Going down?
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Posted:Mar 17, 2014 8:56 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2014 9:28 am
7756 Views
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The elevator at work says this every time I get on. Every time I say, yes please. Then I giggle. Luckily I have never had to ride down with anyone.
So lots and nothing going on in my world. I am still in Juneau, I did not go to Seattle nor did I go home. Nor did I go to Vegas for the TOOL show this past weekend.
I had a session with my therapist on face time last Thursday and have been processing that since.
I can't say I miss home. I miss aspects but don't miss it.
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Hanging on to my Faith
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Posted:Mar 5, 2014 8:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2014 10:40 pm
8418 Views
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I received a text at 1:25 pm Alaska time from my seventeen year old niece that I am pretty sure I will never forget. She and my sister are back in Seattle for what is supposed to be a month of getting on a new drug to keep her cancer at bay for a while. Before the drug could be given she had to do scans. She has multiple new lesions in her right lung and at least one of them appears to be at least a centimeter. This is in comparison to her CT on January 9. We don't have the final radiology report yet. Apparently her scans are a nightmare to read. Between the streaking from her back hardware and the massive scarring from previous surgeries.
Her echocardiogram shows fluid around her heart reducing her function. Her heart is working overtime. Mini consult with the cardiologist and he says it's not an easy place for them to drain it, which is what they'd need to do. She will have a full on consult and another echo early next week for more information.
I have known this was coming; I just didn't want it to come anytime soon. I believe God knows what He is doing and has a plan but seriously? I don't get the plan. I don't understand having to go through hell. I don't understand. I know it will never be explained but I have to hold on to my faith. My faith this beautiful will experience more love, laughter and hopefully miracles than pain. My faith that my sister's heart will heal from the nightmare of watching her go through this and soon leave this world. My faith that there is a heaven for her to go to.
I am angry and broken tonight.
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It's not so bad
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Posted:Mar 4, 2014 10:14 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2014 8:05 pm
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Day 2 and I seem to be settling in. I went grocery shopping for food I am sure will go bad. I bought a box of wine I am sure I will drink. My has already been in trouble for barking 3 hours straight. Yep, feels like home.
I made a pact with myself that I would try not to be so negative about work and I am really trying. I have been using positive statements when I speak to people. I am trying to focus on the good part instead of the bad. So far it is going okay. I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay. Sounds like a bunch of bullshit really but at some point I will either believe it or jump.
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It's not you
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Posted:Mar 2, 2014 10:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 3, 2014 1:25 pm
7985 Views
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It's me-I don't want you.
How often do we go through this with people? There are times it seems I have been with people and they are amazing people. Just not what I want at the time or ever for that matter.
Right now I have feelings for someone; actually feelings. Not sure how to deal with them. I find I get angry when I have feelings toward someone. Angry with myself because I never know how to express or own them. I am not sure if they are real or if I am getting caught up in something.
I have spent so much time having such casual flings or as I referred to them temporary love. Looking for a connection even if fleeting.
I am leaving tomorrow and still not packed. I am trying to get my to go in a kennel. Very difficult to do to a six year old that has never been in a kennel. He is in for a new world; I hope he is happy there.
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It's not you
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Posted:Mar 2, 2014 9:44 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 3:29 pm
7726 Views
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It's me-I don't want you.
How often do we go through this with people? There are times it seems I have been with people and they are amazing people. Just not what I want at the time or ever for that matter.
Right now I have feelings for someone; actually feelings. Not sure how to deal with them. I find I get angry when I have feelings toward someone. Angry with myself because I never know how to express or own them. I am not sure if they are real or if I am getting caught up in something.
I have spent so much time having such casual flings or as I referred to them temporary love. Looking for a connection even if fleeting.
I am leaving tomorrow and still not packed. I am trying to get my to go in a kennel. Very difficult to do to a six year old that has never been in a kennel. He is in for a new world; I hope he is happy there.
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In like a lion
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Posted:Mar 1, 2014 6:09 pm
Last Updated:Mar 15, 2014 7:58 am
7975 Views
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March here is here- I'm not roaring. Yet. January and February were difficult months for me both personally and professionally. I spent the better part of both months fluctuating between depression and anger although I can't tell you who I was angry with. Most likely myself for making the choice to stay in Alaska knowing I was not happy.
Monday starts my temp relocation to Juneau. At first I was really looking forward to it and now I am for the sake of just being away from my house and the craziness of my personal life.
I had a massage today and I could not relax; pretty sad when that happens. It seems when I am trying to do something pleasurable and relaxing my brain decides it is a good time to think about the things I should be doing. How do you turn that off?
It's date night with my mom and to see the Adam's Family. I am actually looking forward to that. Just hoping my will be on good behavior. Lately she has been borderline rude with me which always pisses my mom off which then in turn makes me uncomfortable because I don't need my mom telling me how I should discipline my 19 year old .
