A mid-life crisis???
|
Posted:Aug 17, 2005 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
5137 Views
|
Helga always likes to be prepared for all eventualities, so I've been thinking about my pending mid-life crisis... 
One question though. How do you know when you're having a mid-life crisis, as you'll only know at the end of your life exactly when the middle of your life was? 
Moving on...
A friend of mine has been helping me investigate body piercings. When it comes to body art/piercings, I'm actually a pretty boring individual. One hole in each ear, and that's all. My father made me wait until I was 16 before I was allowed to have my ears pierced, and once I'd had them done, I seemed to be attracted to clip-on earrings!! Go figure
So, having ears pierced already, I've been concentrating on other areas of the body. I'm not into eyebrow, lips and nose piercings... I see enough students every day to know that it's not for me. I often wonder, as I gaze at a pierced student standing before me, if they have really thought about what they are doing to their bodies. I once saw a very attractive female student who had a ring through her septum, and the first image that shot into my brain was of a cow being led about on a rope! 
I've seen tongue piercings and wondered just HOW that is done *Helga shudders*. It's said that having your tongue pierced makes for stimulating love-making... I'm not sure Mr Hansen would like me to be sucking on his dick with a metal stud in my mouth!
I've also paged through Mr Hansen's girlie magazines and seen several models with their nipples pierced. I don't want to imagine how painful that piercing must be... I've had Master Hansen, when he was a baby, biting on my nipples and I remember almost going through the roof at the time!! A few years ago, when we were on a jaunt in Brussels, I bought some "cheaters" nipple rings, and while they certainly do add an interesting look to my nipples, the ache from the pinching is just a little too much for my pain threshold. 
A belly button piercing is out of the question... my belly would do a mean audition at a belly-dancing club!! It's the one part of my body that I do NOT like showing off... end of story!
So that just leaves a clitoral piercing. Lol... I can just imagine the guys squirming as they read this, and some of the ladies crossing their legs Upon investigation, however, this piercing can actually be quite painless... almost like having your earlobes pierced. Having said that, I did once witness a girl fainting after having her ears pierced. But, I've had two which left me with two episiotomies, so I know all about pain "down there".
My friend found some interesting websites for me to look at, and whilst there are piercings that would involve the labia, I was more interested in the clitoral hood piercings.
There are three different types of hood piercing - horizontal, vertical and the "Queen Christina". I've still got to investigate further (my friend reckons I've lost my bottle and won't go through with it) but with two weeks of holidays coming up, I shall be doing just that! Who knows... maybe Helga will be starting her mid-life crisis in the next two weeks!!!
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Lip SatisfACTION
|
Posted:Aug 17, 2005 4:11 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4362 Views
|
It’s been said that Helga has very kissable lips, which is just as well, as Helga enjoys kissing. No… scratch that… Helga LOVES kissing!
For me, kissing is just the start of foreplay. To me, the way a man kisses me is the way he’s going to make love to me. Sloppy and rough tells me he’s not going to be gentle, that he’s in a rush and wants to get it all over and done with. Tentative and gentle tells me he’s going to approach with caution… and perhaps I am going to have to give him a gentle nudge in the right direction. 
Of course, there are all sorts of kisses too, and each of these can say such a lot in their own way. I’m a very touchy, feely woman (I think they call it tactile), and kisses to me are just a part of that.
Gentle pecks on the cheek, or a quick kiss on hands being held. Long slow kisses, where tongues taste, explore and entice. I’m a nibbler when kissing, biting gently - and not so gently when I’m feeling hot and well…. horny!  I also enjoy placing kisses on noses, foreheads, ears… gosh, just about anywhere I can find!
Lip care is very important, and not just for women. There’s nothing worse than kissing someone whose lips are cracked and uncared for.  Guys… there is NOTHING wrong with a man using lip balm! You will NOT be laughed at by the ladies!! (Who cares what other men think… unless you’re planning to snog them!) I’d happily share my lip balm with you, and okay, lip gloss may be stretching it, but I’d definitely worry if I found you scratching through my make-up bag, looking for my lippy!!
Mmmmmmmmmm….. all this talk about kissing has made me come over all, well, um…………………..
