longliner002
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Posted:Jun 4, 2005 9:40 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
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Poem Title: Where Did All The Fishes Go?
They say that there are lots of fishes
in the sea. How come none of them are swimming
after me? Where is my someone sane, sexy, and Sensual ?Right now, I'd settle for a women eating shark.
Or what about someone sensitive and creative?
What's the matter...am I holding my face wrong?
Where are those fishes, I ask in my haste?!
They must be belly-up somewhere......
Poisoned By Toxic Waste!!
Poem Title: Fantasy and Desire
You seduced me with your brown eyes
And your smile so sensual
The sound of your voice
Lights up my world
Brings joy to my soul
I meditate on your photographs day and night
Imagining the many pleasures
Erotic images flood my mind
I can’t control the urge to touch myself
Touching you would be so much better
I would so anything you desire
Wild exotic nights of pleasure
Tell me your wildest fantasies
Show me what you like
Let me take you on a sensuous journey
I will kneel before…..drink from your fountain of love
Dance to our favorite song…..number 69
Make love all night long.
Poem Title: The Dance Of Massage
Relax and unwind...leave your cares behind
Enjoy the dance of massage
Gentle, flowing, graceful and spiritual movements
Areas of tightness and congestion are ironed out
With elbows and forearms
Feel the rhythm of the islands
The subtle healing energies of aromatic oils
You will emerge feeling rejuvenated in
mind, body and soul
Ready to take on the world
Poem Title:
MY PERFECT LOVER (Sensual)
Come ride on my magic carpet with me.
We will fly from fields of roses and clover,
To our special cottage on the edge of forever.
Where we will stand on a balcony,
And watch moonbeams dance on the water.
Behind us candles are flickering.
We are dressed in the skin of our birth.
We explore secret places, we've only dreamed of.
We pleasure each other in new and exciting ways.
Then we dance to soft music
Created by Heaven's Angel Band.
Magic pulls us together
In a deep passionate kiss,
While our bodies sink down
To a soft red velvet rug.
Our mouths fuel the fire
With dueling tongues.
Two hungry souls unite
With two aching hearts,
As the waves billow,
We rock with eternity.
My perfect lover and I.
Del Senkbeil
joke for the day
A in Heat
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may
I take the for walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the .
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and
says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk
around the block? I asked Mom, but she
said the was in heat, and to come
to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it
and said, "Okay, you can go now, but
keep Belle on the leash and only go one
time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a
few minutes later with no on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of
gas about halfway down the block, so
another is pushing her home."
I hope I made someone smile today
Poem Title: Unselfish Ecstasy
Upon this plateau, our passions hover above,
flames rising from entangled bodies below.
Beautiful in nakedness, is this woman I love,
her spirit unclothed, freely offered to know.
A foremost craving to please this woman,
to peak the animalistic limits of sexuality.
Thirsting upon her zones of intense passion,
offering multiplies of breath-surging ecstasy.
Fingers gentle to caress every erotic sector,
lips moist upon her sweet knolls of pleasure.
Divine is this safari of a cloud-nine adventure,
hunting to satisfy her, while savoring her flavor.
Tender is this trembling woman I hold dearly,
rupturing nature’s bliss of internal explosions.
Heart lifting fulfillment of an ultimate victory,
an unselfish ecstasy of climaxing confirmations.
Poem Title: ECSTASY
There is nothing that compares to that feeling when we are locked inside one another,
getting lost in each others eyes,
surrounded by ecstasy,
mingling under the blanket,
fired up with all those hormones
never wanting to stop,
not caring about anything but us…
Poem Title: The Pleasure And Passion
It's the feelings in my heart
Just to know you're around
Your tender words of love
Have the sweetest sound
It's the feelings of intimacy
That togetherness inspires
Cozy hugs and soft kisses
To those deepest desires
It's the feelings I embraced
Hands caressing blissfully
Savouring sweet pleasure
As your lips slide over me
It's the feelings love ignited
The burning passion of we
Love glistening on the skin
Wears the glow of ecstasy
Poem Title: Hidden Treasure
Changing and growing
Spreading my wings
Getting ready to take flight
Soaring to the clouds
Above feels like a dream
Streaming through my mind
Making me restless
Dancing on moonbeams
Floating among the stars
Not wanting to wake up
Through the mystical forest
In my mind I see
You reaching out to me
Demanding the key to my
Secret garden gate
That lies hidden
In the heart of my soul
Are you brave enough
To travel this treacherous
Path to find the hidden
Treasure that lies beyond
These castle walls the stronghold
Of my emotions; my love
Your prize to claim
Poem Title: Body Language Spoke Love
Could see it in their eyes
No need to question
A way he was gazing
Gave erotic suggestion
their hand reached mine
With gentle squeeze
No need for words
their eyes asking please
Began with my answer
Just a tender stroke
Softly we caressed
Body language spoke
Each desire being met
Where eyes appeal
Arousing response
Every curve I reveal
Embraced to the touch
Willingly we persue
Following the need
Lips softer than dew
Being blissfully aware
We moan and sigh
Sensually expressing
In passions we unify
Poem Title: Having Fulfilled A Fantasy
As we shed our clothes
Upon the soft white sand
The sea looked inviting
We entered hand in hand
Swimming and teasing
Splashing about playfully
Dipping into pleasures
To the rhythm of the sea
As we slid side by side
Bodies motion sensually
Thrills surge throughout
Waves caress endlessly
Neath a glowing sunset
We emerge from the sea
Embracing by the shore
Having fulfilled a fantasy
Poem Title
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile but have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must but don't you quit
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won, had he stuck it out
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup
And he learned too late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit
Poem Title She was a phantom of delight
She was a phantom of delight
When first she gleam'd upon my sight;
A lovely apparition, sent
To be a moment's ornament;
Her eyes as stars of twilight fair;
Like twilight's, too, her dusky hair;
But all things else about her drawn
From May-time and the cheerful dawn;
A dancing shape, an image gay,
To haunt, to startle, and waylay.
