This one's for you, Breathless...
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Posted:Sep 30, 2006 4:05 am
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2020 1:59 am
14894 Views
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Recently breathelessbimbo wrote a blog about BAD photos. As I commented on that blog, I tend to try and be the photographer, rather than the photographed!! 
However, I did manage to find a couple of cheesy pics, and thought I'd post this one.
It was taken on a holiday in the French Riviera, and I can't believe I thought those sunglasses made me look cool!  I was also looking a little sunburnt, and it was a year after this pic was taken that I was diagnosed with skin cancer. 
Fortunately, it was still in the early stages, so apart from a couple of big scars where it was surgically removed, I'm fine.  However, beach holidays are no longer top of my holiday list!!!
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Air That I Breathe
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Posted:Sep 26, 2006 1:47 pm
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2006 11:59 pm
15571 Views
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Ever played the game "Six Degrees of Separation"? I'm not planning to play it here, but it will go some way to explaining this blog.
There will be those of you who know that Richard Hammond, presenter of BBC's Top Gear, is recovering at a hospital in Leeds, after being involved in a horrific crash while filming for an episode of Top Gear. He had been racing in a jet-powered car at the time, and Top Gear fans have been willing him a speedy recovery since they heard the news.
Rather than the family being deluged with flowers from thousands of well-wishers, his family asked that people donate money for the maintenance and upkeep of an air-ambulance - he was flown from the crash site in one, and without it, his family say his chances of recovery would have been that much less certain.
The British public have been amazingly generous, and enough money has been donated for a brand new air-ambulance!! That is wonderful news, although it is rather sad that it takes such a terrible accident for people to dip into their pockets and donate money for such a worthy cause.
Anyway, onto the "degrees of separation"...
In the making of popular recorded music during the last half of the 20th Century, a tiny yet prolific core of ‘super songwriters’ emerged.
Among them Burt Bacharach, Leiber and Stoller, Hal David, Diane Warren, Brian and Eddie Holland, Lamont Dozier, Gerry Goffin, Carole King ‒ and Albert Hammond.
Whether or not they had enjoyed success as artists themselves, each possessed the inspired, versatile and enduring gift of continually and repeatedly writing songs which touched listeners across all boundaries of age, language and musical genre. Hit after hit after hit.
In the face of such success, these writers are often even more remarkable for their anonymity, a natural consequence of the tendency to always associate a song with the singer or band performing it.
Equally, the really accomplished songwriters have been able to consistently write material which is appealing to new generations of performers and, in turn, to the new audiences which embrace them.
The specific measure of Albert Hammond’s achievement is that everyone knows ‒ and can hum or sing - far, far more of his songs than they actually realise he has written, assuming they even know his name in the first place. Yet, without exception, he has never actually written songs with anyone other than himself recording them in mind ‒ even though his work has been recorded by artists like Whitney Houston, Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross, Celine Dion, Tina Turner, KD Lang, Cass Elliot and Bonnie Tyler through to Tom Jones, Neil Diamond, Barry Manilow, Art Garfunkel, Willie Nelson, Julio Iglesias, Johnny Cash and Josh Groban. Groups which have enjoyed success with Hammond songs include The Hollies, Steppenwolf, The Carpenters, Aswad and Ace Of Base.
“I never write songs as hit records or anything like that,” he explains. “I just write them because I love them. And I’ve never written a song for an artist. You know, when people say ‘Oh, you wrote for Tina (Turner) and you wrote for Whitney,’ I always wrote ’em for me, you know. Then the artist does them their way, fine, no problem ‒ but I wrote ’em for me. They become what I think are really unique songs, because you wrote them for you. What I think is that there is nobody more unique that oneself.”
In part, Hammond attributes his almost matchless run of hit songs to his cosmopolitan upbringing; he is London-born but was raised in Gibraltar, well-travelled in Spain, Morocco and, ultimately, America.
“Having grown up in Gibraltar, I guess I heard more music maybe than if I’d grown up in London. Probably in London I would have heard one kind of music only, but in Gibraltar you heard everything from flamenco to Arabic to Mexican to R 'n' B to rock to pop to ‒ everything. So I would imagine Gibraltar is an influence in my life.”