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Is plastic REALLY fantastic?
|
Posted:Aug 16, 2005 11:46 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
5421 Views
|
It's 5 weeks until Helga's non-A F F birthday and before I know it, the big 4-0 will be knocking. It's at times like these that I start wondering whether I should start saving for plastic surgery, aka a boob job. Let's face it... my breasts may appear bountiful when they're safely tucked up in my bra, but remove the bra and these puppies head south!!
Okay, admittedly they've not reached the knee-knocking stage (except when I'm sitting, of course), but they're certainly not going to get any less droopy than they are now. Yeah, yeah, I know!! I should have listened to the Wicked Witch (step-mother for those of you who are lucky enough not to have one) and worn a bra at ALL TIMES, but I had more fun without one on!
Then along came , and ageing, and my once perky assets had suddenly depreciated... Never mind failing the pencil test with one pencil, I could fit a whole darn pencil case under there!! (For those of you who don't know it, the pencil test is used to assess breast droop... stick the pencil under your breast, and if it falls to the floor, no droop! However, if it stays firmly in place... you're done for!)
Now about the boob job... I'm not talking Jordan here... hell, I'd like to be able to see my feet without having to lie down and lift them up above my head. Just something in keeping with my current size. (Perhaps while the plastic surgeon is busy with the boobs, a colleague of his could flatten my stomach too )
However, I digress...
There are several things to consider though. I've watched a boob job being performed, admittedly only on the telly, but hell, it scared the life out of me!! That surgeon was not proceeding gently on his victim, er, I mean patient, and I wasn't surprised to learn that she was in enormous pain once she came around and the drugs wore off!
Then there's the whole saline vs silicone debate. Will they leak? Be rejected by the body? What about scarring? Questions, questions, questions! I've also heard that once you've had it done, you have to get them replaced every 10 years on average... that's more pain and more scarring to live through. I've seen many, many photos of botched boob jobs, and like men who flinch when you discuss a vasectomy with them, I shudder when I see those pics.
Of course, it would be wonderful to have non-droopy breasts again... breasts that don't slide off my chest when I lie down. Mr Hansen isn't so convinced though... he tells me they are hard to the touch, not soft and giving like real breasts (I've not touched a woman with implants, so I have no idea ) Mr Hansen's opinion is important in all of this, of course... he is the official photographer, and chief nipple sucker, after all!!
*Sigh*... maybe I should just keep the money and spend it on liposuction.....
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Best Comeback Line Ever?
|
Posted:Aug 16, 2005 5:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4326 Views
|
This story recently appeared in the press... the title of which was "Best Comeback Line Ever.”
In summary, the police arrested a 22-year-old male, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm, one Friday evening. He was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at local courthouse on the following Monday morning.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated. The suspect went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, the suspect apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was totally unaware of his audience until the arresting (female) officer approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said the female officer. "I walked up to the suspect and he's... just working away at this pumpkin." She went on to describe what happened when she approached the suspect.
"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Harry Potter and the Sudoku Princess
|
Posted:Aug 14, 2005 8:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4316 Views
|
My love affair with Harry Potter began years ago. As a parent, I had heard all the hype about this new fictional character that was fascinating (and adults, unbeknownst to me!) around the world. I only really climbed onto the Harry bandwagon when I decided to read the first book to discover what all the fuss was about. Needless to say, I was hooked. I borrowed my 's second book, and then waited patiently for the 3rd book to come out, which Santa bought and gift-wrapped for my ... and which I started reading moments after he had torn the Christmas wrapping off!
I became as annoyed as the did when JK Rowling decided to get a life, and met and married her doctor, and then decided to have a baby. How could she?? Didn't she realise that I wanted to know what was going to happen to Harry?? Couldn't she just stop being selfish, and give me what I wanted??
Last July I was driving home from a girls night out when I remembered that the latest Harry book was being released to the general public at midnight. So, instead of driving home to my sleeping husband and our warm bed, I drove to the nearest store, which I knew was staying open for the die-hard HP fans, so that they could be amongst the first to get their hands on the book. Fortunately the queue wasn't that long, and after waiting for an hour, I walked away with 3 copies... one for my , one for my sister (who lives in South Africa, and posting the book to her cost MORE than the actual cost of the book) and one for me. I went home and fell into bed, mission accomplished.
