More Than Two: Examining the Myths and Facts of Polyamory
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Posted:Feb 23, 2015 1:17 pm
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2015 12:20 pm
7658 Views
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More Than Two: Examining the Myths and Facts of Polyamory
October 15, 2013 by Laura Kacere
We live in a society in which monogamous pairing is the norm.
We’re taught to desire and seek one other person – namely, our “soulmate,” the one person who will make us whole and happy. And supposedly, when we find that person, we will no longer have desires for others.
This kind of thinking is what Dean Spade calls the “romance myth” – the heterosexual monogamous romance that all women should naturally desire.
Because we are socialized in a culture that teaches us that monogamy is right and natural, monogamy is often not a conscious choice for people, but is more of a default for how to be in relationships.
But just as folks have been challenging structural and cultural heternormativity, more people are coming to question monogamy as natural, and exploring opening their relationships to polyamory.
Often described as “consensual and responsible non-monogamy,” polyamory can characterize anyone who engages in intimate relationships with multiple people in a way that is consensual and communicative of all relationships. (That is, cheating on a partner doesn’t count as polyamory!)
These definitions are broad, and polyamorous relationships come in all different shapes and sizes.
Some people have a primary partner while still engaging in other relationships (sexual, romantic, or otherwise), while others may engage in multiple relationships with each one being equal. Some are in three- or four- person relationships.
The ways of organizing relationships are endless – and so are the myths surrounding it.
Myths
Myth #1: With the right partner, you only need one person.
This myth can also sound a lot like “Polyamorous relationships aren’t real relationships.”
We’re taught by movies, music, our parents, friends, and marriage laws what kind of relationship we’re supposed to be in, and what a real relationship looks like – a two-person (usually heterosexual), monogamous one.
And the idea is that when you find that one perfect person, they will fulfill all of your needs, and therefore, you won’t desire anyone else.
This is what real love looks like, they say. If your desires do not fit into this ideal, then there is something wrong with you.
But is there really anything wrong with not finding yourself completely fulfilled by one partner? Can we ever truly have all of our emotional and physical needs met by one person? Is it really fair to expect this of someone?
Putting these unreasonably high expectations on one person can often lead to the end of a relationship – when we’re left feeling something is missing, we might bolt to find the person who can satisfy all of our expectations and desires, only to find the same situation set up time and again.
And while many people find that creating an entire network of support that includes family and friends is enough to alleviate this pressure, many others have found relief from this expectation in polyamory – not just from having to find everything in one person, but also relief from having to be everything for their partner.
You can’t be everything for one person, and that’s okay. You’re not supposed to be.
I’ve found, as have many others, that when the pressure to be everything is lifted, there is more space for me just to be me.
Myth #2: Polyamory means you love your partner(s) less.
Many polyamorous people find themselves continually combating the cultural myth that having sexual and/or romantic feelings for more than one person means you don’t love your partner.
This just isn’t the case, and this assumption has cost a lot of people a lot of happiness.
Certainly you’ve been here before: You’re attracted to someone else, and your partner can see that. They’re hurt by this, thinking that you don’t love them.
But it so often has nothing at all to do with your partner or your feelings for them.
Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you’re unable to love – or at least be attracted to – other people.
Our monogamous culture lives on the assumption that when it comes to romantic love, there is a love scarcity – that there isn’t enough love to go around.
And yet, notice how we don’t apply this to family or friends – because it just isn’t true.
If anything, there is a love abundance, and it can even multiply. Sometimes, the more people around you to love, and who love you, the more love you have for others in your life.
Myth #3: Polyamory is for people who “just want to sleep around” and avoid attachment and intimacy.
Poly people are greedy and selfish, I’ve heard people say. They want to have endless amounts of sex while avoiding real intimacy.
While this may be true of some people (poly and monogamous), polyamorous people tend to engage in very intimate and attached relationships.
Polyamory requires a lot of trust.
Trust that your partner(s) will communicate and share with you what’s going on with their other relationships. Trust that your partner will be considerate and respectful of your feelings and your needs.
Polyamory also relies on setting up clear boundaries.
Calling your relationship polyamorous doesn’t mean you have to be okay with everything your partner wants to do. You set the boundaries – what you’re okay with, and what you’re not.
Negotiating how you want your relationship to look and what your needs are is an incredibly important part of being poly, and can serve to strengthen your ongoing bond with a partner.
Slut-shaming is an unfortunately unsurprising part of the cultural attitudes against polyamory.
The idea that you should only be (and want to be) sexually active with one person has led to a lot of shame and sadness around our desires.
