My Teddy Bear...
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Posted:Mar 17, 2006 2:45 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2006 7:55 am
5425 Views
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arctophile n. person who loves or collects teddy bears
That'll be me then. I *adore* teddy bears, and I'll admit to having a little stash of them. However, I don't have them lining every possible shelf and corner of every room in the house, and no, I don't have a collection of them on my bed. I have one or two sitting on the window-sill in my bedroom, and the rest are packed away in a box, under my bed. Poor things, but then I like to think of it as protecting them. They are collectibles, and one day, one of my grand- will make a lot of money from my madness!
It was something else that made me think of my teddy bears, though. This time last week, I was sitting across the dinner table from My Wonderful Bit On The Side. He had arrived at our hotel just an hour earlier, and I had been waiting for him in the foyer of the hotel. After greeting him, I had taken him back to our hotel room, so that he could freshen up before dinner. Once getting to our room, we were able to have that all-important unashamed snog and cuddle.
Now... when it comes to men, I tend to go for tall, dark-haired and clean-shaven. I'm not fussy on how much hair they have (lol, Mr Hansen has a bald spot that has been increasing in dimension over the long years), but I do like it that they look "neat and tidy"... I guess I go for short back and sides, when it comes to hair. My Bit On The Side fits all of these categories, bar one. *He* has a beard. He keeps it very neat, though, and for some reason that I cannon explain, I love his beard. I love stroking his beard, and it was today that I realised why. Whenever I stroke his beard, I feel like I am stroking my favourite teddy's fur coat.
I can't help myself. In bed, at breakfast, in the coffee-shop over coffee and cake, walking along the river. Every once in a while, we would pause, perhaps kiss, and I would stroke his beard. I find it rather calming and soothing to stroke it, and I am rather pleased that he has vowed that he will *never* shave it off. It is a very important part of him, and I simply could not imagine him without it. It would be like losing my favourite teddy!!
Our time was brief, and I know it is no replacement for the wonderful man I spent time with, but if I find I'm missing him, I simply reach out and stroke my favourite teddy's fur.
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Thanks!!! (Not!!!)
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Posted:Mar 16, 2006 11:56 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2006 2:31 am
4842 Views
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Dear A F F,
Since you've introduced all these wonderful new changes in blogging, you've also changed all the *previous* blogs that exist. Blogs now appear to be half in colour, and then back to black.
Bloggers set their colour changes at the start of their blog, and now, after the first paragraph, it all reverts back to black!!
Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! Looks like some of us might be spending the weekend doing a little blog house-keeping, as I must confess to being a little perfectionist when it comes to my blogs, and I am NOT happy to leave it as is.
Yours,
Unimpressed Helga
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Lush...
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Posted:Mar 16, 2006 11:52 am
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2006 2:00 am
5092 Views
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While I was away enjoying my weekend with my wonderful BOTS (Bit On The Side), we took in a little shopping. He patiently stood, surrounded by delicious bits of lace, while I tried on a gorgeous Caprice bra and pantie set. Damn that Caprice anyway! According to Marks & Sparks, my bosom is 38DD, but skinny Caprice seems to disagree!  *Sigh* Well, there is my incentive to lose those last few stones. I *shall* be back, and I *will* buy that blasted bra and pantie set!
Next we went in search of some goggles. "Interesting purchase for a naughty weekend away" I hear you muse. Lol, well, our hotel was rather well-equipped with a nice indoor pool, jacuzzi, steam room and sauna. MBOTS and I had used the pool and the steam room in the morning, and I had discovered the day before, just after my arrival, that I had left my goggles back at home. Now, to be truthful, I'm not a "hold my head above the water" type of swimmer. If you're going to swim, then you need to do it *properly*!! So, we were searching for a sports store that sold goggles. After a detour or two, we finally found one, and I made my purchase. It wasn't a waste of money, as my current pair of goggles are constantly steaming up, and once you have to start cleaning them between every 20 laps, it's time to give them the heave-ho!
We slowly headed back to the hotel, passing through the town centre. As we passed one particular shop, MBOTS commented on the contents of said shop. I had *never* visited that particular chain, and MBOTS was shocked when I made my confession. "Outrageous!!" He gasped. We were standing outside a shop simply called LUSH
MBOTS dragged me into the shop, and started singing the praises of the wares on display. There were Ball Ballistics, Bubble Bar Slices, Massage Bars, Sparkle Bars, Body Butters, Luxury Bath Melts... the list was endless.