Next morning, and for several days after that, Harry Potter ruled my life. I carted that huge book every where, and finished it within a week. And then we were done... for another year.
This year I didn't go and stand in a queue in the middle of the night... I waited until the next morning, and went down to my local Tesco, where they still had plenty of copies. Again I purchased 3 copies (although I've not sent my sister her copy yet), and brought them home. And guess what? I've not read the first chapter yet...
Have I lost interest in the whole Harry Potter thing? Well, no.... I've just become addicted to something else!!
What would you say if I said I was now hooked on a 9 x 9 grid which is divided into nine 3 x 3 mini grids? Have I lost you? And what if I said that some numbers appear in this grid, and that the aim of this game is to fill in the rest of the grid in such a way that no number appears twice in the same row, column OR box?
The oject of the puzzle is to fill in all the remaining squares with the numbers from 1 to 9, so that each row contains all the number from 1 to 9; each column contains all the numbers from 1 to 9; each 3 x 3 box contains all the numbers 1 to 9. Confused yet?
Well, don't be!! I'm talking about sudoku, a craze that has hit the western world with a vengeance!! The puzzle is based on a square grid (such as crosswords and chess), and sudoku can be easy, or it can be a challenge to test the most committed of puzzlers. A well- constructed sudoku puzzle has only one solution, and to find it you should be able to proceed in a logical step-by-step manner. No arithmetical abilities are required, and no calculations are needed. It's entirely a test of logic, but one that requires much perserverance and patience!! 
I know you're thinking I'm losing my marbles... but I dare you to try an easy one, and then tell me you're not itching to try another!!!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Helga's Album of the Week
|
Posted:Aug 14, 2005 3:42 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4366 Views
|
It was raining yesterday, so it seemed an ideal time to go and browse my favourite music store. Several purchases were made, amongst them being an album I am finding hard to stop listening to!!
I know I'm a bit late in the game, but the "new" Oasis album, Don't Believe The Truth has some excellent tracks. The first single Lyla had extensive airplay, but I wasn't impressed enough to go out and buy the album.
All this changed, however, with the release of The Importance of Being Idle.... WOW!!! For me this is Oasis as they were when they first took the music world by storm and earned themselves the title as Kings of BritPop.
Needless to say, I shall be adding this album to my MP3 player TODAY!!
Why not see for yourselves... whatever you may think of those Gallagher brothers, you have to admit they make good music!!
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
|
|
Scent of a woman...
|
Posted:Aug 13, 2005 1:11 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4373 Views
|
Earlier this week I travelled up to Newcastle by plane for some shoe shopping, and used the opportunity to stock up on my favourite perfume in the No-Longer-Duty-Free shop.
All Helga's male friends should please take note of the following... Helga likes Flower by Kenzo and Jean Paul Gaultier's perfume for women Ladies never like to receive a scent they've not used before, because what may smell nice on your mum might smell like a cat's peed on them.
One year I received some perfume from my husband for my birthday, and I remember being VERY impressed that he had bought the right one. Lol... it was a few days later that my mother asked me if he had bought the right scent... apparently Mr Hansen had rung my mother up in a flat panic, because he couldn't remember whether I liked White Satin or White Linen Fortunately my mother had known the answer and saved the day!
Years ago, when I was a younger Helga, I used many various fragrances... some a bit on the powerful side, if I correctly recall, and some quite pleasant. I can't imagine what went through the minds of people when I was wearing my Obsession fragrance... I think that was really strong and enough to give any man a headache if he wanted to get up close and personal!
I have noticed that as I advance in age that my tastes have become muted (I would like to think "classy" ), and I'm now down to only two favourite perfumes, as opposed to a shelf full of fragrances vying for my attention. Flower is for the daytime... quiet and understated. perfume for woman is for the evenings, when I want to create an air of mystery as I sail past all those yummy men down at Bar Ha Ha on a Friday night... when I can be bothered to go!! ha ha
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
Hands off my undies!!
|
Posted:Aug 13, 2005 3:30 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4426 Views
|
Yesterday, while I was happily chatting away in the Euro Hot Tub, the door opened and some new chatters came in. Next thing I knew, someone was inviting me to their network. No, no, no, no, no!!!!!!
