Toy Story...
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Posted:Aug 26, 2005 12:37 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4311 Views
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Why do some men get intimidated by sex toys?  Okay, you can get HUGE ones and they can turn us on at the touch of a button, but that's not the same as a good, thorough seeing to.  Vibrators are great for orgasms, but any man who thinks sex is just about the climax isn't doing it right!  We like snogging, feeling skin on skin, and giving pleasure too. Not even the best sex toy can offer that!! 
Paging through my new favourite magazine Scarlet The Magazine That Turns Women On I came across some interesting new toys. These range in price from VERY expensive (£200 for the Pelvic Muscle Trainer Kegel Exerciser) to cheap and cheerful (£20 for a vibrating tongue ring).
The Pelvic Muscle Trainer Kegel Trainer is actually designed for women who suffer from stress incontinence, but it comes highly recommended if you want to tighten up your sex muscles and make them more responsive. Basically, it's a plastic tampon that you insert, which is powered by a wireless unit and it tones you up by delivering mild electric currents to your bits, making the muscles clench. You can control how strong the pulsing is... so no panicking that you'll be making your pubic hairs stand on end!!
The Tiggler is a vibrating tongue ring, and only really of any interest if you have a pierced tongue. Apparently you take out your normal barbell, and poke the Tiggler through the piercing. You then screw in the specially-designed watch battery underneath your tongue, and away you go! The review states not to bother making conversation... you'll feel like a hive of bees is nesting in your mouth!!! The review also rated it highly for novelty value, but did say it would be better for him-on-you rather than you-on-him action.
Whatever toys you have, I hope that you all have fun playing... I know I will!!
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Keeping in Touch...
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Posted:Aug 26, 2005 12:07 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4036 Views
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Let's be honest here... why is the topic of masturbation such a taboo one outside of the A F F world???  Helga can remember furtive fumbles under the covers when she was in her teens, and even once she'd married, she remembers NEVER letting her husband know that she was playing with herself.
Thankfully, times have changed in the Hansen bedroom, and "keeping in touch" has become part of foreplay. Watching Mr Hansen play with himself has helped me know what he likes/dislikes, and I guess the same goes for me.
Obviously having a lover means you have to "learn" these skills again, because one of the wonderful things in life is that we're not all the same!!! I'd like to think that my lover will not assume he knows it all, and won't mind if I guide him in the right direction...
Remember Lover A? Mmmmmmmm..... I certainly do.... oops! Did I just say that out loud? He is a source of endless information, and just recently he told me about an interesting website on masturbation techniques. There, on the first page, was an answer to my melon question Are fruit and sex a good combination? which I posed back in April. Basically the technique is the same as pumpkin man in Best Comeback Line Ever?...
Take a melon, cut open a hole and clean the inside from seeds. Put your hard dick inside and feel the sweetness of the fruit. Start to pump away. Don't worry about the mess, use the melon.
Here's one that made me smile (and if you suddenly seem to have missing water wings, here's the reason why!!)
Take a pair of ' water wings, the kind they use when they are swimming. Blow them up and use some glycerine, and you'll have the best masturbation session of your life! The feeling is so sweet that you'll be pumping up all summer long. And don't worry about the mess cause you can ejaculate in the water wings.
Of course there are techniques for the ladies too...
Sit on top of a washing machine or dryer. Don't touch yourself. Just let the vibrations do their magic with your vagina. This technique will get you in the mood to do anything.
Suddenly housework looks very attractive!!
My favourite is this one, especially at work... (Hey... who said a girl can only be horny at home!! )
Put on a pair of tight jeans. You'll notice that there's a thick seam located right near your clit. Sit firmly in a chair and rock back and forth moving it across your clit. The pressure feels amazing.
The most interesting thing about this site is that all these techniques were posted by your average Joe/Josephine Blogs. Not sexperts or doctors, but just normal people like you and me.
It would be interesting to read what techniques YOU use... so please, feel free to share!!
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Talking of taste....
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Posted:Aug 25, 2005 3:56 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4304 Views
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Intimate conversations are always interesting, and very, very revealing...