Being polyamorous often means being sexually active with multiple people, but when it does, it ideally happens in a way that values communication as well as consent around emotional and sexual desires while also respecting limits.
Myth #4: Polyamory is for people who don’t get jealous.
People in polyamorous relationships do experience jealousy, sometimes quite often – but instead of avoiding feelings of jealousy, poly folks (just like all people in healthy relationships!) are pushed to confront jealousy head on.
It’s important to recognize that it’s okay to feel jealousy! There’s nothing shameful about it. It’s just a feeling.
What is important is what you do with that feeling, and how you come to understand and deal with it.
There are strategies to survive and even work to unlearn jealousy. These can often be applied to other areas in our lives.
In this way, confronting our feelings of jealousy can serve to make us stronger people, strengthening our foundation, our internal security, and our relationships, too.
Myth #5: Polyamory is for enlightened people.
While there are a lot of prejudices against poly people, there can also be a romanticization of it, seeing polyamory as the truly evolved way to live.
The truth is, poly people are not perfect. People hurt each other in polyamory just like they do in monogamy. Poly relationships can fall apart just the same.
Polyamory comes with its own set of challenges, requiring a process of unlearning and challenging our cultural conditioning around love and relationships.
Facts
Fact #1: You are already complete.
Too often, the cultural understanding around monogamy rests on the assumption that you are not enough, that you need another person, your “other half,” to complete you.
But you don’t have to look for someone with whom you can hole up, turning into that all-encompassing two-person unit, closed off and turned inward.
You are already complete.
Coming into polyamory requires seeing yourself as already whole, facing outward and open.
Fact #2: Valuing all of your relationships.
How often have you found yourself losing touch with your friends when you start dating someone?
Or maybe you’ve noticed it in friends – they start dating someone, and pretty soon you don’t see them anymore, or when you do, they always bring their partner.
We’re taught to prioritize our romantic relationships over all other relationships. And there tends to be a strict distinction between the two.
Sometimes monogamy can close people off because of how the parameters of all other relationships are defined – the relationships that aren’t romantic are denoted to “less-than.”
In polyamory, the distinction of a new relationship can be blurred and less defined, allowing more space to nurture new friendships.
Another way that polyamory opens us up to valuing all of our relationships is changing how we view time.
In monogamy, because sex is only shared with one person, we tend to use sex as currency. Sex is how we show value, how we differentiate one relationship from the rest.
But in polyamory, because you may be engaging in sexual relationships with multiple people, you distinguish relationships and show value through the use of time instead.
The more time you spend with someone, the more value you exhibit and place on that relationship.
Time is a factor in platonic relationships as well, and because poly people may have a different sense of how to allocate time, they often come to recognize that they need to share value and affection with friends and lovers alike.
Fact #3: Other people are not your competitors.
When we see love as scarce, we are taught to see others outside of our relationship as potential competitors. Often, these are people of our same gender.
Women, especially, are conditioned by our culture to see other women as their competitors.
But we don’t have to see others in this way.
In polyamory, there is ideally a freedom from this way of thinking that can also be very liberating.
It can be hard to do, especially at first, but when you work to humanize the people your partner is interested in, seeing them as allies rather than rivals, you are liberated from having to be territorial and can come to see everyone around you in a different light.
Seeing those of the same gender as potential enemies is also politically harmful.
Competition amongst women, fueled by our patriarchal cultural conditioning, is incredibly detrimental to our fight for gender equality.
When we work to liberate ourselves and those around us from seeing other women as competitors, we work to strengthen the feminist movement.
Fact #4: You have the right to choose.
No one should ever feel pushed into polyamory by a partner or by those around them – that choice should always be completely yours.
Unfortunately, we don’t usually have models in our lives for building trusting and open polyamorous relationships, so it can take time and work to figure out what you want your relationship to look like.
More people are coming together to support other poly folks, so look in your area for poly meet-up groups. Or start your own!
Check out online poly resources too, like Practical Polyamory, Polyamory Online, and Polyamory.org.
And look for Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s incredible book, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, & Other Adventures
—
Ultimately, the questions to ask yourself are these: What do you truly want from a relationship? What do you value in connecting with others? What kind of relationship will allow you to thrive?
What you need and want can change for you with time, context, and experiences.
What’s important is that you feel open to new experiences, that you’re able grow with others and within yourself, and that you feel empowered to explore.
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Are Single Men "SWINGERS"???
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Posted:Jan 29, 2015 10:57 am
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2015 2:35 pm
7670 Views
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........in my opinion a resounding YES YOU ARE. You approach, date and fuck people in committed relationships. That's the "Lifestyle".
