Irish Coffee
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Posted:May 3, 2007 1:46 pm
Last Updated:May 6, 2007 3:29 am
13207 Views
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and table-cloth flyin', ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute feckin' nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
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Little Prick...
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Posted:Mar 14, 2007 5:34 am
Last Updated:May 4, 2007 12:29 am
13992 Views
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Well, it's done. Monday has come and gone, and I'm at home, recovering from my procedure. Here's just hoping that Ortho God has solved my problem...
Monday morning saw me arriving at Admissions a little earlier than necessary, but Mr Hansen had dropped me off, and was heading off to work. I wasn't expecting to see him until the late afternoon, when he'd be collecting me, in whatever drugged state I would be.
After giving my name, I joined a room full of others, who all seemed to be disappearing into the jaws of the day clinic before me, despite the fact I had been the first to arrive. Then my name was called again, and a lovely young student nurse (studying at the university where I work, co-incidentally) ushered me into a cubicle, and asked me a couple of questions, took my blood pressure, and advised me to remove my clothing and dress in the hospital gown. Once done, I was ushered into another waiting room, filled with people in various states of undress... trendy slippers and dressing gowns vying for attention, and Jeremy Kyle blaring in the background. I must admit I have never watched day-time telly (being one who usually works), but the 5 minutes I saw of Mr Kyle reinforced my decision to leave the telly off while I'm at home, and listen to the radio instead!!!
My lovely student nurse came to find me again, and told me to clamber onto a trolley bed. "Um, couldn't I just walk?" I asked. The hospital porter sniggered, and said it was rather a long walk to the main theatre, and I wasn't really dressed for the occasion. So, I lay back and had a decidedly different view of the hospital corridors as I was wheeled from Admissions to the Main Theatre.
Ortho God was there when we arrived, and I wasn't sure if he was joking when he asked in which leg I was suffering my sciatica. Ortho God had an assistant... a rather nice young man, with twinkling eyes above his surgical mask. He and Student Nurse helped me move from the generous proportions of the trolley to a VERY narrow theatre table, where I presented the observing staff a lovely view of my crumpled cotton backless gown. Mentally I was bracing myself for an anaesthetic, so imagine my surprise when I was told I'd be sedated instead!! Seems Ortho God wanted me to be awake while he shoved a needle into the small of my back...
I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, but as I lie here now, I can tell you already that the pain is nothing compared to what I had been suffering before. I have a beautiful bruise on my back, but for the first time in ages, I can actually lie flat on my back, and not cry from the pain as I try to turn over.
Ortho God wants to see me again in 6 weeks time... I hope that will be the last I see of him!!! And I mean that in a nice way, of course!!
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Roll on Easter...
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Posted:Mar 10, 2007 2:57 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2007 12:08 am
13908 Views
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I gave up chocolate for Lent, which is a bit bizarre really, as I’m not religious at all, but it seemed a good idea at the time. It wasn’t until I realised just how many things in my life have chocolate in them, that it hit me that I’d shot myself in the foot!
The big obvious is chocolate bars. They come in all shapes and sizes, and varying degrees of cocoa content. My personal favourites are Godiva chocolates, but only if I’ve bought them in Belgium. Somehow it just adds to the flavour, being able to pick them off the shelf at the chocolatier’s in Brussels’s Grand Place, and sharing them, one by one. Every Christmas means Lindt and their sensational little red foil balls filled with a delicious centre ‒ Lindor for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about. Mmmmmm, I can just taste that chocolate now!!! Thornton’s also make a sinful range of chocolates, and I’ve been lucky enough to nibble on handmade chocolates from Montezuma…sheer decadence!
Besides the obvious, there are all the other things that contain chocolate… hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, chocolate ice-cream (yes, I’m missing Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food), chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, choc-chip cookies, chocolate spread on crusty bread… *sigh* …the list is endless, as I am finding out!
Some would say that this would have been an ideal time to go healthy, and lose some of those pounds that have managed to attach themselves to my hips and thighs once again. No can do… instead I’ve suddenly developed an unhealthy interest in chewy fruit sweets, wine gums and fruit pastilles and those pounds are still crowding for space on my butt!
Still, at least I can console myself that we’re now at the halfway stage, although you’ve never known a woman approaching her 40s who’s gagging to see an Easter Bunny as much as I am!!
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Back to the Future...
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Posted:Mar 9, 2007 3:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2007 9:47 am
13970 Views
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Well, it’s the weekend before a day I thought would never get here. After thumping down the stairs on my backside in September 2004, I am finally getting some treatment for what has become a rather persistent backache, and I don’t mind telling you that even this treatment is not what I thought I was going to be having a week ago!!
Last week Thursday I came home to find a letter from my local NHS trust, advising me that my name had finally come up in the admission lottery, and could I please present myself to the weekend admissions office this coming Sunday. The letter did warn me that there was a chance I could lose my treasured lottery win, should an emergency land itself in my bed instead. A day later there was a letter from another office of the same NHS trust, telling me I was due for a pre-op, all-systems-go check, which took place yesterday.
