valentine's Day I guess I have harbored some ill feelings for my husband. So much resentment and hate have come full force. The things I blew off early in the marriage seem to keep coming to mind.
I have been mean to the husband. I don't want to talk to him. I have been feeling anxiety. So I went to the doctor. Before I knew it I was in tears and the doctor was suggesting divorce and wrote a prescription for prozac.
The truth is that I have been thinking about the divorce myself. I have approached my husband and have tried to discuss it logically. He doesn't want one. He made the same old promises. God I hate his promises. He hasn't kept a one of them.
Tonight he came to my room and wanted to talk. He decided he wanted to know the results of my MRI I had back in November. It made me angry. Now he cares because I don't care? Then he wanted to sleep in my bed. I asked him to leave. It hurt me to make him leave. To see him so sad. But I know as soon as I give in, he will be back to his old self.
I am scared. I guess I did need the prozac. I just hope I can stay strong enough for myself.
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WHY CAN'T THEY SAY IT?
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Posted:May 16, 2007 10:18 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2007 8:32 pm
9884 Views
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I have been on this site a little over a year now. I have met quite a few men. Some have not worked out and others end up long term or good friendships.
One thing that still amazes me is that men can not tell you that you are "PRETTY." Is it to hard for a man to tell you that you are pretty? Once I asked a man if he thought I was pretty, his reply, "Well if you weren't I wouldn't be with you right now." I could not bring myself to ask if that ment "YES."
I am not a vain person. I know that I am not attractive to all men. Nor do I expect to be. I don't want a man to tell me it every time he sees me. But just once would be nice. But if I am intimate with someone, I would like to know there is some attraction.
I often joke with my friends, that I will marry the next man who sincerely tells me that I am "BEAUTIFUL." But the rate I am going I may not even find a man to tell me I am "OK."
So tell me boys, why don't men tell women they are "PRETTY?" or am I jsut so ugly they can't bring themselves to say so?
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DIFFERENT FROM MY POST....
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Posted:Apr 19, 2007 10:44 pm
Last Updated:Jun 27, 2007 2:49 am
9739 Views
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A friend told me that in person I am a lot different from what he imagined me to be from my posts. I smiled and laughed. I know I am very different.
When I write my post I sound like a cry baby. I admit it. I am free to be myself. I let what is bothering me off my chest. Usually I cry as I write and try to figure out my mess of a life and wonder how I am ever going to make a change.
In life though I put my walls back up. I will not sit and cry to a man about my problems. I will put a smile on my face and pretend the world has no problems. I am a strong woman. I am a bit sarcastic, but I always see the brighter side in life. I am very far from being a stupid woman.
I can discuss classic literature to the latest gossip on stars. I am complicated like many woman are. But no if I meet you, I am not a cry baby or a woman looking for a hero. Just a woman looking for friends who want have some "fun" and wanting to laugh.
So my friend. I am one in the same. But you will only meet the strong woman wanting to laugh.
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LET'S BE HONEST....
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Posted:Apr 16, 2007 11:40 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2007 11:25 pm
9847 Views
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Ok I have a friend, and no I do not mean myself. My friend is real. We had met at a local Meet and Greet. She is almost 50. She is very kind and sweet and attractive for her age.
She married at 16 and had been in long term relationships every since. Now she is trying dating and it is not working out so well for her. I think she is a bit naive, and believes anything a man tells her.
I just don't understand what is going on. She meets men and after only a few weeks they loose interest. For some reason they will call her when they want a booty call, but she is not allowed to call them when she wants one. This is the third one in the past 6 months. The same thing over and over again.
She comes to me for advice and I just don't know what to tell her any more. I have told her to set up the rules before becoming involved. To find out honestly what they want. If there is no connection, then just move on.
Some say she is clingy and attaches too quickly. But some men like that, don't they? I mean I know for a fact that some men on this site want more than a once in a month meeting. Some even want a relationship.
So tell me, why do the men loose interest all of a sudden? I mean there had to be an attraction at the first meeting. Have I just been really really lucky and met men with a soul and substance? A man who will call and just say hello, how are you doing.
I have met the men she has been with and I find them to be nice enough. I just don't know. What do you men think? What makes you loose interest in a woman so quickly?
Thanks all
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MALE MENOPAUSE
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Posted:Apr 15, 2007 11:43 pm
Last Updated:Apr 17, 2007 8:41 pm
9746 Views
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Yes it is true! Men can suffer from menopause. I have learned that the male testosterone level should range from 200-1000. My dear hubby finally had his tested after admitting to the doctor that cialis didn't work for him.
After getting his results back his level was only 180. For a month now he has been on a gel that he rubs on his upper arms. I have still not seen any improvement. I can't help and wonder if I ever will.
Last night he decided he wanted to go out. After a full day of drinking he started talking more than I wanted. He asked me not to be mad...He then told me how the previous night he had masturbated 3 times to a movie on cable. If this is true, why did he not come to my bedroom? I have made it clear. Whenever he is ready I will jump!
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VALENTINE'S DAY
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Posted:Mar 20, 2007 12:25 am
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2007 10:58 pm
10089 Views
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Valentine's Day...I thought I did everything to set the mood. Hubby even agreed to try his Cialis again. After dinner and company left Hubby told me he felt horny. He asked if I wanted to meet him in his room. I agreed. He went into the room and I hesitated. All I could think of "what if it don't work?"