I can remember the first time I tasted myself... it was in the middle of a hot phone sex session, and his voice was growling in my ear. Talking to him always turned me on, and this particular morning was no exception. Mr Hansen had already left for work, and the Phone Lover was apparently in his office too. He was telling... and I was doing...
"Slide your fingers into your wet pussy, you naughty girl, and then suck your fingers. I want to hear you sucking them."
Oh my... now don't get me wrong... I love playing with myself, and I can always smell my scent when I'm feeling hot and horny, and in the quiet of the morning, as I slide my fingers in, I can hear just how wet and hot. One thing I'd never done, though, was lick my fingers...
"Are you doing as I asked? I want you to coat your fingers with that delicious wetness, and then I want to hear you tasting it."
I did as I was told (I found his dominance a real turn-on) and as I raised my fingers to my mouth my familiar scent hit my nostrils. I opened my mouth and slowly placed my fingers on my tongue...
Why was I so hesitant? Why, if my partner enjoys that taste, did I think I wouldn't? I've always wondered about men who expected women to "swallow", but pulled a face when you asked if they had tasted themselves... what a hypocrite I was!!
"Mmmmm.... yes.... I can hear you licking those fingers... god, you're making me so horny! Tell me what you taste like.
Well... I could see why men call it a "honey-pot"... the taste was sort of sweet, but then there was a slight salty/savoury flavour too.
And this is where intimate conversations come into it all... in a recent conversation I was having with Lover A, we spoke about cunning linguists and then Lover A says "anchovies". He says women taste fishy!!!
At first I giggled... "be serious," I said. "I am being serious" he said. My mind was churning at this stage... right there, in the coffee shop, I wanted to unzip my jeans, and check that I DIDN'T taste of anchovies!! I restrained myself, but he sat there with a knowing grin on his face.
Since that conversation I've been wondering how to ask Mr Hansen if he smells fish whenever he's being a cunning linguist...
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It all makes sense...
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Posted:Aug 25, 2005 1:08 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3885 Views
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Lights were out, Mr Hansen was snoring, and Helga was lost in her thoughts...
Have you ever noticed how we take our senses for granted? I know I do... I just live my life, and yes, so I see, I smell, I touch, I taste and I hear, but I never give it a second thought. Last night, when the lights were off, and Mr Hansen was zzzzzzz'ing his way to the morning, I suddenly became aware of those senses.
Seeing... I see him standing before me, his eyes on mine... I see the desire in his eyes...
Smelling... as our bodies touch, I can smell him... his unique smell, only to be associated with him...
Touching... my hands slide up his chest, feeling his warmth, his nipples puckering as I run my fingers over them...
Tasting... the passion on his lips... our tongues duelling... licking his skin, enjoying the saltiness of the dewy drop of pre-cum as my mouth wraps around him...
Hearing... his breath catching as I love him... his groans of pleasure...
Oh, my sweet darling!
I am overwhelmed with a burning desire
A desire locked down deep inside
One that cannot be concealed anymore.
I long for one sweet kiss to quench my thirst
I long for one tender touch that will last a lifetime
At the end of it all you are my deepest desire!
It is all these senses that make up the memories of pleasure, of time spent together... as you lead me up that stairway to heaven!!
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A fishy tail...
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Posted:Aug 24, 2005 9:59 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4125 Views
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Helga is dusting down her mermaid fins and heading back to the water tonight...
"Would one of you please get off" were the last things I heard my bathroom scales say as they went sailing out the bathroom window this morning. I don't know why I bothered weighing myself... it always depresses me when I see those numbers soar up the charts.
Yeah, I know... you're looking at my pics and thinking "not bad, what is she on about?" but it's amazing what cut and paste in Photo Shop can produce! Yes... they ARE my breasts, and no, I am NOT showing any more flesh!!
When I was a younger Helga I lived in the water. I stank of chlorine on a permanent basis, and my Speedo was like a second skin. I was a good swimmer too, and front crawl was my forte. A decade and a half later I found myself back in the water, after being persuaded by a friend that no one was going to notice the whale splashing about in the deep end.
It wasn't long before I was clocking up my usual mile and a half in the hour I spent there, and I even got myself a trainer and worked on getting rid of all the old bad habits that you develop when you stop doing something seriously. I was going three times a week, and my flabby arse was turning into a nice tight butt!