It was certainly a major contributing factor towards his immense success in the Spanish-speaking market, a direct consequence of Hammond becoming fluent in the language while living in Gibraltar.
Subsequently, Hammond has recorded a number of albums of his own in Spanish, written songs recorded by many Spanish artists and produced several albums for the market ‒ proving, beyond all doubt, that the true talent of an accomplished writer is that quality songs, and music, really do translate ‒ and that music truly is a universal language.
I just love the words of this song...
The air that I breathe
(Albert Hammond, Mike Hazlewood)
If I could make a wish, I think I'd pass
Can't think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound
Nothing to eat, no books to read
Making love with you has left me peaceful, warm and tired
What more could I ask? There's nothing left to be desired
Peace came upon me, and it leaves me weak
Sleep, silent angel, go to sleep
Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe, yes, to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Peace came upon me, and it leaves me weak
Sleep, silent angel, go to sleep
Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe, yes, to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Peace came upon me, and it leaves me weak
Sleep, silent angel, go to sleep
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Penis??? What penis???
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Posted:Sep 25, 2006 12:50 pm
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2006 11:59 pm
14762 Views
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My email inbox has been deluged lately, with all sorts of junk mail. I must admit I'd rather be deluged electronically then with the endless paper trail that's being dropped through my letterbox! 
Having said that, I'm not sure about the content of said junk emails. There are the ones telling me about the hottest stocks and shares that I should be investing in. Nice try - but I'm hardly likely to invest through the Internet!! 
It's one particular type of email that has really got me puzzled, actually. It's the emails I'm getting that are offering to enlarge my penis. Erm... one small problem, though. I don't have one!
Is this familiar? Am I the only one to get these weird and wonderful offers?
Sensationall revoolution in medicine!
E'''nlarge your p''enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 i'c'h'e's!
Its h'erbal solution what hasnt side effect, but has 100% guaranted results!
Dont lose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be impressed with results!
I'll concede that perhaps it's not easy to determine whether I'm male/female from my email address, and I'm just thankful that Thunderbird thinks the emails are "junk", because that is what they are. 
What I'd really like to know is this... if I started taking this herbal solution... would I get a 4 inch penis?
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Helga's In Love...
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Posted:Sep 24, 2006 2:58 pm
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2006 12:21 am
14749 Views
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... with modern technology!!!
Yep... I'm totally smitten with my new utterly gorgeous purple (being Helga Hansen, would I have any other colour?) MP3 player.
I've just spent the last two days (my birthday weekend  - so I got to spend it just how I wanted to) uploading a few of my favourite albums onto my new toy. Having said that, I have over 1,200 songs uploaded, and that where I fall in love with modern technology. 
Think just how many CDs 1,200 songs represents. Let's say that the average CD has about 12 songs on it - that means I've stored about 100 albums on my MP3 player (yeah, I know, that's quite a few CDs  ), and I'm only about a third of the way through my task.
While I was uploading the songs, it got me to thinking just how much technology has advanced in the last 20 years (this ageing thing has some advantages, like having memories). I can remember swooning over my first Walkman cassette player back in 1988 (as it happens, CD players were just making an appearance back then, but being young and generally poor between paydays, I decided to get the cassette Walkman instead), and here I am, nearly 20 years later, swooning over something infinitely smaller, and which doesn't rely on me to carry around a whole case of cassettes/CDs. 
I can remember when home computers were DOS-based, and the screens had that lovely luminescent green glow, as the cursor sat there, waiting for you to type something onto the keyboard. 
Computer games were actually played on the telly back in those days. Who remembers Pac-Man and other platform-type games, and moaning when your parents told you to switch it off because they wanted to watch the news? I'm embarrassed to admit that my does the same, but he spends his life battling away on Halo, using his X-Box, and I don't have to shoo him away at 6pm, as I'm either never home in time to watch the news... but more importantly, he has his own widescreen telly - don't look at me like that - are you telling me your aren't as spoilt as mine?  Okay, okay, so he inherited the telly when his parents fell in love with a plasma screen. 