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Pan Sexual
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Posted:Jan 24, 2015 9:38 am
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2015 2:35 pm
7640 Views
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Add this to your list of "labels".
Pansexuality...........
Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people of any sex or gender identity.Self-identified "pansexuals" may consider pansexuality a sexual orientation, and refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.
Pansexuality rejects the gender binary, the "notion of two genders and indeed of specific sexual orientations", as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women.
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This is cool.....
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Posted:Nov 11, 2014 6:46 am
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2014 10:44 am
8825 Views
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----///-\\\----Put This
---|||---|||---On Your
---|||---|||---Profile If
---|||---|||---You Know
----\\\-///----Someone
-----\\///-----Who Has Died
------///\-----Of
-----///\\\----Cancer
----///--\\\---Or Who May Be Suffering From It ... Or Best Of All, SURVIVED It!
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"YOU VIEWD ME"
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Posted:Nov 5, 2014 9:15 am
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2015 6:34 pm
9358 Views
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Here's a message I sent to a guy that thought the game was on just because I "viewed" his profile. Here's what I said.......am I right?
Generally if I "view" and don't flirt it means I seen something in your profile that isn't compatible with us, isn't that how this is supposed to work?
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3
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Str8/BI/Gay/Curious/Comfortable/Hetetroflexible/Open minded/Kinky/
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Posted:Oct 27, 2014 8:39 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2014 5:41 pm
9532 Views
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This is a revised post, this subject comes up a lot so lets talk about it again........
We get a lot of questions about the term "heteroflexible". Bi comfortable and bi curious also apply. Here's our take.... It really is a great term for such an ambiguous subject. I think people are afraid of the "bi" term because it insinuates that you are in some way GAY. Especially guys, because of the obvious double standard. Actually "bi" is a great way to describe a lot of people because all it means is that you have "sexual" contact with both sexes. Its just so misunderstood. GAY is a lifestyle chosen or not. I think if you choose to have a loving monogamous same sex relationship than you may be gay.
In this lifestyle the lines between gay/str8/bi are blurred. The question is if your not gay can you be str8 and still have same sex contact. How far do you need to go to become "bi"?
Make no mistake "bi" means "bisexual". If you are str8 we play str8, if you like "bi" play then we do too. The term "pansexual" also applies to a lot of swingers.
From what I see a lot of guys are more "bi" than they say. The women seem to be pretty open about being "bi". We all fall some where between completely homophobic to totally GAY! We think for most people the needle falls somewhere in the middle.
Here's the deal, for some of you the "bi" thing is a red flag. That of course is okay. Just try not to judge us for being open minded.
So our definition of "heteroflexible" is, Someone who is okay with and doesn't mind some pre-arranged same sex contact.
We can take it or leave it, just another option for fun!
Final thought......we really just consider the "bi" thing another "kink" in our arsenal of sexual pleasures.
Tell us what you think?
>>! happym; happyf;
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Another single male message.......
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Posted:Oct 16, 2014 11:16 am
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2014 5:33 pm
9648 Views
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I like to post messages I send and receive from single guys. Always anonymous of course. I hope it helps you understand how we roll.
I asked if the "guy" was willing to call me to break the ice. He responded
"You and your wife?"
I responded.........
No just me, I need to talk to you first before I even tell her about you. You have to realize we get hit up by 10 to 15 guys a day. I know what we both like and my wife is NOT interested nor does she have the time to talk to that many guys. Plus most guys seem to be "lookers" here. If you and I hit it off than I get my wife involved. I may also want to meet you ahead of my wife. That's how we roll.........in fact I may put this message on my blog. I hope all guys read this and respect why we do what we do. I do not want to put my wife under any pressure or put her in any danger. You never know who your dealing with until you meet them. I just need to do that first......Jim
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Where's the hubby!!!!
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Posted:Sep 29, 2014 6:17 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2014 11:27 am
10014 Views
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Another post, another dilemma.......Here's a recent response to a couple that only posts pics of the wife......
Hi you two,
We are very selective too, Let me ask you a question. Been wanting to ask this when I see a profile like yours. I understand why people don't post "face" pics but why with couples especially couples over 50 you see all theses sexy pictures of the wife and none of the hubby.
If you are looking for couples don't you think we want to know what the hubby looks like, at least some part of him? It makes me think your hiding something. With older couples its very common for the woman to look great at 50 something and the hubby looks like Archie Bunker. I think its important to show your colors especially if there's a big difference in age and looks.
Best regards Jim
Am I wrong to ask this??????