I think I would like to disappear...pack only my flip flops and flowy clothes, by a ticket to a beach town and just blend in, working odd jobs to to pay rent...
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breathe
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Posted:Feb 27, 2014 11:28 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 3:29 pm
7735 Views
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Lately I feel the world is spinning and it is all I can do to hang on.I'm not used to not having control of at least one part of my life. Work is not a disaster but close. Home does not feel like home. I'm rarely here.
There was one day last week while in San Diego that I was sitting in the sun enjoying a glass of wine and life felt okay. the picture attached was during that moment. A coworker took it and I like that I look relaxed.
I want that feeling back.
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Alrighty then
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Posted:Feb 22, 2014 9:35 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 3:29 pm
7322 Views
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I just spent the last five days overloading my brain. Extended myself beyond my maximum capabilities of social etiquette. I can usually do a day or two but 4 days, 16 hours a day of having to be ON...didn't work out too well for me.
I'm in the Portland airport ready to board my flight home. I miss my bed. I miss my dog. I miss my .
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Sometimes I have too much to say
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Posted:Feb 16, 2014 10:27 am
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2014 10:44 am
7571 Views
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So I say nothing at all. I would say January and February have been like that for me. There has been so much I have wanted to say. I am hanging by a thread on most days. It takes about every once of strength I have not to literally lose my mind. Thursday while I was getting ready for work I actually looked in the mirror and said wow, you amaze me.
Some reading this may that as some sort of brag; trust me, it's not. Last night was the first time I have slept in my bed in a couple of weeks and I leave again tomorrow for another week. Thankfully this time is somewhere that should be warm. San Diego.
I love the travel aspect, I think I hate the job. I have never hated my job before. This is new to me. I have made the commitment to myself that I will give it six months. All the kinks should be worked out in that time. If I still hate it then I will say thank you for the experience of working for your company and move on.
The emotional toll has been too much even for one who is so used to stuffing. My therapist would like to see me on a weekly basis, he is lucky if I am in town a week a month.
On the bright side I will be taking my back to Juneau with me at the start of the month. I seem to spend way more time there than in Anchorage and while my feeds him and lets him out she does not LOVE him. When I come home on weekends he acts like an unruly . In Juneau he will be able to come to the office with me a few times a week so I think he may be a happy boy.
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Part of me cares
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Posted:Feb 5, 2014 9:35 pm
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2014 1:07 am
8295 Views
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Most of me doesn't-it is a sad time when you don't care about a person that has died from a drug overdose. I am really getting tired of reading about celebrities that have resources available to them to get help and they choose not to. Why should the rest of the world care? Why does this make the headlines?
Why is it so fucking hard to get anyone to pay attention when an everyday person is struggling and ill? So I care about the individual that died; not the celebrity.
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Temporay Relocation
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Posted:Feb 2, 2014 12:34 pm
Last Updated:Feb 2, 2014 11:21 pm
8114 Views
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I received the official go ahead through work to move to Juneau until we find employees. This is good and bad. I love Juneau and I have made wonderful friends there however it is always difficult to live out of a suitcase. At least this way I will always be coming back to the same place and not having to pack too much.
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Where do I go?
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Posted:Jan 21, 2014 8:28 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 3:29 pm
8299 Views
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I have not blogged in a week! WTF!
Okay so I open my page to write and sometimes I write a few paragraphs and then I just delete. I close the page without saving. There are some things I don't want to share with the world.
Some days I think I can share my entire life story and darkest secret. Those days are few and far between. Last week was one of those weeks that just kicked my ass and everything I wrote was whiny and negative. I wondered why my office windows didn't open and knowing it was only the 4th floor I knew nothing serious would happen. Such a drama queen!
So I wrote, I whined, I cried, I purged and I deleted. I came home on Friday and planned on spending most of my 3 day weekend curled with a good book. That did not work out.
I spent most of it with family and friends. I suppose that is a good thing. I do have a tendency to withdraw and now is not the time to do that.
I am happy about Seattle going making to the super bowl. Not that I have been a Seattle fan but Russel Wilson is a huge supporter of the Seattle 's Hospital and has spent a lot of time with my niece and the other there. I can't help but think he is awesome and root for his team.
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Let the travel begin
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Posted:Jan 12, 2014 8:39 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2014 11:23 pm
8460 Views
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Tomorrow starts my week on week off schedule in Juneau. I am looking forward to the trip and seeing my friends. It has been since November since I was last there. I am also looking forward to my privacy, it has been a bit much with the girls around here.
It may be early but I think I need to plan a vacation for around Christmas. I would like to go somewhere warm and with water. Now to find the perfect place.
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