Joke Blond cooking
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Posted:Sep 6, 2006 12:40 pm
Last Updated:Sep 14, 2006 8:36 pm
1201 Views
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Blonde cooking
MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
Farting people
The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.
Hi-Tech
Three men, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young man pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" he said "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young man lifted his palm to his ear. When he had finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand".
The older man felt very low tech and wasn't to be outdone, he decided he had to do something impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned, he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him . The older man finally said "Well, will you look at that.........I'm getting a fax !!
Nagging wife
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
In heaven
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went traveling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: I just saw my wife on roller skates!
Free meat
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the , who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, ", go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Special sickness
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
A reflective picture
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city's stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy."
He bought the "picture", but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
Understanding wife
One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.
"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods. The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt.
"See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."
Migraine Headaches
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
Going fishing
A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they dont catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As theyre driving home theyre really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The girlfriend says, "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"
Burning calories at work
Beating around the bush... 75
Jumping to conclusions... 100
Climbing the walls... 150
Swallowing your pride... 50
Passing the buck... 25
Throwing your weight around... 50-300
Dragging your heels... 100
Pushing your luck... 250
Making mountains out of molehills... 500
Hitting the nail on the head... 50
Wading through paperwork... 300
Bending over backwards... 75
Jumping on the bandwagon... 200
Balancing the books... 25
Running around in circles... 350
Eating crow... 225
Tooting your own horn... 25
Climbing the ladder of success... 750
Pulling out the stops... 75
Adding fuel to the fire... 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end... 12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms... 50
Putting your foot in your mouth... 300
Starting the ball rolling... 90
Going over the edge... 25
Picking up the pieces after... 350
Counting eggs before they hatch... 6
Calling it quits... 2
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joke The old indian chief
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Posted:Sep 5, 2006 2:39 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 9:51 am
788 Views
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The old indian chief
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the
reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing
two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen
his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded in agreement. The official
continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for
over a minute and then calmly replied, "When
white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian
man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night
having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man
dumb enough to think he could improve system
like that.
Painful break up
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he
was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with
two guys while he had been gone and she wanted
to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of
herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine
would do. He went around to his buddies and
collected all the unwanted photos of women that
he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of
women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend
with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please
remove your pictures and send the rest back."
In hell
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: It's not so bad. We actually have a lot of
fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we
drink till we throw up and then we drink some
more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We
get the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie-
you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots,
whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead
anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't
mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares!
O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool
place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
Prison vs work
Just in case you ever get these two environments
mixed up, this should make
things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your
time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your
time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good
behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all
the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security
card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching
TV and playing games.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and
friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak
to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the
taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses
to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside
bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time
wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic
wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
Sex sandals
A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica.
They were touring around the marketplace looking
at the goods when they passed this small sandal
shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say, "You! Foreigners! Come in,
come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in. They
make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals
make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his
wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as
he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look
in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many
years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked
down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming; "YOU GOT
THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!"
What to say to telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some
money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to
ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I
borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say,
"Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm
so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my
sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my
just died...." When they try to get back to the
sales process, just continue on with telling about
your problems.
If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ
Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him
to spell the company name, then ask where it is
located. Continue asking personal questions or
questions about the company for as long as
necessary.
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
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Posted:Sep 3, 2006 8:58 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 9:51 am
848 Views
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
. . . you have a house that's mobile and 16 cars that aren't.
. . . you buy a padded headboard to practice safe sex.
. . . you've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
. . . your best laundry bag is made by Hefty.
. . . someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.
Blondes Jokes
Car Problems
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Car Painting
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch.
How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Smarter Blonde
A blonde thought if she died her hair brown she would become smarter. Whilst driving in the country she spotted this farmer herding sheep and asked him "If I guess how many sheep you have will you let me have one?" The man said "Sure." Well she looked over and over and said 73. He said "Wow your good." So the blonde claimed her prize. While walking her back to the car the man said "If I guess your hair color can you give me my back?"
Gun Revange
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."
"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
Southern Piece
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman
beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
Redneck's Birth Control
A redneck took his to the Gynocologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father:
"Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your sexually active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".