MBOTS was pointing out all his favourites, explaining the merits of each item, and I decided to give a couple of the products a try. I bought a tub of Lemony Flutter (a cuticle cream) and some lip balm. The Lemony Flutter is primarily for Mr Hansen, who has rough cuticles, and the lip balm is for me... I have to keep my lips soft and kissable, after all!  I have to admit that I have used the cuticle cream too, and I love the smell. It's almost good enough to eat! The sales lady packed my purchases into a bag, and tucked in a catalogue for me to look at. They have a website, and if I don't find a store near me soon, I shall be paying a visit to their website and placing a few more orders!
In the meantime... all I can say is... my lips are soft and kissable, and here in Bristol, my MBOTS would say that makes my lips "gurt lush"! 
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For Him...
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Posted:Mar 12, 2006 12:05 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2006 10:14 am
5380 Views
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She made her way back to her hotel room, feeling refreshed from her short swim and session in the steam room. Her plans for the rest of the evening were to have a shower, and then get ready... for him.
She stood beneath the warm and powerful spray, washing the remains of the chlorine from her hair and her body. She shampooed her hair, and scrubbed her body, feeling the smoothness of her skin. She wanted to be soft and silky-smooth, preparing herself, for his arrival... for him.
Wrapping her body and her hair in a towel, she padded barefoot from the bathroom into the room. She turned on a few side lights, drew the curtains shut and lay down on the bed. She allowed her eyes to drift gently shut, and her hands smoothed their way over her skin, brushing errant droplets of water away. She imagined her fingers were her lover's mouth, imagined his lips gently caressing her skin, licking the droplets. Her hand moved slowly down, sliding beneath the folds of the towel. The edges fell on either side of her body, and slowly, reaching down, she gently parted her lips and slid a finger into her warmth. With a finger-tip she gently brushed over the little button that was yearning to be touched. Gently, gently. Her fingers were his tongue. His tongue was gently licking, sucking, gently, gently. Soon her touch became more insistent, more determined, and as her quiet moans filled the air, a wave of fulfillment washed through her.
Once her heart slowed down, she rose, and started preparing herself. She gently smoothed body lotion into her skin, and lightly sprayed her favourite perfume onto her skin. She knew he liked the fragrance she used, and she wanted to be beautiful, for him. She quickly applied her make-up and then dried her long, honey-blonde hair.
As the evening grew later, she dressed in her black lacy underwear, and then wriggled into a tight black shoestring top with a plunging neckline. She wanted him to be hooked, visually, the moment he saw her. She finished off the outfit with wide-legged trousers and a gold chain belt. Over her bare shoulders, she wore a gold crocheted top, with ties that drew the eye to the bottom of the plunging neckline of her top. She wanted to look her best... for him.
He called... he was on his way. His taxi would be arriving very soon. She rose, found the door key and slowly made her way down to the reception area. The automatic doors slid open, and his tall figure came striding through. She stood, and watched his eyes as they found her. He was here, and now their moments of passion and pleasure could begin.
J... thank you for a wonderful weekend... H xxx
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Moments with you...
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Posted:Mar 5, 2006 11:54 am
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2006 10:57 am
5941 Views
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Fingers gently tracing, skin so soft beneath
Lips gently caressing, soothing biting teeth
Nipples glisten and pucker in the heated air
Hands pull down, tugging, through long blonde hair
Depths passionately plundered, air filled with moans
Hands slapping, nails raking, sighing tender groans
Fingers tease and dance along a downy chin
As eyes gaze down, to see the longing, hidden deep within...
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Doubly Delightful...
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Posted:Mar 5, 2006 3:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2006 9:57 am
5953 Views
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A couple of days ago I was mourning the loss of my lovely lingerie collection. No, it hasn't been stolen, lost or damaged. It's me... I've lost weight, and my bras no longer fit. Lol, since posting Helga's Underwear Crisis, I've had all sorts of suggestions about what I should do with my now-defunct collection of lacy nothings (or in my case, 40D bits of nothing).
Yesterday I had a rather enjoyable day... it started with lunch with a couple of the Tubbers (I'm a frequent chatter in the Euro Hot Tub), and on my drive home, I decided to bypass my junction off the motorway, and carry on down to The Mall. I was in the mood for a little retail therapy. Admittedly, I was on the hunt for some new trousers, as the ones I was wearing were hanging a little low on the hips, and while I don't like showing off my arse, having baggy trousers over your butt doesn't flatter them either!!
