more on my bi side coming & going
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Posted:Sep 8, 2014 6:44 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2014 6:42 pm
12466 Views
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i've been thinking about what triggers which gender i like. i notice i rarely fantasize about being with both @ the same time. i like each gender for different reasons & i got a firm mindset when i am desiring each gender which is incompatable with desiring the other. in other words if i'm liking 1 atm there's no room for liking the other 1. that said i find i loose most if not all desire for guys if i'm out in public especially with friends. not that i got many homophobic friends, in fact i think the desire would increase if i was out with them. which brings me to another gay trigger. homophobia really upsets me. i respect not every1 loves or lusts the same way. it really upsets me some1 thinks they can setup rules for that. i think what upsets me alot is there denying my freedom to go that way if i choose too, which makes me wanna have that freedom more & in turn makes me wanna sleep with a guy more, or more likely guys. i use to be more str8 when i got drunk but occasionally i would wonder what if? but now that doesn't seem to affect which way i swing. alot also depends how depressed i am. if i'm real depressed i have no sexdrive. sometimes the depression starts off as a kinda longing for a deep connection with the right women. i might see a pretty girl on the street or on tv & think wow, i would love to be with her & the thoughts of what might be make me happy. but then the quality of my depression changes & thoughts of hopelessness creep in. @ my age i have not had much success with girls to speak of, if it hasn't happened by now i got good reason to believe it never will. yet the desperate longing is still there. forced to look @ something that will finally make me happy & give me peace but something i can never have, as if to taunt me. i don't even have a good idea why i can't have it. i think alot has to do with how i sell myself, i couldn't sell water to a fish. some people might turn to drugs or alcohol, me i turn to guys. @ this point the experiance i'm thinking of is more intimate with alot of foreplay etc. more making love than fucking. it's the closest thing i feel i can achieve to what i really need, but since i don't really desire a guy emotionally it's not nearly as upsetting i'm not getting ne from 1, a little frustrating if nething but that's about it.
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my bi side comes & goes
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Posted:Sep 8, 2014 6:19 pm
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2014 11:17 pm
12346 Views
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the 1st time i got turned on by gay fantasies i was about 13. i felt embarassed about it & would never admit it, just chalked it up to being young & confused. the next time i was in my early 20's. again i felt embarassed & ashamed about it but i couldn't deny i felt so turned on by the thought! of course after j/o i felt more shame & totally lost my lust for guys, i just thought it was a temporary thing & i never expected the feelings to come back again. but they did. it would be months apart @ 1st. each time i felt so compelled to try it out for real but again after j/o i felt foolish for even considering actually trying it out & just before cumming i would usually think about girls. but it didn't allways take j/o. i allmost once hooked up with a m/f couple. i even got to there house & there realized i wasn't interested, in them or ne1 with a guy. each time the feelings went away i was determined never to think about it again & give up ne desire to do nething with a guy & try harder with girls. not that i ever had much success there either, maybe that has to do with my attraction to guys. but i notice over the years the time between desiring guys grew shorter & over the past couple of years i seem constantly open to trying a guy out. i still sometimes feel a little regretfull for thinking about it after j/o but several minutes later not months later i like the idea again. maybe it's because i'm accepting the fact i like guys to some extent. i know it's perfectly fine but after about 20 years i'm still working on convincing myself of what i know if u know what i mean.
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another fantasy
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Posted:Aug 1, 2014 3:34 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 1:29 am
12678 Views
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in my fantasy i'm living on a floor in a dorm where we're all guys. slowly we all find out we're all into guys & start to be free with each other. 1 day i decide i wanna be passed around from room to room. my roomate carefully shaves me from the neck down except for a landing strip. then he puts a collar on me that says slave. he takes me by the hand & leads me to the 1st room. he knocks on the door & the guys open the door. my roomate whispers have fun in my ear & taps me on the ass. the guys take me in there room. they thoroughly fuck me & take me to the next room. this goes on untill i have been in every room on the floor. some rooms only have 1 person but some have up to 4. some rooms i get spitroast, 1 room i get dp'd. 1 room i have a cock in each hole & each hand. i get a cock in my ass in every room, of course there is alot of cock in my mouth too. a few rooms i get tied up, some rooms whipped. 1 guy makes me tell him how much of a filthy slut i am & how much i love to share myself with guys. he was the 1 who puts panties & thigh-hi's on me before taking me to the next room. finally the last guys take me back to my room & my roomate. i walk in with a sore asshole and other guy's cum all over me & inside me. as the door closes my roomate takes off my panties & my thigh-hi's. he says with s smirk we can use these some other time. when he takes off my collar we look deeply in each other's eyes. i realize i have just gone through an intensely emotional experiance. it was real fun but it gets to me. i can tell he sees this in my eyes. then i grab him tightly & start crying. he holds my naked body firmly in his arms. after i'm done crying i back away slightly & we stare in each other's eyes for a brief second. then we kiss passionately. we spend the night not fucking but making love.
