Merry Christmas
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Posted:Dec 25, 2018 2:42 am
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2018 2:51 am
649 Views
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.
"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
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The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
"Something for my mother, please," she replied.
"Something for your mother? That's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. Would you like me to bring her a new -in-law.
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Well Endowed
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Posted:Aug 19, 2014 11:26 pm
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2014 3:04 am
3254 Views
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A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Well worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
No. No. NO!"
 
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The Dentist
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Posted:Aug 17, 2014 3:42 am
Last Updated:May 14, 2024 12:37 pm
3263 Views
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One day, a man walked into a dentist's surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Forty quid," the dentist said.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds."
Looking annoyed, the man said, "That's still far too expensive!"
"Okay," said the dentist. "If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 10 pounds."
"Nope," moaned the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," said the dentist finally, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it using pliers, I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver."
"Marvelous!" said the man. "Book my wife in for next Tuesday!"
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Low Sperm Count
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Posted:Aug 17, 2014 3:07 am
Last Updated:May 14, 2024 12:37 pm
3345 Views
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A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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Train Ride
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Posted:Aug 14, 2014 2:29 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2016 4:34 am
3411 Views
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Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
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The burglar
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Posted:Aug 12, 2014 3:15 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2016 4:34 am
3268 Views
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
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Boss said to his secretary
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Posted:Aug 11, 2014 2:01 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2018 2:39 am
3468 Views
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A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking them up and he's is still fucking me !"
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10 Things Not To Tell Your Girlfriend
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Posted:Aug 8, 2014 8:46 pm
Last Updated:May 14, 2024 12:37 pm
3356 Views
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10. Come on, who's gonna find out?
9. I promise you wont choke.
8. Can I do you in the ass?
7. Trust me, I'm a professional.
6. Well, your sister likes it like that.
5. Wow look at the ass on her!
4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?
3. Your moms pretty hot .
2. Oh and you forgot to shave today too?
1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
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