So, I parked my car, and headed off to my favourite clothing store. I found a lovely pair of black trousers, and paid for my purchase, and then decided to head into Marks and Sparks. I'd popped in there once before, and noticed that their lingerie department had much improved since the last time I had ventured in there. Don't get me wrong... there is nothing wrong with owning a few pairs of M&S knickers, but when you've decided that life's too short to wear black, nude or white granny knickers all your life, with bras that offer support, but do nothing in the va-va-voom department, M&S was NOT the place to buy your lingerie!!
However, I digress...
I had a little nosy around the much-improved lingerie department, and found a few frothy bits of nothing in their Per Una range, but in a smaller size. Having been a 40D, I found bras in 38D, and then wandered off to the ladies changing rooms. I tried both bras on, and was a little bemused. The underband measurement was fitting fine, but......... the cups were TOO SMALL!! How was that possible, I wondered? So, I hung the bras back on the hangers, and went off to find a consultant. M&S offer bra measuring facilities, and I decided it was time to make use of them.
A lady with a serious looking measuring tape came back into the changing room with me, and proceeded to place her cold hands around my chest area. Yes, as I had suspected... underband measurement was 38. Next came the big surprise... cup size! Now, what I didn't know was this... when you lose weight, ladies, your underband measurement will naturally become less, but your cup size will increase!!! So, I've gone from being a D cup to a DD!! Lol... and there was I, thinking that my cups were no longer running over!! Lol, they're damn well spilling over the sides!!
So, it was back to the bras, finding the ones I'd liked in 38DD. Sadly, I only managed to find one, so I took that one, and it fitted perfectly. On my way to the check-out, I spotted a pair of brown trousers... lol, so what started out as shopping for one pair of trousers ended up with me having two pairs of new trousers, and a new set of matching undies! What a perfect end to a perfect day!
*Note to the reader - it's not me in the picture, but that bra is from the Per Una range. Unfortunately, that was the one they didn't have in 38DD... I shall keep looking!
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Celebrate March 20th - Steak And Blowjob Day
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Posted:Mar 1, 2006 10:32 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6487 Views
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Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Every Valentine's Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when they get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it.
Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 20th. Its like a perpetual love machine!
The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJs.
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Music to soothe your soul...
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Posted:Feb 28, 2006 12:12 pm
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2020 2:55 pm
6171 Views
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I fell in love with her first single, Put Your Records On, which has been getting extensive airplay. Listening to her voice, you'd think she hails from a smoky jazz club in the US. I remember being surprised to learn that this beautiful voice belongs to a lady who hails from Leeds.
Corrine Bailey-Rae's debut album of the same name is stunningly beautiful and all the enchanting songs on the albums were co-written by Corrine. I stumbled across her by accident, trying to find a tune I'd heard on the radio earlier in the day. I never found that tune but something better by an order of magnitude. She has the best voice I've heard in years. How to describe it? Silky soft yet effortlessly powerful. Smooth as a freshly buttered banister but with an edge that pierces you right through. This voice goes straight to the pleasure centre in your brain and dances on it barefoot.
She is going to be HUGE. Bigger than huge. 5 stars is not enough to review her music with. Look out Joss Stone and KT Tunstall, there's a new on the block and she's going to sweep all before her.
A friend, leyndokona2 last year introduced me to the delights of Emiliana Torrini, and when I listen to Corrine's album, I am very much reminded of Emiliana. Both have a certain ethereal quality to their voice, and their albums are those that you would listen to, lying on a rug, in front of a roaring fire, glass of wine in one hand, and caressing the skin of your lover with the other.
So, as I allow my mind to be seduced by Corrine's voice, and the words seep into my soul, why don't you have a little listen, and see if you agree?
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Delivery for Helga...
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Posted:Feb 28, 2006 11:24 am
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2006 9:59 am
6089 Views
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Today, my darling, I never will forget...
Utterly gorgeous, and so unexpected...
Lovely words, straight from your heart...
I am so lucky, to have you in my life...
Pink and pretty, their petals I adore...
Soon, I will be able to thank you...
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Someone out here is thinking of you... and missing you. xxx
Jx, you took the words from my mouth...
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Helga's Underwear Crisis...
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Posted:Feb 27, 2006 1:50 pm
Last Updated:Mar 16, 2006 9:35 am
6685 Views
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It had to happen one day... and now it has! Bloody doctor has a lot to answer for! Yeah, yeah, I know... it was for my own benefit, and at the end of the day, I feel great, and with a little luck, in a month or two, I'll be looking great too. Trouble is, when you go on a diet (yet again, if you happen to be me) you always end up losing weight on parts of your body that you don't want to lose weight on. And the bits that you'd quite happily wave goodbye to, just seem to stick around forever and a day. Ggggrrrr!