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a poem
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Posted:Jun 16, 2014 11:13 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 1:29 am
13607 Views
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my desire
my destiny
u
ur breath
ur arms
my body
naked
natural
for u
desperate
desiring
longing
thirsting
craving
for ur intimate touch
ur hands on me
our stare
i want u
take me completely
i give myself to u
ur lips
my lips
touch
tongue
getting lost in u
lying down
on top of me
i welcome u
ur penis
it's feel
it's pulse
it's thrust
now a part of me
connection
acceptance
resolution
pleasure
freedom
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freeform fantasy
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Posted:May 26, 2014 4:00 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 1:29 am
13663 Views
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i'm in kind of a weird mood today felt like letting my emotions write a fantasy for me. not necessarily what i want just some thoughts that are turning me on right now. might not feel like this @ all tomorrow.
i can't wait to be with a hot guy, slowly get naked for him, have him put his arms around me tell me how attractive i am, how desirable i am, how he wants to make me his, how much he wants to make love to me. then move forward & put his lips on mine. then he slowly strips naked too. i've got so many different intense confusing feelings going on. i'm so nervous i've never done this before. this is so new & i'm still kinda unsure. plus this is still kinda taboo enjoying the touch of another man. in some ways i never thought i would ever get to this point. but i have been thinking about this day & wanting it for a long time & it's high time to have this experiance. the pleasure, the lust i'm feeling for my new same sex lover is overtaking my inhibitions & i can't deny this feels so good, so right & i allow myself to accept sexual pleasure from a man. i realize who i really am. i admit my bisexuality, in fact i'm real happy about it! for years i have let myself & society deny these feelings, somehow fooling me into thinking this is wrong. but i see the truth clear as a bell. this is not wrong. this is who i am. i like guys too & today i declare sexual independence! i feel so free in his arms, like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. now it's time to move forward on this new road that is available to me that has allways really been available to me. i look in his eyes with a determined look. i pause for awhile then say i never thought i would be saying this to another guy but tonite i offer myself to u, mind body & soul. i want u to take me completely. and that is what he does for the rest of the nite. by surrendering myself to him i am able to experiance a new passion, so intense i could never have even imagined it before. i am firmly convinced i have made the right decision. my only regret is i didn't experiance this sooner in life because i really like it! but @ least now i am familiar with a new pleasure in life. i wish every man could have such an experiance. eventually we get tired. the nite ends with little kisses on each other's lips, cheeks, neck. we snuggle up in each other's arms with big smiles on our faces & fall asleep. when i wakeup the next morning i slowly realize there is a man in my bed & we're both naked. the homosexual intimacy from last nite suddenly comes to mind. a wave of shock goes through me when i realize i have gone all the way with a guy including the ultimate act of a man's submission to another man. i am no longer the person i was yesterday when all of this was just in my mind. i have crossed that line into a new identity. i look @ him & say u were wonderfull last nite! he smiles. then i say thank u for making me a man, he says ur welcome. then our lips meet again. after they slide off each other he lets i love u slip out, but his eyes tell me he's being sincere & he doesn't regret admitting it to me. even though i have gone farther than i had ever imagined i was not prepared to hear that. i have been working on allowing myself to enjoy a nite of forbidden pleasure but i never pictured myself going beyond sexual enjoyment & falling for a guy. i'm in a weird position emotionally right now. i can't undo him being in me last nite so there's no going back. i was now fully bisexual by experiance. but going forward doesn't look like a possibility either. i never counted on the fact he could challenge me to take our intimate encounter beyond sex into deep emotional connection. it's a place i never wanted to go near. i start to think about the whole situation. last nite's experiance made me grow as a person. i now have a new awareness. this is helping me make sense of this new development. he brought out new & wonderfull feelings in me last nite. because of that we now have a deep emotional bond. no matter if we get dressed & go to the courthouse right now & get married like we can in this state (yay gay rights!) or we part ways & never see each other again. but the fact of the matter is last nite we were 1 & had a closeness that could not ever be undone. i'm beginning to realize i just gotta keep going forward & against everything i have built myself up as my whole life i see this feels right. i have a moment of serenity & confess i love u too.