It all started rather innocently. I arrived at the Orthopaedics Out-Patients, and after giving my name, I was handed a big wad of pink paper, filled with questions which I had to answer. How much pain was I having in my back? How much pain was I experiencing in my leg - apart from a rather aching back, I was also being dogged by a persistent sciatica… rather like having my invisible friend kicking me in the shins, and leaving an invisible bruise, but very REAL pain!!
Another question asked me what sort of impact my aches and pains were having on my sex life… sex life? What sex life?? When you’re aching the way I do, the last thing you want is a romp in bed. Sleeping in the bed with someone else while you’re trying to find a comfortable 5 minutes is bad enough!!
After completing my multiple choice quiz, a nurse came and called out my name, successfully changing it yet again. I have one of those surnames that has people asking me if I’m sure that’s how I spell it when I break it down into bite-size pieces!! She led me into a cubicle, drew the curtains and proceeded to poke and prod me. I had a pulse-cum-oxymeter attached to my finger, a swab taken of my nostrils (just to make sure I didn’t have any bogies I was planning to drag into the theatre with me), and I was cuffed and pumped up like a balloon for my blood pressure. A nice man came into the cubicle, and started asking me all the questions in the pink wad. I do wonder, sometimes, what the point of patient notes is, unless it was to make sure I was sticking to my previous story!
Anyway, he slapped and tickled me with his playground hammer, and got me breathing deeply while he listened to my chest. He asked me my age, and you can imagine my horror, when after telling him I was 39, he decided he needed to order an ECG. It didn’t need a machine to tell me that my heart-rate had just shot up at that news!!
Finally I was introduced to the Ortho God… the specialist… the man whose name appeared on all my letters, even though I had never met this man in the last two years. Five minutes with me, and Ortho God dragged the mat completely out from under my feet by telling me my chances of success with a discectomy were less than 50%, and instead he was going to shove a nice long needle into my back, and give me a spinal block instead!! So… wish me luck on Monday!!!
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8
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Ain't that the truth!!!
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Posted:Mar 1, 2007 12:47 am
Last Updated:Mar 7, 2007 12:02 am
13667 Views
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Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson recently said...
"money and rumpy-pumpy are the twin engines powering everything we do"
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4
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Birthday wishes for my favourite niece!!!
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Posted:Jan 10, 2007 2:18 pm
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2007 11:25 pm
13890 Views
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On Thursday, 11th January, it is the birthday of my favourite niece, Millie. Some of you will know her better as one of the couple cassandrabear cassandrabear.
I want to wish the lovely Mills a wonderful day, and an even better year, and here's hoping that your dreams and wishes will come true!
♪♫ ♥♥♥♥ ♫♪
HAPPY
BIRTHDAY!!!
♪♫ ♥♥♥♥ ♫♪
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3
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All set up and blogging...
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Posted:Jan 4, 2007 10:33 am
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2007 9:16 am
13793 Views
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Yeah, I know... you're thinking I'm a traitor, but I'm not leaving, ya know... just branching off elsewhere. 
Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know where you could find the new me - the traitorous new me - if you're interested, that is!! 
As I know just how easy it ISN'T to give here, I'll just have to give you a road map instead. 
My new blog residence is with Google's Blogger community (previously known as "Blogspot"). My blogging handle is helgahansen - dot - blogspot - dot - com. And there are no www's in front of that address. My blog is called Knitting With Only One Needle, so if you just happen to find yourself there one day, please, please leave a comment - it would be so nice to see you! 
But, as I've said before... I'm not leaving - you can't get rid of me THAT easily!! 
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3
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Blog Shopping...
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Posted:Jan 1, 2007 8:54 am
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2007 6:23 am
14260 Views
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Well, it's 2007, and I guess that a new year means time to ring in the changes!
Before I continue, I'd like to take this opportunity of wishing all my blog and chat friends a very Happy New Year, and I hope that 2007 will bring you all much love, fun and happiness!!!
Blogging here has become a little difficult, and I've noticed that unless I'm a paying member, there are all sorts of things I, as a mere "standard member" cannot do. With all this in mind, I've decided to start another blog elsewhere. I have a name for it though... Postcards from the Hedge. 
As yet, I've not found that new blog space. I'm checking on the competition, and there is soooooo much out there!! 
Perhaps some of you have personal recommendations?
Anyway, I'm off to surf the InterWeb some more - here's hoping that we'll bump into one another somewhere... soon!
Since posting this blog, I've found somewhere suitable to move to (my new bloglord is the Google blog site, Blogger)... the only downside is that there is already a blog called Postcards from the Hedge (some guy living in Blackpool nicked that one!!), so I had to think of another name. As some of you know, I'm currently fighting that demon called "depression", so I thought this name was pretty apt - Knitting With Only One Needle - gotta love Freddie and the boys!!
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Helga does her bit for UK bloggers...
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Posted:Nov 7, 2006 7:18 am
Last Updated:Dec 26, 2006 7:51 am
14698 Views
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Yep, it's me... not a figment of your over-active imaginations!!