Then I got it into my head to do a degree course with Open University, and if that wasn't bad enough, I decided to change jobs AND become the treasurer of the PTA at my 's school... WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! All this meant I had to drop something, and that something became swimming. First it was down to twice a week... and then once a week, and then giving bizarre excuses not to go at all.
I should have gone back once my exams were over and my life was sort of back to normal, but last September I fell down some stairs and injured my back  I thought I hadn't injured myself as badly as I had... until the day before my second last exam, when I thought someone had whacked me over the back with an iron bar... I was in AGONY!! Fortunately there was a happy ending (nothing some decent drugs couldn't cure)... and I even produced some amazing exam results!! In the process of my recovery I was also diagnosed with osteo-arthritis, which means I can work on taking precautions earlier on in life.
So, while my fellow Euro Hot Tubbers are dipping their feet in the virtual warm bubbly waters of the Tub tonight, I shall be ploughing back and forth, racking up the miles... tight butt, here I come!!
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Alcohol without food is never a good idea...
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Posted:Aug 24, 2005 7:29 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4051 Views
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Helga is staring at the two empty wine bottles that she managed to polish off all by herself last night...
I'm not a big drinker. I guess growing up in a house where the alcohol flowed far too freely sort of put me off alcohol. Until recently I'd disliked whisky as it's my father's drink of choice (too many bad memories) but my husband has taught me that there is nothing wrong with sharing a nice mellow single malt.
I'm not really a beer drinker either, but I do like to have a lager shandy once in a while, and if we're abroad, I do enjoy drinking Hoegaarden Blonde (with a slice of lemon) and Bellevue Kriek (a cherry beer from Belgium).
So my tipple of choice is wine. White wine to be precise. Growing up in South Africa means I know what decent wine tastes like, and I DON'T like cheap and cheerful wines - they're a recipe for a hangover. Having said that....
Mr Hansen was out (band practice for this weekend's big gig), they were showing a rerun on telly, so I was chatting. Earlier in the evening I'd been having a get-to-know you chat with someone which became rather heavy, and left me feeling out of sorts. I'd not bothered getting dinner, so basically had an empty stomach. One bottle later, I was starting to feel the effects of alcohol + empty stomach.
Back in March I wrote about alcohol making you fearless. Add to that not giving a shit and just saying what comes into one's mouth. I was on my second bottle and struggling to type coherently. MSN has this wonderful feature called message history... mine made interesting reading this morning and I'm surprised I've got any friends left!!
I can't even remember the conversations I was having in the Euro Tub... of course, this could mean open season on me, but I've a feeling I was pretty well behaved, apart from telling people to bugger off... I think I did that A LOT last night!
Despite all of this, I didn't wake up with a hangover... thanks in part to the fact I was drinking decent wine, and the glass of mineral water my husband brought me just before I fell into bed. I did wake up with my memories though... and have already grovelled to all the necessary people ... hopefully I'll be all sorted by this evening... and tonight I think I'll stay off the wine and stick to my favourite mineral water!!
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Your good deed for the day...
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Posted:Aug 21, 2005 7:43 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4228 Views
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Listen up, fellow bloggers...
A fellow chatter in the London Room is busting a gut to raise money for homeless , and I want YOU to support this very worthy cause!!
RedHotXratedFun is being a dirty stop-out at Bytenight 2005 in aid of NCH (a British 's charity).
She says:
PLEASE SPONSOR ME AND HELP ME RAISE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE FOR HOMELESS .
C'mon gimme a quid.... it's for the and has the added advantage that you'll know where to find me on 23rd September! 
A fiver will pay for emergency overnight support for a young person living on the street.
If you donate enough money I'll even go as Nurse Red! And I tell you that dress is REALLY short!
Anyone who donates with their credit or debit card will get a SPECIAL thank you card with pictures! *grin* so remember to put your e-mail address on the form.
Once you've decided that you will donate, visit her link at www.bmycharity.com/redhot and give as much as you wish. There is an option to either "donate now" or to "pledge", and be warned anyone who pledges will be hounded by the charity until they pay up!
