Old People with technology
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Posted:Aug 23, 2010 3:38 am
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2010 1:55 pm
17426 Views
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An oldie, but still funny.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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17
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The Voting has begun.
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Posted:Aug 20, 2010 10:05 pm
Last Updated:Aug 26, 2010 12:55 pm
16675 Views
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At long last, the day has arrived.
No more kissing babies, no more sledging each other.
No more promises that we know will not be kept.
No more political junk mail.
No more debates.
Yes, today us Aussies have to vote, well this one was smart and voted yesterday.
The large ballot paper is so long, it reaches up one side of the booth, along the middle, and up the other side.
I cracked up laughing when I read the name of one of the Parties listed.... wait for it......
The Australian Sex Party. I jest you not.
Maybe I should have paid more attention to all the Political BS, and found out what they had to offer.
Are they still going to have the Sex Party, after the votes have been counted, and they haven't won?
Shame there wasn't an Australian Alcohol Drinking Party.
The two Parties could join together, and make it one big Party.
On that note, I shall go get myself a glass of wine, and wait with baited breath, to see if Dumb or Dumber will be leading this country.
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17
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Get Creative
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Posted:Aug 14, 2010 5:46 pm
Last Updated:Aug 26, 2010 1:59 am
16708 Views
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I put this together a few years ago to go with my daughters birthday gifts.
They were placed in a nice box.
GLOVES: For when you don't want to get your
hands dirty
BUTTON: To close your mouth before saying
an unkind word.
SURGISTRIP: To hold it all together when you
feel like you are coming apart
BAND AID: To help when you are hurting
TONGUE For stirring juice into
DEPRESSOR: Vodka
VODKA: To celebrate your birthday
POST IT To leave Mum messages
NOTES:
SAFETY PIN: For when your hem comes down
ID So you never lose your idenitity
BRACELET:
Now it's time for you to get creative.
If you were making one of these boxes for a gift for an adult, what would you put inside?
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14
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What will they think of next?
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Posted:Aug 1, 2010 9:43 pm
Last Updated:Aug 26, 2010 1:59 am
16682 Views
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Seems like Nissan are coming out with a car that releases vitamin C into the air to keep occupants skin moisturised.
These air purifiers will reduce airborne bacteria and mould levels.
Should you have been walking in the bush and pick up a tick, just jump into the car and the purifier will kill it.
It will also destroy allergens and control odours.
The system will detect bad smells and automatically switch the ventilation on.
No need for a shower after playing sport, just jump into the car, and in a short time, no more smelly you.
No more smelly shoes or socks. The car will air your socks, while the vitamin C will moisturise your feet while you are driving.
No more will you be able to hope that your passenger will not notice your sneaky fart. The shot in the face of vitamin C will be a sure give away.
They could make a fortune by making portable packs purse size.
No more smelly public toilets, or if you have a partner that likes playing 'Dutch Ovens.' The uses would be endless.
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14
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Sleep beats sex session.
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Posted:Jul 25, 2010 1:40 am
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2010 10:24 pm
17862 Views
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Not my opinion.
Found in todays paper.
MOST (yes in capitals) women would pick a good night's sleep over sex, according to a new survey.
Over 1000 women were polled.... don't remember them asking me.
Most blamed work stress.....hang on, I read somewhere that sex was a great stress re-leaver.
One in five blamed a snoring partner....have sex then go sleep in separate rooms, problem solved.
15 per cent cited money worries....if you are in a relationship, why are you worrying about paying for it? 
In my opinion....if they had bothered to ask me, have sex, you can sleep when you are dead.
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24
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Irish Labrador
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Posted:Jul 11, 2010 11:21 pm
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2010 5:49 pm
16857 Views
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Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog.
“Fook off” say's Mick,
“Have you seen how many of their owners go blind.”
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15
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Monogamy
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Posted:Jul 11, 2010 2:21 am
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2010 3:12 pm
17634 Views
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While driving my to the airport a couple of weeks ago, we stopped at a red light at the turn off to the domestic terminal.
There to our left was a large billboard with a naked young woman.
Written on it was:
'LIFE IS SHORT. HAVE AN AFFAIR.'
WHILE IN SYDNEY
Followed by a web address.
Both my and I could not believe what we had read. Both of us were horrified.
Is this what we want to teach our ? Get married and if either partner goes Interstate on business, they can get online and book in to have sex.
What about our Overseas visitors? What does it say about our State?
Is this a new form of made easy? Do they push this service when you go and book your ticket?