I saw her upon nearer view,
A Spirit, yet a Woman too!
Her household motions light and free,
And steps of virgin liberty;
A countenance in which did meet
Sweet records, promises as sweet;
A creature not too bright or good
For human nature's daily food;
For transient sorrows, simple wiles,
Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles.
And now I see with eye serene
The very pulse of the machine;
A being breathing thoughtful breath,
A traveller between life and death;
The reason firm, the temperate will,
Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill;
A perfect Woman, nobly plann'd,
To warm, to comfort, and command;
And yet a Spirit still, and bright
With something of angelic light.
Poem Title Believe in your heart
Believe in your heart that
something wonderful is about to happen.
Love your life.
Believe in your own powers,
and your own potential,
and in your own innate goodness.
Wake every morning
with the awe of just being alive.
Discover each day the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life in yourself
and in everyone you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself and rouse those around you
to the potential of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
that you are less than perfect;
this is the essence of your humanity.
Let those who love you help you.
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sun out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities;
all possibilities and Miracles.
Always believe in Miracles.
a few jokes
Missed the Target
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with . . a misdewiener!
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.
Love- When you argue over how many to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have .
Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.
Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.
Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.
Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.
Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.
Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."
A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''
The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''
The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.
The Biker
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!
The best Toast of the Night
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
The Phone Call
The Phone Call
((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"
Nick the Dragon Slayer
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
A drunk man
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Two young Lovers
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
An 80-year-old man
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my . So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
A new Army Captain
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",
No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Tattoo
Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
A few jokes.
A Gypsy
Sherry goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having sex with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Bumble Bee
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
I'm not paying
A guy with a tall hat walks into a cafe and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He eats one bite and leaves the cafe without paying. The waitress is pissed and tells the manager. The manager runs outside looking for the man with the tall hat and sees him walking up some stairs down the street. The manager follows him up the stairs and realizes he went into a house. The manager asks to know where the gentleman with the tall hat is and the madam reluctantly points to his room. The manager knocks a couple times and with no reply he kicks in the door. He sees the man eating this girl out and angerly asks him why he didn't pay for his soup. The gentleman with the tall hat replied that there was a hair in his soup. The manager says "You have your face in that and your worried about a hair in your soup???." The gentleman says "Yup, and if I find a chicken noodle in here I'm not paying for this either!
Favourite Positions
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!!!
Med School
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.
Men's English:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
Women's English:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
A trainning Session
A trainning session for investigation was held in Virginia for various agencies and
at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two
representatives from different agencies
were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny
and returned in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the
woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two Bronx homicide
detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went
by......finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear. One is
dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the
bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".
Rectal exam
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
A Lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Old rich Guy
An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desparately wanted to be rich.....but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the party scene would be brief.
After a good deal of searching, she set her sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age.
After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the best hotel in town. After getting to their rooms, the old man wandered into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was bound to be a very rich widow.
Presently the old man walked out of the bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in both ears and a clothespin on his nose.
Jumping off the bed, the girl asked "Why the hell do you look like that?".....
The old man chuckled and said "Darlin', there are two things in this world that I just can't stand.....the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber".
My favorite Quotes.
To handle your self,use your head,To handle everyone else,use your heart.
Once A KING ALWAYS A KING, ONCE A QUEEN ALLWAYS A QUEEN, BUT ONCE A KNIGHT IS NEVER ENOUGH.
"The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence."
"The surest way to the soul is through the heart"
""Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do."
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."
"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."
"Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is life."
STRESS.
1 wife
1 mistress
1 bank note
all 1 month late at the same time!!!!!!
If you cant dazzle them with your charm.
baffle then with your BULL SHIT.
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