However, this is the diet to end all diets, and once I'm done with this one, I'm chucking out all those worse-than-useless diet books, all those tent-dresses I used to hide in, and I'm living the life I've been denying myself for years!
However, I digress... back to my dilemma...
Okay, so what was I expecting, having lost over 40kgs (that's over 6 stones for those Imperialists out there, and over 85lbs for the rest)? That my breasts were just going to stay the same? Who was I kidding??? Okay, so my bra size has dropped from 42 to 38 (please don't make me convert that too  ) And now, sadly, I have discovered that my cups no longer runneth over. Well, perhaps to someone with small hands they do, or if you're a "more than a mouthful is a waste" kinda guy, then yes, they're still way too big for you. But when you're trying on all your gorgeous lacy bras, and you're discovering that most of them are now getting too big, what do you do??? You sit down and have a good cry...
Some of these beautiful bras have fond memories attached to them (and quit with the mammories jokes RIGHT now, guys... don't think I can't hear you snickering in the corner over there!!) and I guess I'm just sad that I'm no longer able to wear them. Yes, it means I can go out and buy some pretty new ones, but bra-buying is not something I just rush out and do. I need to be in the right mood, and I usually have something in mind before I've even set foot outside the door and set off down to the Mall. Usually I've been wanting to treat Mr Hansen, on some special (or equally non-special) occasion, and my once full lingerie drawer is looking decidedly empty right now... and I'm racking my brains trying to think of a dozen new special/non-special occasions!! 
I was in Oxford a month ago, and happened upon a gi-normous sale in Debenhams. Rack upon rack (there's your favourite word again, freetime648 ) of beautiful, lacy under-garments were hanging there, in all sorts of hues and sizes. One thing I did notice was that so many of them were padded. At the time I snorted... padding? Me? Hell, I've got more than enough padding, thank you very much. Now I'm thinking that perhaps I was being a little too hasty, and that perhaps I should have chosen that shocking pink bra with the gel-filled cups. At least then it would look like my cups were still running over!!
Florals are the this season's "must- have", but I'm also trying to find that little something that flirts with your eyes, teasing and hinting at what lies beneath. I've got a nipple ring that I love showing off, and I want something funky and sheer to get your fingers itching. I'm planning another visit to Oxford soon... perhaps my shopping companion will be happy to give a little advice?
In the meantime, I just have to decide what I should do with all my defunct, too-big bras. Ideas, anyone? 
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A Song for You
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Posted:Feb 26, 2006 11:28 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6256 Views
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Spent an evening recently chatting to a really nice Guy, who's just coming to terms with the end of a complicated relationship. I was listening to my MP3 player last night, and suddenly this song started playing. It made me think of him...
Isn't it weird
Isn't it strange
Even though we're just two strangers on this runaway train
We're both trying to find a place in the sun
We've lived in the shadows, but doesn't everyone
Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes
Yeah, ooh
Isn't it hard, standing in the rain
Yeah you're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear, but you're screaming so loud
You feel like you're all alone in a faceless crowd
Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes
Whoa, sitting on the side, waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change
Reaching for a hand that'll understand, someone who feels the same
When you live in a cookie cutter world, being different is a sin
So you don't stand out, but you don't fit in
Weird
Whoa, sitting on the side, waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change
Whoa, reaching for a hand that'll understand, someone who feels the same
When you live in a cookie cutter world, if you're different you can't win
So you don't stand out and you don't fit in
Ooh, isn't it strange
How we all feel a little bit weird
Strange, how we all get a little bit
Strange, how we all feel a little bit weird, sometimes
Oooh, just a little bit weird sometimes
Lyrics by Hanson
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Wot Eva!!!
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Posted:Feb 26, 2006 10:20 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
6550 Views
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After receiving this little gem in my "Filtered Inbox", I'm seriously starting to wonder what the future of the UK will be...
hi hunny how r u 2day.iv jus got home from work.wot u bin up 2.ur well cute.wanna get to no u better.ur such a babe.love ur hot body.hope to hear from u.i live near n dnt mind travellin so wot u waitin 4.u wont be dissapointed.my emails ***xxxxxxxxxx04"at"aol.com if u cant rite bk on here.i no im bit young but gimme a chance im hell of a fuckdoubt ud want ne1 else after u try me.ur so seexy.dnt waste time wiv ova lads.no is ***xxxxxxxxxxx mif u wanna txt xxxx
***Names and mobile numbers have been deleted to protect the innocent
I'm a number cruncher by trade, but I happen to crunch numbers in the Higher Education sector, and when I read an email like this from a 23 year old man, it really makes me wonder whether educating my in this country is such a good idea.