Okay, okay... I understand that standard guys can't read all of my profile (it slightly annoys me, but hey, I'll live with it)
I do, however, get more than slightly annoyed by silver and gold members, who gush on about how lovely my photos are, but never bother to read the profile Grrrrr!! If they did, they would see that I don't accept network invites. I prefer to make them. The folk in my network are people I would consider "friends", some I've met, some I've chatted with privately, and others just very nice people that I like having in my network.
So, it was with a sigh that I noticed the grey box, indicating the network invite... but my sigh turned to a smothered gasp when I noticed the little (T) next to the handle.
Now don't get me wrong... I'm a firm believer in that it takes all kinds to make this world (however fucked up and weird it has become), but guys... if I'm honest, I prefer you when you're men, not men wanting to be women!!
Admittedly, it wasn't my first invite from a tranny... I remember getting one months ago, and at that time, one of my Tub buddies told me that the inviter was probably more interested in my colourful underwear collection than he was in me.
I was mildly flattered by that thought, but still felt slightly bemused by it all. So, if that was his motivation, why not just send me an email, saying "nice undies, can you tell me where you got them?"... I'd find that much easier to cope with than an invite in a public forum... especially as it takes all my diplomatic powers to turn him down gently, without he and the rest of the room thinking I'm a Tranny-phobe, which I'm not... it's just not for me.
I'm more than happy to share the source of my underwear... and letting the right hands help me remove them!!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Frogs Princes and Ugly Sisters
|
Posted:Aug 12, 2005 8:18 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4462 Views
|
Rumour has it that before a girl can expect to meet her Prince Charming, that she has to kiss a few toads.
Does this mean that the boys have to kiss a few Ugly Sisters before they meet their Cinderella?
A few other bloggers have lately been writing about appearances, and whether you can believe all you see/read on profiles? I guess we all have to adopt the "seeing is believing" tack, but even then I wonder if that is enough?
When I first joined A F F, I wasn't planning to meet anyone. Then, as I became more comfortable with the idea, I decided to be brave and meet someone. My very first A F F meet is a wonderful man, and we're still in contact with one another and meet up as often as our schedules will allow. I say he's nice, because he is when I'm with him... but if I'm honest, I don't know much about him. I know his name, and have a vague idea of where he lives. I know things from snippets of chat/conversation we've had. But I don't really "know" him... and I'm pretty sure he would say the same about me.
I guess that's the downside to a site such as this. Nine times out of 10, we're in relationships with other people ourselves, and not looking for a husband/wife. So, because we're not looking for these things, we don't ask the same questions we would of someone we were perhaps getting into a serious relationship with.
Having said that... we still have standards, and people we plan to meet up with must fill certain criteria. My one most important criteria is height. I'm a tall girl, and just happen to have a thing for tall men (and yes, I have heard that it makes no difference when you're horizontal!! ) Does that make me shallow? I hope not... but then I tell myself that I'm pretty sure a man does the same when taking a peek at my profile
One thing I have learnt over time, though, is that I shouldn't get so hung up on my looks. I am my own worst enemy at times, and tend to describe myself as one of the Ugly Sisters. I'm not claiming to be anyone's Cinderella, just like I know that yes, I probably will lock lips with a toad or two, but at least I'm having fun and at the end of the day, that's what it's all about!!
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Leather Handbags...
|
Posted:Aug 8, 2005 10:41 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4493 Views
|
papyrina (see Papys diary,) has written a very interesting, AND MUST READ piece on breast cancer, on how every 13 minutes, a woman dies of breast cancer.
In the ensuing comments, the subject of skin cancer came up, and I'd like to second both Papy and Bellinda's comments on skin cancer.