Not that I spend that much time watching it... I seem to have become surgically attached to my brand new laptop (Master Hansen tells me they are actually called "notebooks"... pah!) What do I care what it's called - I'm still cursing that bloody woman who delved into my electronic library and helped herself to my last laptop. Having said that, the new one has a few more bells and whistles on it that I've become rather used to, in such a short space of time. 
What happened to old-fashioned pen and paper? Writing a diary, instead of a blog? Sending cards and letters instead of emails? I like to think I am still capable of sending the odd letter and card - and I must confess to hating it when someone sends me an e-card for something as important as a birthday. Imagine my disgust when my family sent Master Hansen a text message for his 13th birthday... how the hell are you supposed to stand that on the mantlepiece??? 
So, despite my love for all things modern, shiny and new, I still hanker after the odd non-modern way of living. Does this mean I am getting old? Am I becoming a grumpy old lady in the making?
Nah!!! I'm just wondering how long it will be before I can stop cooking dinner and simply swallow a few pills come dinner-time!!! (Mr Hansen is glaring at me now, as he has become the chef in the house, and I can see he is thinking "when did you last do any cooking anyway?")
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Helga's birthday - 39 and proud of it!!
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Posted:Sep 23, 2006 12:03 pm
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2020 1:59 am
14773 Views
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Well, I don't know where the time has gone, but suddenly it's September, and it's my birthday!! As the day has approached, I've been reading my Chinese horoscope and my "normal" horoscopes too. I don't know if you believe in that kind of stuff - I find it amusing, and I don't live my life by it - I think it's all good, harmless fun!
As far as the Chinese horoscopes go, I'm a goat, a Fire Goat to be more precise. Apparently my tastes run to the exotic, bizarre and sexy  , and the best gifts to give a goat are a sex manual, a body massage or fine wines! 
My book tells me that goats are weird, as well as being creative, passionate, unusual, and wacky Female goats are supposedly unconventional and talented - creative geniuses, if you will. Hhhmmm... what do you think??? 
Anyway, this morning I finally got my long yearned-for lie-in, and then I was treated to a cup of tea in bed, along with a nice card and a lovely bottle of my favourite perfume, Flower by Kenzo. Master Hansen has informed me that he wishes to draw a portrait of me as his present (my little genius - I love him to bits!!), and as a present to myself, I bought myself a new, rather flash Sony MP3 player . I've spent most of the afternoon loading all my favourite albums/songs onto the player, with a little detour mid-afternoon, to the wool shop, to get some wool for the orders I received last weekend.
Thankfully the busiest week at work is now over, and I can breathe a little easier, although I know I'm going to be busy again soon, as my boss is going off to have some minor surgery, which will require him to be off his feet for a few weeks!! I've got a funny feeling Christmas will be here before I know it!!
I'm off to have my dinner now - yummy roast chicken with all the trimmings, and then a delicious fudge cake, all washed down with some rosé Moët & Chandon!! Cheers!!!
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We've got Moylsie in the house...
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Posted:Sep 21, 2006 12:57 pm
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2006 8:42 am
14120 Views
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It's coming to the end of Freshers' Week where I work, and I think tonight is going to be one to be remembered!!
Chris Moyles, of Radio 1 fame, is hosting his Karaoke Show on campus this evening, and to make things even more interesting, his colleague and fellow Radio 1 DJ, Trevor Nelson, is putting on a show, mere feet away!!
Tomorrow morning's show should prove to be interesting, as Moylsie and the gang will be broadcasting from Bristol, and I don't think Bristol will ever be the same again!
Just a pity I'm a dedicated Radio 2 fan, eh?
On a quieter note, I'll be celebrating my 39th birthday on Saturday, and for once, I won't be working on my birthday (sorry Boss, but Goldie Lookin' Chain holds no appeal for me ) I'll be celebrating with a visit to my local wool shop, as I have several orders that I need to get busy with, remember?!?! 
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Helga The Exhibitionist...
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Posted:Sep 21, 2006 12:45 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2006 10:08 am
13998 Views
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Some of you may remember me mentioning I was getting stressed about an exhibition I was participating in, this past weekend? Well, I'm glad to report it is all over, and I survived!!