I grabbed the Altoids. Why not try something different. I went to his room. He was there waiting and I had butter fies in my stomach. I mean it has been 5 and a half years now. I undressed and crawled into bed with him. He gave me one peck on my lips and then pushed my head down. It was strange. He wanted me to perform on him but he never wanted it before. Ok so no kissing, at least he wanted sex so I went to work.
After 15 minutes and Altoids in mouth he had a slight erection. He turned me over and and thought he was ready. I may not be an expert in sex, but even I know it needs to be harder than he was. Before I knew it he put it in me. Did I mention that he never once touched me? I was dry and so after a minute he was soft.
So he wanted me to perform again. I was sick to my stomach. I wanted to just be over. But I just thought if I can make him cum again maybe he would be better. Maybe he would want sex more. I tried to make him erect for another 20 minutes. All I could think of is "If I don't do it right he may never want me again."
Well it wasn't working. I was scared. I didn't want to be blamed for it not working. But After 30 minutes I couldn't do it any more. I felt the tears. My mouth was sore. I just wanted it to be over. i couldn't let him see me cry. I didn't want him to know I was upset. So I just turned over and said I wanted a cigarette.
He wasn't done though. He had in his mind he was going to cum no matter what. Did I mention he has yet to touch me? So with my back to him I reached behind me and began to jerk him off. "Please God make this end!" I tried so hard to choke back the tears. "Hail Mary full of Grace..." Finally I felt him release on my ass.
Being strong I giggled and kissed him on the cheek and went to the bathroom turned on the water because I could not hold the tears back any longer. What is wrong with me? WHy does he not want me?
I came out of the bathroom and pretended nothing was wrong. I dressed and told him I had some house work to do before I went to bed. He looked at me and said "Did You have fun?" I just replied "I am sorry I didn't cum, but thank you for trying." I left his bedroom.
Was he joking? I have never felt dirtier in my life! I felt like a filthy vulgar that a man does not even touch. The kind that just service the man and receive nothing in return. But hell even they would have gotten a few bucks, prob ally extra with as long as it took him. The man I have loved for almost 12 years now couldn't even hold me. Kiss me. I devoted my life to him for almost 11 years of marriage and he treated me like a common !?!?
I know divorce is not right. But there was nothing right about what happened in his bedroom! Does marriage ever get any better? Is this what I have to look forward to in the future? I have talked to some friends who have been divorced and they say how horrible divorce is. One friend said it was the worst thing she ever done. She regrets it every day. But that Valentine's Day is embedded in my mind. I could not imagine any thing being worse. I do not think I could be any more violated.
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MY JOB....
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Posted:Jan 31, 2007 1:37 am
Last Updated:Mar 15, 2007 10:45 pm
10052 Views
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On my profile I marked that I am a housewife. Quite frankly I think that sounds a bit lazy. Especially since I have no .
The truth is I do not spend my days filled with leisure. Three and a half years ago both my parents became ill.
They lived in a three story brick home in the city and the neighborhood was going quickly. Not to mention their church closed not long after they moved.
I wanted to move back in with them to care for them, but my husband agreed they would be better off moving out here with us. We had more than enough room.
I am the middle of five , but my father would not agree to go to any one's home but mine. I closed their daycare of 30 years and sold the house at the first offer.
My mother is 57 years old. She has lost most her sight and is on dialysis three days a week. My father is 77 years old. He had a few heart attacks and was given less than six months to live along with his emphysema. (How wrong doctors can be! That was over three years ago!) Last October he lost his left leg above the knee. After surgery his Doctor wanted him in a Nursing Home for rehab. Each day he cried to come home. He stayed 3 weeks.
No one in my family had ever been in a Nursing Home. In fact in my family that would be a shame on the family. I know I have to care for my parents. It is the right thing to do. Sometimes though I find myself resentful of my siblings moving on with their careers. Don't get me wrong I was very proud when my sister made vice president at her work, but sometimes I just wish I was out there in the real world.
So my friends, if I do not reply to your messages or emails, it is not that I am ignoring you, but I am very busy.
I use to be embarrassed to say that I care for my parents. But I have learned it is a hard job. The pay isn't so great, but the benefits of knowing my parents are safe and happy is worth more. I am happy I am able to do it right now.
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LAMB OR TIGER
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Posted:Jan 29, 2007 11:13 pm
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2007 10:25 pm
9986 Views
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So often my husband refers to me as a lamb. He says I need to be meaner more like a tiger. No it is not in reference to the bedroom, in life generally.
I was raised Catholic. Went to grade school, high school (all girl) even my short lived college had to be Catholic. I was taught to be nice to everyone. Especially those who are mean to you.
My mother made sure we knew it was better to give than to receive. Maybe when I was younger I did not understand, but now I completely understand the meaning.
I like being a nice person. I don't mind making an ass of myself to make someone smile. I enjoy donating my time to help others less fortunate out.
My husband perceives my kindness as a weakness. I have learned though that being kind is not always easy. How much easier it would be to not care and be selfish. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be selfish. But giving and helping others feels so much better.
I once told my husband that if I was a tiger then we probably never would have married. Being a lamb has made it possible for me to be patient and try to understand him. If I were a tiger I would have pounced and attacked.
Do you think kindness is a sign of weakness? Does a man really want someone who is mean?
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