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devil joke
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Posted:Jun 26, 2013 8:59 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 4:10 pm
9916 Views
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small New England town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and idly chatting about their lives, their families, etc., when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Everyone quickly
evacuated the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you not know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 31 years."
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men and women in bathroom
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Posted:Jun 26, 2013 8:55 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 4:10 pm
9557 Views
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The Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:
1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room
3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal - There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side)
to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave
bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor,
feet are always good as well.
5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you
are trying to check them out.
6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants. *Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.
7) Wash hands.
 Attempt to dry hands - look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like "Wow, what took you so long."
A Women's Strategy for Going To The Bathroom:
1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it's always the cleanest.
Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.
2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.
3) Mutter "Slut" under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get
it.
4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.
5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.
6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper, germs are bad!
7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.
Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat - germs are bad!
9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!
10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from
the seat!
11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!
12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.
13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.
14) Flush.
15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.
16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.
17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.
1 Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!
19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.
20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your
move to counter/mirror section.
21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that
bitch who took your stall.
22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!
23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.
24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.
25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!
26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall - her clothes are gross.
27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall scoffs at
you.
2 Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast - you were really quick this time!
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named sex joke
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Posted:Jun 26, 2013 8:51 am
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2013 11:29 pm
9791 Views
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A Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
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