As it happens, my young stud here indicates on his profile that he has some college experience, and looking at his vocation, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised at the way he's chosen to write to me. 
However, it's my experiences in Higher Education that tell me that this is a problem which goes across the board. As some young student stands in front of me, displaying definite signs of ineptitude, the thought of "How the hell did you get the required marks to make it here?" quite often crosses my mind.
In a recent Times Higher Education Supplement I read that first year tutors are banging their heads in frustration at the level of illiteracy and lack of basic comprehension so many of their first year students are displaying. In their estimation, so many students are passing A Levels simply through learning by rote, and tutors can spend the best part of the first year "re-educating" under-graduates, before getting on with the important business of giving these students their much-desired degrees (and usually in media studies!!).
As it happens, I never actually went to university. Old Man Hansen had severe difficulties in understanding why his elder wanted to get herself a Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism. In his mind a Bachelor of Arts degree (BA) was a "Bugger All" degree, and with hindisght, maybe my Old Man was right to stop me from pursuing a career in journalism. 
Instead, I chose to run away from home, and I remember being rather distraught when trolley dolly entrance requirements were changed, making the necessary starting age two years further away!!
I had all the right grades for getting into university - six subjects (as opposed to the now only required three), in English, Maths, Science, Biology, Accountancy and Computer Sciences, and after waitressing for the best part of a year, I finally settled down and got myself a job working for Citibank, in their Corporate Banking division. I carried on working while furthering my studies by taking banking exams, and after I'd hit 30, I signed up to do an Accounting degree through a distance-learning university.
I've worked in so many different fields, and while there is a certain part of me that still hankers after the journalistic bent, I've come to realise that numbers and I aren't such a bad combination after all. I finally qualified as a Management Accountant two years ago, but have no desire to head for the City and earn a wacking great salary. Instead, I've hung up my calculator in the Charitable Sector, and decided to hone my skills in Higher Education.
Would I like Master Hansen to go to university? Sometimes I wonder if he would be better off working his way through the University of Life, and not starting his working career saddled with debt and a degree that is starting to mean less and less in this "degree or nothing" driven world.
I have a lot of respect for tradesmen, but would it be too much to ask that they at least leave school with the ability to read and write? If my young stud is anything to go by, the answer to that is a resounding NO!
In the meantime, I'll just shake my head in despair, and make sure Master Hansen carries on devouring books that aren't written using so-called "text speak"!!! 
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Little Pricks...
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Posted:Feb 25, 2006 4:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 7:04 am
7358 Views
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Today I had some news which is going to help in the next step of my personal journey (or moral decline, depending which side of the coffee table you're reading this from!)
Back in August 2005, I wrote about possibly having a midlife crisis (read A midlife crisis to get the background on this). Since writing that blog, I did go ahead and get a piercing, but it wasn't down there. Instead I opted for a nipple piercing, and I have to admit, I've never had a moment of Oh, what have I done??. It has definitely heightened my senses, and Mr Hansen and My Bit On The Side both love wrapping their tongues around my nipple ring. Lol, I've even got part-ownership with M.B.O.T.S of a pair of circlip pliers. Who said romance was dead!
After reading up on the subject, and hearing of other women's experiences on the matter, I've decided to go ahead with a piercing down there. Now I just have to get my diary out and start planning dates. There's another weekend of bliss with M.B.O.T.S to look forward to, and then my Major Medical Moment in the week after that. The following week is the Bloggers Convention, and I'm still caught between "can go, can't go" (damn, I wish I could get this sorted NOW!!)
I was thinking that it would be a good idea to go and get the piercing in the days before, because according to those that know, sex is not really idea for the first couple of days, and I'm planning to be a good girl in Holland which means that it would be all systems go once I get home, and Mr Hansen will definitely be wanting to have a show-and-tell session!
I'm also seriously mulling over getting a little tattoo. I saw some beauties on a couple of the other Tubbers when we had our meet last weekend (lol... thank goodness my mother didn't pop her head around and check up on us as a certain Tubber dropped his pants and showed us Mickey on his butt cheek!!).
Those ladies had some lovely tattooes, but I'm not nearly as brave. I've always wanted a little flower somewhere, and now that it won't be lost in the miles and miles of flesh (losing weight certainly does have its benefits!!) I've just got to decide what and where.
At the moment a little daisy (with a beautiful Petal for you, J) is my first choice, the where is just stumping me at the moment!
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