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my path to sexual discovery (ongoing)
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Posted:Apr 27, 2014 1:57 am
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2014 3:11 am
12186 Views
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i remember 1 night in my early adolescence i was just turned on by random guys that came to mind. after that maybe i had some kinda very vauge gay feeling i never identified that way, maybe because the thought of being with a guy was so wrong to me & i did a great job repressing it but i'm not sure. i came from a typical environment where ne deviation from st8 was bad but it wasn't excessive. i was never a homophobe but i "knew" guys weren't for me. then 1 day in my early 20's i woke up hungover. i was thinking of going down on guys & to my surprise the idea was turning me on like nothing had ever turned me on, maybe partly because i still considered it taboo. of course being turned on i had to masterbate & i remember feeling real guilty afterwards & allmost swore never to let myself get worked up by this again. @ this point i was in college & this wasn't such a big deal so maybe i need the change in environment to have the freedom to start examining myself. these thoughts came back to me from time to time, every few months @ 1st. each time i allowed myself to get pleasure from being turned on by these thoughts & every time after masterbating i felt guilty. strangely enough, around this time i began allmost allways think about guys when i masterbated. these were the days slightly before internet dating. i remember there was this dating service that advertised i think in the back of our local weekly arts paper where u call a number & enter the number of the add ur interested in answering. i remember answering 1 or 2 m4m adds but it never went newhere largely because i think i wanted to tell myself i was doing something about it but i had no intention of meeting ne guys. i also remember answering alot of w4m adds & those never went newhere either  fast forward a few years & we had internet dating. by this point i was taking meeting some1 a little more serious & decided i wanted to meet a m/f couple cause @ least it would still have a female so it would be a buffer between what i thought i should be & complete homosexuality. i answered alot of adds which for whatever reason never worked out but finally got to the point of agreeing to meet out with a couple. we chatted then we even went back to there place! after a few minutes i think i was getting scared & didn't wanna go ne further. i politely let them know i wasn't interested & left not too much later. i did call them back a few weeks later but by this point i got the feeling only he was interested in me. so maybe it was good it never worked out if she wasn't gonna be into it so much. eventually i began to warm up to the thought of being with a guy alone so i started looking for m4m adds. i must of been emailing @ least 2 guys & just before we got to the point we were gonna meet i abruptly said sorry but "this isn't for me." i'm sure there were other cases over the years where i could of answered emails but chose not to. then again alot of the emails had only 1 line so there really wasn't much to go on. it was around this time i told 1 of my roomates i might be bringing a guy home to spend the night so he wouldn't be surprised. he was totally fine with it & kinda encouraged it. he even mentioned an experiance he had with a guy once. he had no regrets but turned out he didn't like it @ least enough to do it again. but it did make things a bit weird for awhile. the subject never came up again so i assume he assumed my interest faded, which it did but of course it came back. i never told my other roomate who i'm sure would be totally fine with it too because the guy i was thinking of was 1 of the 2 guys who i told "this wasn't for me" & i told that guy that before i ever had a chance to tell my other roomate & after that i didn't see ne reason to tell him. a few years later i had a friend visit me from out of town & after a night of drinking with some of our friends i blabbed to her about my curiosities. i know she was ok with it but i also know it made things weird. i have seen or talked with her very rarely after that but again the subject never came up. eventually i met a women from the internet dating sites who presented her as bi & poly. she allready had a gf & her plan was to have a bf be her primary relationship, eventually her husband i guess, while having a secondary relationship with her gf who allready had a husband. eventually we discovered we weren't gonna be dating but we remained good friends for awhile. @ 1st we were pretty frank about bisexuality & my bicuriosity was not a secret to her, but again after awhile i discovered this "wasn't for me" and talk about my curiosity faded & i assume she assumed my interest faded too. shortly before this she introduced me to a friend of her friend who i also became good friends with & still keep in contact with her. this friend was also bicurious so we both felt kinda comfortable talking about the subject. our mutual friend even tried to find a women for her but it never came to that & i actually think she lost interest & again i assume she assumed i lost interest. well as the years went on i began to accept my curiosities more & more so that i began to have times when i didn't feel guilty after masterbating. but i also had a webcam & i knew how to use it  i began camming & after those sessions i did feel guilty because now i was in a way participating with a guy. it felt hot while i was doing it but after i came i had the guilt & it was stronger than before. @ these points i was saying again "this is definately not for me." over the years though the thoughts began coming back faster & faster where over the past couple of years i have been thinking about it allmost constantly. but here's where i question whether this really is for me. during all this time & as far as i remember i have not had much luck with women. i can say with confidence i am very attracted to women but approaching them has allways been stressfull. i'm wondering if my attraction to men isn't a way to substitute something i really want but is too stressfull for me to handle. i can declare myself to be bicurious & get some kinda sexual relief but if it doesn't workout with ne particular guy it's not a big deal cause i'm not interested in more than experementation neways. but on the other hand maybe this curiosity is here legitimately & i've gotta resolve it before i feel comfortable in persuing nething with a women. in any case i think experementing with a man would be a good idea. it would give me more insite into who i am & give me some kinda peace of mind because i have been struggling with this for years. it's still kinda confusing but i'm still working on it. for now & this is kind of a recent stand, i have given myself permission to be bisexual & also permission to be confused about the whole situation.