If Only
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give
milk, we could get rid of the cow."
His hand then travels down to her
crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother".
Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from
Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up
with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck
calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
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No Sex Since 1955
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Posted:Sep 2, 2006 4:07 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 9:51 am
814 Views
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Heaven In Hell?
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
No Sex Since 1955
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Killing Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded
Anti-Drugs Rabbit
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.
"Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little bastard has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Story With A Moral
A and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the , and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the to go and get some help from the farmer. The said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a , you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A Day Earlier
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."
Beer Lake
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
Old Man's Confession
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!"
Talking Dog
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
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The top 10 unintentionally worst company
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Posted:Aug 31, 2006 2:23 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2006 10:32 am
885 Views
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My Private Part
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be
very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong
Dilbert Quotes
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
Breasts
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
The top 10 unintentionally worst company
Attn: Entrepreneurs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
whorepresents.
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
expertsexchange.
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
penisland.
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
therapistfinder
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company…
owergenitalia.
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
molestationnursery.
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
panywhere
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
cummingfirst.
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
speedofart.
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ?
gotahoe
One legged gold digger
A South African gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.
After the operation he was talking to a fellow miner and said "I suppose I'm fucked now, who would ever want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney"
God created
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
The Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
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Posted:Aug 29, 2006 7:08 am
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2006 12:35 pm
1027 Views
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . .
. . . you were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school.
. . . you painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it.
. . . you've ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere.
. . . your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread.
. . . your brother is your wife's favorite .
Using The ATM
The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine.
Here is his and hers ATM usage explained...
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
The Tooth Fairy
Dear _________________,
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen
's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s)
indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other reason
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you
may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look
forward to serving you in the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
A father came home from a long business trip to find his , Little Johnny, riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. So he asked, "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," .
"Easy, Dad," Little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Little Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Tonight On TV
It seems each year television gets worse and worse, just look at what's on television tonight...
FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through
WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes
ANIMAL PLANET
8:00 Incontinent Rhinos
9:00 Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist
10:00 STAY!
10:30 The Best of STAY!
E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui
SCI-FI
8:00 Space: 1972
9:00 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction?
10:00 Mid-Budget Galaxy
LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband In Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pigshit!
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-It!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck
TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa En Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Goooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora De Goya
PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out
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joke the raise
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Posted:Aug 23, 2006 3:47 pm
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2006 9:02 am
1047 Views
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The Raise
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Yours truly,
Penis
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO Hmmmmm.........................
Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why did the cowboy love the moonshiner's ?
A: She made him liquor every night.
Q: What does a West Virginian do when his truck breaks down?
A: He builds a house beside it.
Q: What do lesbians do after an argument?
A: The go home and lick each others wounds.
Little Johnny is in Sunday school and the teacher asks the class where Jesus is today.
Paul raises his hand and says,"Jesus is in my heart cuz I love him very much."
Mary raises her hand and says, "Jesus is in heaven cuz he's dead."
Johnny screams out loud, "You're all wrong. Jesus is in my damn bathroom,"
The teacher taken back says, "Why is that Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Every morning my dad pounds on the door and screams, "JESUS CRHIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE."
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joke sex work out
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Posted:Aug 22, 2006 8:35 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2006 6:56 am
1095 Views
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Sex Workout
Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories
ORGASM
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories
PULLING OUT
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories
PENIS ENVY
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories
GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury DoughBoy together?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q: Did you hear about the new "super sensitive condoms?"
A: They hang around after sex to cuddle and talk to the woman.
Q: What are the last words of a redneck?
A: "Hey y'all check this out!"
Q: What do you call a guy from Kentucky who doesn't fuck his sister?
A: An only .
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q:How did Helen Keller loose her cherry?
A:The maid left the plunger in the toilet.
Q: Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?
A: Everytime she got to 69 she got a frog in her throat
Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.
Q: Have you heard about Playboy's new magazine for married men?
A: Same centerfold every month.
Q: What does a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
A: One way or the other someone is losing their trailer!
Q: What's the definition of a complete and utter business failure?
A: A pregnant .
Q: What do you call a guy from Kentucky who doesn't fuck his sister?