I'd ask if you missed me, but I don't know if I'd cope with the overwhelming wave of silence that would hit me full-on!
Anyway, dears, I'm not here to waffle on, whilst in a Prozac-induced state. Nope. I'm here to do my bit for UK blog-neighbourliness. I recently received an email from a dear ex-blogger friend, and after snooping around the InterWeb, I've established that this warning is legitimate, so thought I'd be a good citizen and spread the word...
Royal Mail postal scam. Can you circulate this around especially as Xmas is fast approaching - it has been confirmed by Royal Mail.
The Trading Standards Office are making people aware of the following scam: A card is posted through your door from a company called PDS (Parcel Delivery Service) suggesting that they were unable to deliver a parcel and that you need to contact them on 0906 6611911 (a premium rate number).
DO NOT call this number, as this is a mail scam originating from Belize. If you have called the number and you started hearing a recorded message you will already have been billed £15 for the phone call!!!
If you do receive a card with these details, then please contact Royal Mail Fraud on 02072396655 or ICSTIS (the premium rate service regulator) at www.icstis.org.
I just hope the nice people at VisionPersonals.com's Blog Scrutiny Centre allow this message to be approved, as I'm sure no one wants to hear about unnecessary hardship at a rather expensive time of year!! I sincerely hope none of you were hit by the recent closure of Farepak!! 
Anyway, hope you're all keeping well, and enjoying your various states of being all loved up! 
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3
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Saying "Good Bye"
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Posted:Oct 12, 2006 2:10 pm
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2006 2:11 pm
13459 Views
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The time has come to call it quits. I don't know how long I will be gone, or when I'll be back.
I will miss you all, you mean more to me than mere words can say. Things have happened, which I cannot talk about, and I have decided to take a break.
Be good, and have fun... and who knows - you might just see me pop up one day!
♥♥♥♥♥HH♥♥♥♥♥
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0
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Think Pink - But Be True Blue Too!!!
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Posted:Oct 4, 2006 2:04 pm
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2006 12:21 am
15052 Views
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October has now become THE month to be breast cancer aware, which isn't a bad thing, really, as we should ALWAYS be aware!!
While I agree that all women should constantly be checking for odd lumps and bumps in their breasts, I just want to remind all the MEN that YOU TOO can be afflicted with this terrible disease!!
Yep... I know we all like to have a little giggle about men and their "man boobs", but we should remember that men basically have the same tissue in the breast area, and this tissue can be just as susceptible to cancerous cells as female breast tissue!!
So, while I all urge you to support Breast Awareness Week/Month, remember that it's not all "Think Pink"!!
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3
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Stiff Sentence
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Posted:Oct 2, 2006 3:15 pm
Last Updated:Oct 9, 2006 8:42 am
14842 Views
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Guys, I urge you to spare a moment's thought for an American handyman whose compensation claim of approximately £200,000 was blocked by an appeal judge recently. What was he seeking compensation for? A penis implant op that went wrong!! 
As reported in the papers on the weekend, the 68-year-old unnamed man, from North Providence, USA, has had to live with a permanent erection for the last 10 years, after his implant became faulty and got stuck in "Mr Happy" mode. 
The unhappy man is reported to have likened his problem to that of a continuous headache, and understandably he was unhappy when the judge told him his complaint "simply won't stand up in court"... 
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4
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All the leaves are brown...
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Posted:Oct 1, 2006 4:33 am
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2006 1:43 pm
14865 Views
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Lol, don't worry, I'm not about to launch into a song (my voice is best left for showers and drunken karaoke nights )
There I was, sitting in the conservatory, minding me own business, reading blogs, ripping music from my CDs to my laptop, ready to transfer onto my new toy  when a little movement caught my eye. Autumn has arrived, and leaves are starting to gently drift their way to earth. It has been raining quite heavily here too, and the rain has aided and abetted a few of leaves on their downward journey - Master H ain't going to be happy when I present him with a rake!!
Anyway, back to the movement that caught my eye. Boys, hold onto your nuts... there's a squirrel about! Twice I've watched him scamper past, with something small and green in his mouth. I'm wondering what plant of mine he's nicking bits from  (unlike my favourite niece cassandrabear, I don't have apple trees in my garden), and I'm wondering if this squirrel has a nut allergy, 'cos those green things aren't nuts either.  They don't look like bulbs (these little blighters are a menace to any garden, and will dig up bulbs, etc., and then just abandon them when they realise they can't eat 'em!) and I'm left wondering just how far this little critter is going to get his larder all prepped for winter!!
We had squirrels in our garage a few years back - little shits ripped the place apart, and I was always worried they would decide to munch on the electric wiring in the cars. They vacated premises as suddenly as they arrived, and this little grey streak of fur is the first one I've seen in a long time.
Right, I'd best be off... I need to go and station myself next to the glass door, to see where the furry explorer disappears to!! Hope your Sunday is a little more exciting that mine!!
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To link to this blog (helga_hansen) use [blog helga_hansen] in your messages.
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