Exactly why I don't do drugs
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Posted:May 17, 2014 12:31 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2014 2:37 pm
15377 Views
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I had a minor procedure yesterday in which I will spare you the details however it reminded me why I don't do drugs. I do NOT like not having control. I remember bits and pieces of recovery. I remember laying in the back of the car and trying to get up the stairs in my house. I remember waking up at some point last night and being really hungry. This morning I feel light headed and hungover.
The positive to this drug thing is I slept. I have not had more than 3 hours of sleep at a time in a few weeks and last night I slept. It felt great. I feel like I could sleep more. Apparently I am not supposed to operate machinery or make life changing decisions this until tomorrow so maybe I should just get back in bed.
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Grumpy
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Posted:May 14, 2014 9:41 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2014 10:50 pm
15683 Views
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So true.
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Removing from the pedestal
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Posted:May 12, 2014 11:26 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2014 4:04 pm
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I am not sure why but I sometimes get this strange idea that there are people that are better than me. I don't get it and I am fully aware of the concept that we all shit the same and we all put our pants on the same but every now and then there is one.
It is relief when I can remove that person from the pedestal in which I placed them. When the closet of skeletons that still have flesh come crashing out with just a slight open of the door. When I start to realize it is not me that has all the issues. Yes, I have issues, we all have issues. But some have BIGGER fucking issues.
I am not embarrassed of who I am. I am not perfect. I have wounds, emotional scars, trust issues, commitment issues, I sometimes drink when I need to feel happy, I eat chocolate when I feel emotional,I think about sex every 3 seconds, I say inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times and I say FUCK a lot.I have feelings that can be hurt just as anyone else.I am honest. Most times too honest. I will tell you things you could care less about because I need to be sure there is no confusion.
I forgive but I don't forget. So I removed him from his pedestal.
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I've said it before
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Posted:May 10, 2014 1:37 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 4:47 pm
7977 Views
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I'll say it again...NEVER PLAY A PLAYER.
It is not smart and we know all the games. We will catch you in the lies you say you will not tell. We know all the excuses, the things to say, the emotions to play. While there are times we players may allow ourselves to be vulnerable and let our guard down it does not mean we trust 100% and will catch on. So if you are given a chance to tell the truth-do it. Chances are you are being a asked a very straight forward question because the person already knows the answer. Lying is really a shitty way to go.
Most people would rather have the raw honesty than being jerked around. If you're not sure about your feelings then say so. Say you want to see other people. Say you want to explore possibilities, say you want to fuck anyone that says yes. Give the other person a chance to make a choice. Don't let them think they are the ONLY person you seek.
I have done this in the past and it back fired-I am now very open about my actions and do not like to surprise people. So when it is done to me I have to wonder if it is karma for my past actions or is it just that some people are just jackasses.
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Why?
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Posted:May 7, 2014 10:49 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2014 1:27 pm
7830 Views
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I think it is in a woman's DNA to make herself crazy, which in turn makes her stressed, which in turn makes her sick. When I was in Juneau I was able to balance work and life. I am not sure how I did it but I did. I have been home less than a week worked three days and have already put in 32 hours. I am not sure if I am avoiding having to think about the fact that I fucking hate this place or if I am really that busy. Today I spent the day wishing I could throw up and popping pain relievers in hopes of getting rid of the headache that throbbed.
I think I am functioning. Barely. I need to get my head together and figure out my shit.
I feel so unorganized and scattered right now.
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Choosing
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Posted:May 6, 2014 1:45 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 4:47 pm
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A common topic in conversations lately is the choice to be present. Fully engaged in conversations, moments and situations. I am rarely present, I admit to multitasking 99% of my day. When I am on a conference call I will review email, return texts, read blogs. When Ina conversation I will think about what else I could be getting done, texting, answering emails and so on. I am trying to change this. I want to be more engaged. It is my May goal.
Being back in Anchorage has been an adjustment. A lot happened to me while I was away. I am nursing a broken heart, loss of friends, huge amounts of loneliness and confusion, guilt and a host of other emotions. I had a much neededtherapy appointment yesterday and at the end of the session he informed me he is moving. Just when we were getting to the stuff that really needed attention. I cried. It felt like another breakup.
More to go over but limited time at the moment. Happy Tuesday.
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Run, avoid and stuff
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Posted:Apr 19, 2014 10:17 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2014 11:49 pm
8978 Views
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Running and avoidance are an amazing escape. I am not talking physical running at this moment although I am learning it is also an amazing escape. I just can't run that far yet; I'll get there. I avoid attachments, confrontations, deep conversations that may bring out anything I am uncomfortable sharing. I can fake a smile, I can act like the person I am with is the most important person I have ever been with. I can even make myself believe that for the few minutes or hours I am with them.