Now, I don't know about you, but I'm a parent, and I'd hate to think of my being homeless and having nowhere to turn, and it breaks my heart that in the UK, one of the G8 coun tries, people (and especially ) can still be homeless!!!
*Helga keeps her fingers crossed that A F F will let this blog go through... after all, if bots can sell their wares in the chat rooms, I don't see why I can't promote something for CHARITY!!!*
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Hen parties... a British phenomena???
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Posted:Aug 21, 2005 2:53 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4289 Views
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Mr Hansen spends his spare time playing in a rock band, and has been very busy the past few months. This weekend he actually had a night off, so we decided to head into town for some dinner and a little dancing.
Bristol has a thriving nightlife, and the sunny weather sees people sitting in the sidewalk cafes and bars, enjoying the company of friends and sinking the odd jar or ten. We parked in a central location (yeah, I know... why take the car? Well, we live in the countryside and the last bus leaves town at 22h30 and the fare for a taxi back home would feed a family of forty for a month in a third world country!! )
Anyway, we parked and as we were heading for the Waterfront we spotted them. It was hard NOT to! A crowd of about 30 women, all dressed the same, wearing pink cowboy hats, one of which was accessorised by a bride's veil. Yep, you guessed it... a hen party. The bride-to-be and 30 of her closest friends were out to paint the town red, cause havoc and mayhem wherever they went and generally have loads of fun before she joined that revered of institutions... marriage!
"So what?" I hear you ask. "What's so special about that?" Well, they were not the first party we spotted. There was a gaggle of Fire Ladies, all kitted out in obligatory hats, braces and... suspenders? A horde of WPCs passed us on their way to a nightclub, and I have to say that their interpretation of the police uniform would have men queueing up to join the Force if they were indeed allowed to dress as such!
Taking these women to their destination of choice were stretch limos, stretch Hummers and even a converted fire engine, complete with two strapping lads all kitted out in the regulatory fireman's uniform (YUM!!) I'm guessing there is big money to be made here, and I know that the spending is not limited to this country. I've heard of hen parties jetting off across Europe, intent on one thing only... fun, fun, fun!!!
My "bridal shower" was nothing like this!! Mine was a quiet get-together with a small group of friends. We nibbled on a buffet while I opened presents they had bought me... sexy undies, toys and smellies to get my soon-to-be-husband in the mood. I was already living in sin with said husband, and two of my friends decided to apple-pie the bed and sprinkle vast quantities of confetti in just about every obscure place they could think of! Months later, I'd be opening a drawer/cupboard and little flurries of confetti would greet me while I cursed my girl friends!!
At our final destination the WPCs were in full swing, handcuffing unsuspecting men (who were definitely NOT resisting arrest) and egging the bride-to-be on with her list of challenges. As the night progressed, her L-plate and veil were slipping lower and lower, and her cleavage was getting bigger and bigger!! I did wonder if her intended was enjoying a stag party of his own, with his mates perhaps stripping him, handcuffing him to a lamp post and leaving him to be arrested by a REAL WPC!
I guess being married for 15 years means I've lost touch with the hen party world, and there was a small part of me last night that wished I was getting married... I quite fancy having one of these hen parties myself!!
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Oh.... why do I bother???
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Posted:Aug 20, 2005 6:05 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4345 Views
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Helga has just opened her A F F email after a late start to the day, and now has the urge to throw something sharp at someone!!!
If you are a single girl and need the occasional going out to a night club for a dance and a drink, ending it on the high, I'm your man. I'm looking for a woman who want to combination her vacation with sex AND MAYBE MORE if you are ready to leave from your country for ever.
Okay... let me just state that I have nothing against people who don't speak perfect English. I'm foreign too, but have benefitted from a more than decent education in an English-speaking country (I grew up in South Africa). It wasn't the grammatical error that was getting my dander up.
If you are a single girl... this from a man who has GOLD membership!!! My profile clearly states I'm married and my husband knows that I play on A F F... and I put it there for all to see... because it did finish with no secrets in this house!
Other bloggers have raised the subject of profiles and how well do we expect to do from them. I took time and thought about what it was that I wanted to say. I went through all the questions, and answered the ones I felt were relevant.