The Wirksworth Festival 2006 is approaching its final weekend, and my debut appearance was at the Bolehill/Bonsall Trail, which was this past weekend. Suddenly my semi-hobby was out in the spotlight, and as debuts go, I don't know what I was sooooooo nervous about!!
The Saturday was far quieter than the Sunday, as people are usually getting all those important bits done that can't be done during the week, and it was the Sunday when I achieved my most notable results.
For those of you who don't know, I have a little sideline business, producing Funky Fashion Knitwear, using the latest available textiles, in all variety of colours and textures. Some things are knitted and some things are woven. I currently have scarves/boas and handbags in my range, and I'm always looking at possibilities, deciding whether something will look good, feel good, and most importantly, sell well.
Considering it was an exhibition, I did remarkably well, having sold two scarves, one handbag (I will neither confirm/deny the Cookie Monster is involved, as alleged in [post 516939] ), and I have orders too!!
More importantly, I discovered that people like my stuff, and I even had a lady ask me whether my products were sold in any retail outlets!!  Oh, how I wish!!!
I'm reminded yet again that it's London Fashion Week this week, and if I am really honest, that would be the ultimate prize... to have my accessories mincing down the catwalk... anyone know Stella McCartney or Alexander McQueen? I'd love to work with Vivienne Westwood - I love her use of colour, and I can be just as outrageous!!
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The Train Ride
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Posted:Sep 19, 2006 12:09 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2007 7:40 am
13800 Views
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Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!
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Pick 'n Mix
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Posted:Sep 15, 2006 10:48 am
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2006 12:06 pm
14036 Views
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I work for a uni, and the Student Union-run shop has recently had a little refurb. It looks wonderful inside, all light and airy, and very inviting!
Yesterday, I discovered the latest addition to the shop... the Pick 'n Mix. That's just deadly for me, as where a Pick 'n Mix is concerned, I have the biggest sweet tooth on the planet!!!
My favourites are jelly babies, jelly beans and wine gums. I also love chocolate-covered peanuts and raisins, and any other chocolate-covered nuts!
The price is quite reasonable too (it would be for a Student Union shop), so the temptation to have a little bag was just too tempting, and a few hundred grams later...
What would your selection be, if you were standing in front of that Pick 'n Mix?
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Snow In September??
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Posted:Sep 9, 2006 10:11 am
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2006 2:18 pm
14218 Views
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It was snowing where I was working, yesterday.
Okay, so perhaps I exaggerate a little... perhaps I wasn't working!
Actually, I was. I've been working too damn hard since I took my little break two weeks before, and racked up 44hrs this past week (and I can't remember if I've signed the obligatory EU Working Time directive either!! 
Anyway, back to the snow...
It was snowing where I worked yesterday, but it wasn't real snow. The cast and crew of the BBC drama Casualty were filming on campus yesterday, apparently for the Christmas special to be screened this year.
For the benefit of non-British readers, "Casualty" is one of the BBC's longest running hospital dramas, that was first shown on the BBC in 1986 and it follows the lives of the doctors, nurses and patients of the A&E department of the busy and frantic Holby City hospital, which is supposedly in Bristol, close to where I live. The name "Casualty" referred to what is known today as Accident & Emergency (A&E) or "ER" to some of you.
No doubt I shall find myself sitting in front of the telly come Christmas, and I shall try my best to see whether I recognise any bits of the campus while I am watching!!
Sadly I was too busy to hunt down that sexy male nurse Abs... *sigh*
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Helga Almost Gets Robbed Again!!!
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Posted:Sep 7, 2006 11:22 am
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2006 10:08 am
14310 Views
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The latest bill for my "relocated" mobile phone arrived earlier this week, and being as it was a bill, I put it to one side. After all, no rush in reading something that is going to get paid straight from my bank account...
It's a good job I did eventually read the bill, as I was horrified to discover that the lucky recipient of my relocated mobile had decided to call a premium rate 0909 number at 6.47am... and chatted for nearly 28 minutes!!!
What annoyed me was that my service provider was expecting me to foot the bill, despite the fact that I had reported the phone stolen, and had blocked it within minutes of getting the pervy phone call at 07.17am in the morning on the day of the burglary!! Basically the bastard had spent 28 minutes getting all hot and horny, and then phoned me and started calling me a slut because of a few photos that he'd seen on my "relocated" laptop!!