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where are the other guys?
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Posted:Feb 1, 2014 10:06 am
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2014 3:11 am
13270 Views
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alot of guys i talk too love having sex with guys, don't regret ever trying. they recommend i try it too. but where are the guys who tried & hated it, & don't recommend it? there not exactly crowding to ne chat i know of.
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i am afraid of love
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Posted:Jan 26, 2014 6:10 pm
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2014 3:11 am
10154 Views
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i'm working on understanding my sexuality & i think i have some insight into it. guys let me know what u think. i am afraid of falling in love with a girl, because i don't really know what love is & i might be making a mistake. it's alot to risk & it could fall apart tragically. u never know what awaits u. i also have all this sexual frustration because i don't have ne1 in my life & the lack itself is probably causing frustration too. so the perfect solution is guys. i know i can have sex with guys & if i try that under the assumption of curiosity i get to have sex with some1. but since i'm not "officially"' bisexual there's no risk of falling in love with a guy, so it's pure fun & it's all it ever will be. this is why i think by indulging in guys i'm avoiding a problem i really need to deal with. maybe i actually need to go through with it to realize it better.
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another way of looking @ it
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Posted:Dec 24, 2013 8:37 am
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2014 6:37 am
8944 Views
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i've been thinking maybe i have a sexual curiosity towards guys because i don't do well with women & it's a way to deal with it & @ least i'd be getting sex in the disguise of experementing. thereby avoiding my problems. but maybe i'm not doing so well with women because this attraction to guys has to be resolved & i can't go ne further untill i explore this to my satisfaction.
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seeking a thrill
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Posted:Dec 20, 2013 8:44 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 1:29 am
7583 Views
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i have not had much success with the opposite sex in my life & it's causing my life to be very gray i've lost allmost all hope. i wonder if i'm just looking for a thrill to liven it up by talking about interest in the same sex something that i might not be naturally inclined too if it's true it would cause some kinda thrill or shock.
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hesitation
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Posted:Dec 16, 2013 8:27 pm
Last Updated:Dec 17, 2013 5:31 am
6751 Views
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i definately feel some hesitiation in my desire to try experementing with a guy, but i'm not sure if it's just a fear to cross that line or deep down i know this is not for me...
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not really bi just desperately grabbing
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Posted:Nov 11, 2013 8:51 pm
Last Updated:Dec 10, 2013 4:28 pm
6864 Views
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now that my hormones have calmed down, it looks like bisexuality is just not who i am. i have all this angst & frustration & "curiosity" seems to be a convenient outlet for this. it does a good job of getting my mind off of other things. but sometimes i question what is driving this? when i'm not consumed in emotions this motivation seems very foreign to me. i guess i'm still giving myself the space to be bisexual, but what am i trying to prove by taking it? it seems i need to focus on fixing important problems. by endulging in sexual exploration my life remains stagnant.
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confused
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Posted:Nov 3, 2013 10:21 pm
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2013 1:20 pm
6634 Views
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just getting more aware of how confused i am about my sexuality right now. never realized it was more than i thought. don't really know why i'm ever attracted to guys. i know i just have to accept i'm confused & i don't have ne good answers right now. don't know if this means i should look for an understanding guy but if i felt comfortable with him i might open up in more ways than 1. not saying i wanna hookup with a guy, but not saying i don't. just want to meet someone who understands what i'm going through, maybe someone whose been there, to tell me it's ok whatever it is.
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