A: An only .
Q: How does an hillbilly mother know her is pregnant?
A: Her 's dick tastes funny.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
. . . the most common prase in your house is "someone go jiggle the handle."
. . . you've ever shop lifted from a yard sale.
. . . your uncle's 14 year old is out in the front lawn and sayin "Ai Pane Ai Pane."
. . . you miss your 5th grade graduation becasue you are called for jury duty.
. . . your sister has ever asked you to borrow the backhoe.
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you can leave early.
The first friday the question was how many gallons of water is there in the whole world. No one knew so nobody got to leave early.
Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand is there in the whole world. No one knew so nobody got to leave early.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he figures it's all a con, so he paints two ping-pong balls black. The next Friday the teacher anounces it's time for the question. She turns to write it on the chalk board but before she can do so Johnny rolls the two black ping-pong balls down the isle to her feet.
She turns and says, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"
Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby. See you on Monday."
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100% Politically Un-Correct jokes
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Posted:Aug 19, 2006 9:25 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2006 2:26 pm
930 Views
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Q&A
Q: How do you make your wife scream?
A: screw her hard in the ass.
Q: How do you make her scream even louder?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains when you're done.
Q: What do golf and jerking off have in common?
A: You can watch a video and save strokes.
Q: What do you call the sight of a plumber under the sink with his pants creeping down, exposing his crack?
A: Redneck Cleavage.
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah...now he has no ears.
Three blond ladies are in an obstetrician's waiting room.
The first lady says, "I'm going to have a girl, because I was on the bottom when we did it."
The second lady says, "I'm going to have a boy, because I was on the top when we did it."
The third lady says, "Shit! I guess I'm gonna have a puppy."
A bear meets up with a rabbit in the forest. The bear says to the rabbit, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies "No. I don't"
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it
Cow Economy
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows... both are mad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...
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a couple of jokes
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Posted:Aug 17, 2006 9:31 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 9:51 am
834 Views
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Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a ?
A: Your last blow job.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
A: It gets harder to screw your girlfriend with her husband home.
Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra with iron pills?
A: A boner that points North.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
"That's not a dick it's a wart"
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a few more jokes to end the day with
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Posted:Aug 15, 2006 5:49 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 9:51 am
957 Views
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
. . . somebody says, "HO DOWN" and your wife falls to the ground!!
. . . the first thing you do in the morning is check your critter trap.
. . . you've ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom.
. . . you have a motor swinging from a tree in your yard, a tied to the fence post, and someone sitting in a rocking chair that's over 75 and has a Remingtom 12 gauge , a spit cup, and Copenhagen.
. . . you have a peeing contest with your wife and she wins.
Believe It Or Not
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
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a few more jokes to end the day with
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Posted:Aug 14, 2006 7:08 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 9:51 am
870 Views
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Beer Versus Pussy
It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie
If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy
Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie
Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
Little Johnny is nine years old and is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces,"Me and Janie are going to married!"
"Oh?" Says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"
"Ten," Replies the boy.
"Well," Says the father,"What are you goin to do for money?"
"I get fifteen cents a week allowance," says Johnny, "And Janie gets ten cents. We figured if we put it together we would be okay."
"I see," says the father."But what are you going to do if you have ?"
"Well," says Johnny,"So far we have been lucky."
Q&A
Q: Why do men love cars more than women?
A: Because a car's more f**kin' likely to turn over in a morning!
Q: What insect can give you aids?
A: An asshopper.
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO Hmmmmm.........................
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do you pay tolls on the freeway?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a blind person takes LSD, would they see things, or just think they see things?
There once was a girl named Jill
Who used dynamite for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
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a few jokes to end the day if
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Posted:Aug 13, 2006 4:38 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 9:51 am
881 Views
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There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working
with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the
first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to
throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries
them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called
Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife
who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....
and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.
He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied,
"It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was
for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!!!"
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters u-n-t?"
Only one word leapt to mind...
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Q&A
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q: What is the definition of an overbite?
A: When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of crap.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know , I'm still paying."
BUMPER SICKERS
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
A fool and his money are soon partying
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into".
His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group".
Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"
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