In January 2000, I became aware of a mole that looked damaged (it was red and weeping, and wouldn't heal). I went off to visit my GP, who referred me to an excellent Pigmentation Lesion Clinic here in Bristol. I had my first appointment within days of visting my GP. At that appointment several photographs were taken of this particular mole, and a further appointment (6 months later) was made. Those 6 months were hell... it was the not knowing that was the worst.
Six months passed and I was back at the clinic, where another set of photos were taken, and it was within days of this that I received a letter from the clinic advising me that they wished to perform a biopsy. I duly went for said biopsy, and two weeks later was told the words I had been dreading... malignant . Further surgery was immediately arranged, and in July 2000 I had further skin around the original biopsy site removed.
I had spent many years living in South Africa, where the glorious sunshine lured me, as a , to bronze my body. My specialist told me that skin cancer is becoming one of the most common forms of cancer in the UK, as the British flock to hot spots around the world, and forget/use the wrong factor sun protection. People often only apply protection once a day, when it should be re-applied at least every hour, more often if you have been swimming.
Men are more prone to getting skin cancer on their torsos (how many men do we see in holiday spots with their shirts off, and bright red backs glowing back at us??) and women are prone to getting skin cancer on their arms and legs (one of my biopsies is on my left forearm).
Even more worrying...
A recent television programme here also revealed the prolific use of sun beds by girls under the age of 16, which is actually illegal in the UK. Girls see their idols (pop and movie stars) looking all tanned and beautiful, and in order to emulate them, rush off to top up their tans on sun beds. Quite often these stars have actually spent a fortune on fake tans (the cost sometimes being totally out of reach for teenagers). A young 13 yr old who frequently visited sunbeds, was taken down to London by the investigating reporter, where a special photograph (which reveals skin damage) was taken of her face, and it was quite shocking to see the level of damage to her young skin!!
Despite all this information being out in the public domain, I am still surprised that women are so obsessed with tanning... has nobody told them that their skin could end up looking like an old leather handbag???
*** Footnote - I tried creating a link to Papy's blog, but failed miserably Oh well, I guess I can't be good at everything!!
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Hot Air
|
Posted:Aug 7, 2005 11:44 pm
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2006 2:12 pm
4389 Views
|
Each summer (second weekend in August, to be precise) the city I now call home hosts the Bristol International Balloon Fiesta, the largest event of its kind in Europe, at Ashton Court Mansion.
Hot air balloon pilots from all over the world gather here, and it is quite an amazing sight to see 200 hot air balloons all inflated and ready to launch. I can see some of you shaking your head in bemusement... "so what" you're thinking, "they're hot air balloons, big deal!" Well, normally I would consider agreeing with you, but I've always loved the sight of a hot air balloon drifing gently across the sky. What makes this fiesta so special is exactly that... the "special-shaped" balloons.
I've seen Thomas The Tank Engine, Skydiving Action Man, a Scottish bagpiper, a fire hydrant , a Coca Cola bottle, a boy in a supermarket shopping trolley... the list of special shapes is endless, and has to been seen to be believed. British favourites like Bertie Bassett are there, along with the very recognisable day-glo orange RAC roadside emergency van. One balloon that will have you thinking perhaps you've been sipping at the cider for too long is the Upside Down balloon. It can usually be seen in tandem with its mate, the Rightside Up balloon.
The festivities kick off on Thursday with a free pop concert, sponsored by one of the city's commercial radio stations, and the evening ends with the fabulous Night Glow. Here about 30 balloons are tethered, and their burners are fired in time to music. This is well choreographed, and the finale comes with fireworks, which have the crowd suitably oo-ing and aah-ing.
On Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning (6am) and in the evening (6pm) there is a mass ascent, where all the balloons lift off (suitable weather conditions are a priority). There is another Night Glow on Saturday evening, and there is a carnival atmosphere in the ground. Over 100,000 people visit each day, and I would recommend this festival to everyone! So, if you live in the UK, and you've got nothing planned this weekend, why not come down and enjoy this wonderful event yourselves. And for our foreign readers... if you're planning a visit to this beautiful country, try to remember the Bristol International Balloon Fiesta!!
See you there!!
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
|
|
To link to this blog (helga_hansen) use [blog helga_hansen] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
231
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
|
|
|