I do realise that standard members can hardly see anything on a profile (that's if they can actually see any profiles without getting a little message telling them that if they wish to see more they'll need to cough up and pay), but it's lazy silver and gold members that really get me worked up!  All that money and they don't bother to read the profile before sending their email!!!
I like to think that my photo/s are catching their eye first of all but I'd also like to think they take the time to read about me FIRST before penning their email telling me that "Wow, you're so sexy!! Do you wanna meet up with me sometime, because, babe, there are many different ways I'd love to fuck you". However, I know they're not reading my profile, because if they were, they'd see the bit that says Meeting up is not on my agenda, so if that's your main intention, I guess you better move on to the next profile! Doh! 
Okay, I admit... I have met some people from A F F, but it was only after I had gotten to know them, and it was on my terms. I'd rather say "no meeting, sorry", and then have the pleasure of surprising them, than creating the expectation that I'll just leap into my car and zoom off to meet someone after one email!! Or, as Romeo in the email was expecting MAYBE MORE if you are ready to leave from your country for ever. No chance!!!
I know I can set up my account so that only people who fit my cupid settings can write to me, but even I like to think there are exceptions to my own little rules... hell, I'm not expecting you to be a Mensan to ring my bell, but PLEASE, PLEASE take the time to read about me first!!!
*Helga goes off to attack some poor unsuspecting vegetable while she prepares lunch*
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Helga's Album of the Week II
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Posted:Aug 20, 2005 4:50 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4086 Views
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This week's album is one I have actually been listening to for a few months now. I was fortunate enough to see this amazing artist singing at a music concert I went to last week, and this album still gets extensive airplay in my house, as well as still being in the charts months after its initial release.
I'm talking about Lucie Silvas... young (only 24 years old), beautiful (judge for yourself) and exceptionally talented (she plays the piano on all her songs). Lucie has actually been in the music business for nearly a decade, but as a songwriter for other successful artists. Her debut single What You're Made Of made it into the Top 10 in the UK charts, and her album breathe in sold 300,000 copies in nine weeks after its release.
Breathe In was the second single off the album and Lucie's haunting voice and piano playing made this a beautiful and very catchy song. Lucie has co-written 12 of the 13 songs on the album, with Nothing Else Matters being the only song she did not write (which is also a cover... the original being done by Metallica!). My personal favourite off the album is Don't Look Back, which is also Lucie's third single, which she is currently promoting.
I am sure this is not the last we have heard from this very talented young lady. Chris Martin of Coldplay, Burt Bacharach and Lionel Richie are amongst her many fans.... including one Helga Hansen!!
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Hell hath no fury...
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Posted:Aug 19, 2005 3:07 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4423 Views
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After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion pound home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.
He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Moet Chandon. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rats, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Pest exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house... The live-in maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their smelly house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to buy a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
... including the curtain rods.
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"H" is for Helga.... and HOLIDAYS!!!
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Posted:Aug 19, 2005 12:01 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4016 Views
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At last... it's Friday, and Helga's last day at the office for 2 weeks!!!! Helga will be leaving her red bra off for two weeks.... and flaunting her new colours instead.... *gasp* you didn't think I was going to bare all this holiday, did you??
Usually I'd be panicking as I pack for some European jaunt, making sure we had everything we need for a enjoyable holiday. This year, however, we're going to "Romania" (lol, as we always said that when we were going to 'remain here'... bad joke, I know, but we were only back then!!)
This year I staying home... looking forward to long lie-ins, not fighting over the shower in the morning, and catching up on all the DVDs I've been meaning to watch and never gotten 'round to.
There's also a pile of holiday reading waiting... along with a front door that needs scraping and re-painting, a garden that needs a complete make-over, a lounge that is crying out for a new coat of paint (it's currently blue and I'm bored of that colour now) and.... OMG!!!! Did someone say "holiday"????
*Helga wanders off looking for her passport* Bugger this for a laugh, Easyjet, here I come...
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To link to this blog (helga_hansen) use [blog helga_hansen] in your messages.
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1500BC is the first known record of a kiss, which was exchanged in India.