In a huff I called up my service provider, and after picking my way through various "If you want this service, press 1", I eventually got to speak to a human. The poor man didn't know what hit him...
I launched into my tirade, and explained my whole sorry story, adding that in all the years I'd had my mobile phone contract with them, I had never, EVER called a premium rate number from my phone. He listened, and then said he would go and ask his supervisor. Do you think they really do that, or do you think they put you on hold, and then have a fag and a cup of coffee while you hang on, listening to a tinny version of the Pan Pipes.
A few minutes later he was back. As a gesture of goodwill, they were prepared to go halves with me on the cost of that call, as it had apparently taken me 4 days to report my phone stolen and get it blocked. WHAT???
No bloody way, I told him. I called on the same morning, and had the phone blocked within half an hour of getting that disgusting phone call. I told him that a policeman had been sitting in the same room while I made the call.
"Hold on," he told me, I need to speak with my supervisor again."
So I held on, and minutes later he was back. They had "investigated my account", and it would appear that I was correct (of course I bloody well was, I was there, for heaven's sake!!), and they would immediately withdraw the charge for the call, which I forgot to mention came to nearly 44 quid!!
So, needless to say, I'm rather relieved, and I shall be checking my bank account to make sure that they have reduced the charge, otherwise I'm going to get REALLY mad!!!
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Helga's Five Word Story...
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Posted:Sep 6, 2006 1:45 pm
Last Updated:Apr 4, 2007 1:52 am
22241 Views
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One of my chatroom pals, HotDev1l recently started [post 416238], and it's still running.
I've enjoyed participating so much, that I thought I'd give it a try, and see if it can be equally successful here.
Basically, the concept is that each of you leaves a comment of not more than five words, picking up from where the previous comment left off. This will (hopefully) generate a story that will have you in stitches as it grows!!
So here goes nothing...
Damn right I'm good in...
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Helga Needs Gig or Two...
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Posted:Sep 6, 2006 1:23 pm
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2006 2:24 pm
14394 Views
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Help! If I were a computer, I think I'd be due an upgrade. I say this as I'm having problems with my memory, and I don't know how to fix it!!
Allow me to explain...
On the weekends I can usually be found visiting my local supermarket. I get all the necessaries for the week ahead, and when I come home, I've usually remembered it all, without having had to resort to a written list.
It's all started going wrong lately, though. This last Sunday I was at the supermarket, did my shopping, and went home. Once home I realised that I had totally forgotten some rather necessary items.
"Never mind", I thought. I'll just pop down to the shops tomorrow evening, once I've come home from work (my journey home doesn't take me past the shops).
Monday evening came, and off I went to the supermarket again. High on my mental list was toilet rolls and batteries, and yet again I had set off without a written list. Somehow, between walking into the store, and paying, I forgot the toilet rolls yet again, but remembered as I was settling down to sleep, later that evening. Talk about a delayed reaction!!
Same routine occurred on Tuesday evening, but this time I managed to remember the toilet rolls. Thank goodness, as it would be embarrassing to explain the paperless situation to Mr and Master Hansen!
I've wondered whether my memory loss is stress-related, as I'm not having a fun time of it
at work lately (I have a staff member off on long-term sick... with stress! ), and I'm also frantically working on year end stuff and preparing for the busiest week of my life. To cut a long story short, I am an accountant, and I work for a university, where we have Freshers' Week looming large!!
Add to that the anxiety of my pending exhibition. What if my exhibits fail to sell? What if I've wasted time and money on something that will interest no one? I have all these thoughts
currently ricocheting around in my brain, and it's getting worse as each day passes. 
Anyway, back to the memory thing. Recently I invested in a Nintendo DS™ game called Dr
Kawashima's BRAIN TRAINING™, but there is one small problem... I keep forgetting to play it! According to the game, I've got the brain age of 61!! I wonder if Dr Kawashima knows I'll be 39 in two weeks time?? Talk about hitting a girl where it hurts!
I wonder if they sell memory for humans? ?
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To link to this blog (helga_hansen) use [blog helga_hansen] in your messages.
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