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Single males should meet me first......
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Posted:Sep 29, 2014 6:02 am
Last Updated:Oct 21, 2014 7:12 am
10057 Views
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Recent exchange with a single male..........
Would you be willing to meet me ahead of my wife? We've been chatting forever and I want to meet you. Jim
9/11/2014 8:45 am
I would rather meet both of you
but what did you have in mind
Me
Just trying to get things rolling, Im more available than her. See this is why its so hard to hook up. I can be available 7 days a week day and night, all these guys want to fuck my wife and cant take time to meet me for a fucking cup of coffee!!!!!!!!!! I'm just getting tierd of it.
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New approch to SINGLE GUYS..........
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Posted:Sep 22, 2014 10:50 am
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2014 1:53 am
10122 Views
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As you probably found getting us couples on the same page about meeting is hard. So recently we had the idea of me meeting the guys ahead of my wife. Here's why, first the guy has to like me to be with my wife anyway. If I don't have a good feeling about the dude then it isn't happening and since I have a lot more free time to meet people it makes sense. Plus I can make some decisions on hooking up instead of this endless chatting. Wouldn't you rather get he ball rolling by meeting the hubby then nothing happening at all?
>>!
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Meet & Greets oh my.........
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Posted:Sep 16, 2014 6:55 am
Last Updated:Oct 21, 2014 9:44 pm
10142 Views
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Oh the M&G's.......We've been going to a local M&G just about every week for a year. It's a great way to get to know people first hand and expectations are low due to the public nature of it.
Meeting people here is a whole different ball game, after being gold members here for over a year we still have a hard time meeting people, especially couples. With that said we met a couple here 7 months ago that we still see on a regular basis. It does work but we think it shouldn't take so much work.
"Lets meet for drinks?" Sounds easy, right? It's a lot harder than we thought to get 4 people on the same page about anything. So we have some new ideas........
First: "The phone call" Once again trying to get all 4 people in a sexy mood at the same time and ready to talk seems impossible! So why not the hubby's talk first? Maybe the wives talk first. Same with the meet ups? We all know our spouses and what they like.
We know its not "us" because when we meet people in person we are well received and liked. I do my best to describe what we're into on our profile, I send face pics regularly.
We think with couples to often they try to find something wrong with people, they look for that one phrase to use against you.
What do you think people???? We want some feed back/suggestions.................
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POLY
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Posted:Jul 9, 2014 10:15 pm
Last Updated:Aug 30, 2014 9:06 am
11916 Views
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This is from wiki, I think all people who call them selves swingers should read this carfully........
Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes).[2][3][4]
Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy." The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.
The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved. Polyamory is a less specific term than polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse. (The majority of polygamous cultures are traditionally polygynous, where one husband has multiple wives. Polyandrous societies, in which one wife has multiple husbands, are less common but do exist.[5]) Marriage is not a requirement in polyamorous relationships. The "knowledge and consent of all partners concerned"[6] is a defining characteristic of polyamorous relationships. Distinguishing polyamory from other forms of non-monogamy (e.g., "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, truthful communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved.[7][8] As of July 2009, it was estimated that more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships existed in the United States.[9]
People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, polyamory may embark on a polyamorous relationship when single or already in a monogamous or open relationship. Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships, which commonly consist of people seeking to build long-term relationships with more than one person on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationships. In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized according to those participating. For many, such relationships are ideally built upon values of trust, loyalty, the negotiation of boundaries, and compersion, as well as overcoming jealousy, possessiveness, and the rejection of restrictive cultural standards.[10] Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. The skills and attitudes needed to manage polyamorous relationships add challenges that are not often found in the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships. Polyamory may require a more fluid and flexible approach to love relationship, and yet operate on a complex system of boundaries or rules. Additionally, participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have, nor expect their partners to have, preconceptions as to the duration of the relationship, in contrast to monogamous marriages where a lifelong union is generally the goal. However, polyamorous relationships can and do last many years.
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"Swingers"
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Posted:May 6, 2014 3:40 am
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2014 6:50 pm
11653 Views
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swing • er
Slang
a) An open-minded person who pursues fun playful and flirtatious friendships, which are often, but not always, of a sexual nature.
b) Someone who is comfortable with his or her own sexuality and understands that 'Sex', 'Sexuality' & 'Physical Pleasure' are nothing to be ashamed of.
c) A person who understands that 'Sex' and 'Love' are not the same thing and can each be enjoyed separately and without jealousy.
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To link to this blog (Couple2playxoxo) use [blog Couple2playxoxo] in your messages.
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