A distraction is what I tend to need. The problem is when I allow myself to feel. Really feel. Open a little. Let the guard down. When I am doing this I say a little prayer that I will not regret it. It happens so seldom yet every time I regret it and every time I add a new layer of protection.
I am starting to forget who I am protecting; them or me.
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There is always plan B
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Posted:Apr 13, 2014 6:27 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2014 11:51 pm
8164 Views
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Feelings are an interesting thing. I have never been good with showing or being open about my feelings. Negative or positive. Today I am dealing with the impact of having feelings I don't know what to do with. Being in Juneau the last two months has been good for me health wise. I have eaten well, exercised, lost weight, developed healthy bonds and felt at peace.
I found myself in tears today because it will soon be over. I will be going back to Anchorage May 3rd. I will be going back to the life I never liked. A home I never had comfort in. Yes, I will continue eating healthy, I will continue hiking with the dog. What of the healthy bonds? I suppose they are always there and I work at creating new ones.
I believe in plans. That is the only thing that works for me. I have to have a plan or I feel out of control. Plan A is not an option so plan B it is. Time will make it better, it always does. Time has always been my enemy. I've had horrible timing.
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Crazy women & tortured hearts
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Posted:Apr 4, 2014 2:02 pm
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2014 7:52 pm
7629 Views
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My ex-gf who I didn't know was my girlfriend and dumped me is on to the random texts about feelings stage. 7:29 am she writes: I keep typing out my thoughts, then deleting them. Suffice it to say if you detect silence, I'm trying to go with the if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all, motto. And I have no idea how long this bratty angry pouty phase will last. Have fun.
So I respond: you're angry?
She responds: I feel like a who's toy has been taken away, and the person that took it makes me angry.
Alrighty then; how do I respond to that? I don't.
Then during my walk at lunch I got a text from my awesome friend that he is leaving Sunday. That's it just leaving.
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Is she a gf if you only fucked once?
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Posted:Apr 3, 2014 10:27 pm
Last Updated:Apr 14, 2014 7:43 am
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I got dumped last night. I didn't think I was in status to get dumped but it was clear I was getting dumped. I met her in Jan; we had fantastic sex. Once. I left town, came back was too busy to see her, we would text, chat every now and then had dinner a few times when time allowed but no sex. She made very clear she wanted sex every time she saw me. I was not mentally there; I had started seeing someone and wanted to see if it was something more than a fling. I told her. She was fine with it, so I thought. I thought we were actually friends. We talked about , life, work, stuff. Imagine my surprise when she told me last night if she couldn't fuck me then there really was no point in hanging out. She mentioned it would be hard for her if she saw me around town but she needed to do this. I sat there kinda dumbfounded. Am I getting dumped? Yes, I am getting dumped. If she didn't look so serious I would have laughed. I almost laughed. I kept a straight face and said okay. What else do you say?
She texted me later last night saying she got a pint of ice cream to help her deal. I did laugh then. I really laughed.
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Checking in
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Posted:Apr 1, 2014 7:00 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 4:47 pm
6950 Views
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I have been in Juneau a month now and I can say with all honesty I have no desire to go back to Anchorage. I don't have much of a choice but I really don't. I went back this weekend and was there for a day and a half; I spent it all with my and a few hours seeing my sister.
Being in Juneau reminds me of Steamboat; the town in small, I walk most places, my friends are outdoorsy types and I seem to smile more. I have done more hiking in the last couple of weeks than I have in the entire 5 years I have been back in Alaska.
I know that says so much about me. I have been depressed and just waiting for each day to end so the next can begin. The last few weeks I have been excited about the day and surprised when it is late. I get lost in the things I am doing. Even work doesn't seem so horrible; I am starting to smile and laugh there again dare I say even enjoying what I do?
I have until May 3 here and I need to not allow myself to fall back into that mode when I do go back to Anchorage. Maybe it means I need new friends, I don't know what it will take to not spiral there again. Of course it could be the added sunlight we are getting this time of year. Either way, I like it. I like where I am and what I am feeling.
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Going down?
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Posted:Mar 17, 2014 9:05 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2014 11:08 am
7894 Views
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The elevator at work says this every time I get on. Every time I say, yes please. Then I giggle. Luckily I have never had to ride down with anyone.
So lots and nothing going on in my world. I am still in Juneau, I did not go to Seattle nor did I go home. Nor did I go to Vegas for the TOOL show this past weekend.
I had a session with my therapist on face time last Thursday and have been processing that since.
I can't say I miss home. I miss aspects but don't miss it.
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