Yes this is a sex site, and there are those on here that enjoy the swinging life. Others that want to cheat on their spouses for any reason they wish to give, but this is different. It is between members on here. You don't like it, move onto the next profile, but to have a large billboard offering sex while visiting Sydney is another thing.
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20
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What the hell is going on?
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Posted:Jul 8, 2010 2:54 am
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2010 3:46 pm
18004 Views
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Ok. first the site stuffs up our blog page, now my last post has disappeared into cyber space. Will it ever return?
This morning I gave up trying to read anything, as every 3rd click on something, took me back to the sign in page.
Do they want all of us non paying members to also disappear into cyber space?
Forget changing the colour scheme, and fix the never ending problems. 
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17
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Father
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Posted:Jun 22, 2010 4:23 pm
Last Updated:Jul 10, 2010 1:24 am
17017 Views
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A man is in a queue at Woolworths and sees this busty blonde staring at him. He can�t believe his luck when she starts waving.
"Excuse me, do I know you?", he asks.
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my ." she says proudly.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Bloody hell, are you the bimbo I screwed on my stag night, whilst your friend whipped me and your other friend stuck a hair brush up my arse?"
"No!" she wails, completely embarrassed, "I�m your �s English teacher!"
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18
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Pros and Cons of Winter
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Posted:Jun 13, 2010 9:31 pm
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2010 10:50 pm
17209 Views
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PROS.
1. Not sweating your tits/bollocks off.
2. Enjoying a cuddle, and not slipping off one another due to the
above mentioned sweat.
3. Throwing on your daggy warm clothes, and slipping your feet
into your ugg slippers.
4. Not getting sun burnt.
5. The beautiful colour of leaves.
6. Don't have to mow the lawn as often.
7. Enjoying every sip of Scotch, as it warms the cockels of your
heart.
CONS.
1. Sitting on a freezing cold toilet seat. Ok for you guys, you
only have to do it once a day.
2. Not having anyone to keep me warm in bed. My cat does not
count.
3. Washing taking all day to dry, but at least it doesn't come
off the line frozen, like some places.
4. Getting up for work in the dark. Should be allowed to roll over
and go back to sleep till it gets light.
5. Sweeping up all the fallen leaves. Who cares what bloody colour
they are now?
6. Wanting a night out, but is so cold, and the fire is tempting
you to stay home.
7. Needing to drink more coffee to warm up, then having to sit
on the freezing toilet seat.
Please feel free to add your own Pros and Cons.
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19
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Another Sunday Funny.
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Posted:Jun 13, 2010 1:51 am
Last Updated:Jul 9, 2010 3:48 am
16519 Views
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The Pope was having a shower.
Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.
“Hold on a minute!” , said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!”
"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “....two million Dollars...”
"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!"
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10
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Sunday Smile
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Posted:Jun 13, 2010 1:36 am
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2010 12:55 am
16539 Views
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
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10
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Grab Your Toothbrush
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Posted:Jun 5, 2010 4:51 am
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2010 12:32 am
16786 Views
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A new study has found brushing your teeth twice a day significantly reduces the risk of heart disease.
Those who never or rarely brush are 70 per cent more likely to suffer heart disease than those who brush twice a day.
Poor dental hygiene allows more bacteria into the bloodstream, raising the risk of a heart attack.
What happens if you wear dentures (I don't by the way)?
Do you brush your dentures while they are in your mouth, or do you brush them while they are in your hand, then pop them into the glass beside the bed, soaking them overnight in Sterident?
Then gently brush your gums?
If you have a mouthfull of your own, do you use one of those vibrating toothbrushes? Which are the best, the battery operated, or the electric powered ones? Does it matter how many vibrations a minute?
Is the old fashioned toothbrush that you hold in your hand better?
If so, you have a new problem, as there are so many different types now.
1.The ones that have different angles bristles.
2.Do you use the ones that you can also use on your tongue, lots of nasties on there.
3.Bent at the tip to reach those hard to reach places.
4.Extra grip, so you don't slip and scratch you gum so you then have to find out where the blood is coming from. OMG, I have a gum disease, my teeth are going to fall out.
Too many more to mention. What used to take a second to pick off the shelf, now takes at least 10 minutes to decide.
On top of that, you have to decided if to buy the Hard, Medium or Soft.
Might have to put up a shelf in the bathroom to have one of each, just to make sure.
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14
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To link to this blog (marysia4u) use [blog marysia4u] in your messages.
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