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Blogs > sysper > bicurious blog

newly bi, want to be with men, can't get my mind off women  

sysper 51M
56 posts
7/26/2019 11:51 pm
newly bi, want to be with men, can't get my mind off women

a few weeks ago i came to a calm realization i am a bisexual. (i just love typing that so i'll do it again. i am a bisexual. wow!) in other words i came to myself, & had a sense of relief & inner peace about it.
months before that i had given up on women only because i have not had any success with them, & any hope i have had for a long time is consistently in vain. why put myself through all that pain & disappointment? it makes more sense to cut my losses & accept my fate even though i don't like it. it's healthier for me in the long run.
this made my bisexuality more attractive, as i resolved to put all my efforts,& all my attention, on guys. going for guys is now officially in order, i never have, so it's time to explore this with even more urgency!
let's get something straight. not an incel, not bitter towards women. i don't blame women for my failure. bitter toward myself. i blame myself. i don't know why inadequate for women, but i know i am. neither by soliciting a "ur not inadequate" by using that statement nor in any other way am i looking for sympathy. remember i've decided it's better for me to accept i will never be successful with women. it's less stress, less disappointment. in fact it would be better for me if i didn't consider women could be eye candy, sex partners, romantic interests, soul mates, spouses, etc.
but i can't do that. i realize bisexuality can be pretty fluid. i accept that. that's not my problem. my problem is i want to boldly, bravely & with purpose start to explore the same sex. i need to forget about women. u could say i need to be effectively gay for awhile. but i wind up being drawn back to the heartbreak, the beautiful heartbreak, but still a heartbreak. if i miss out on exploring guys, yes, i'll be disappointed, because i would miss out on exploring a certain side of myself. but if i miss out on exploring women, that wound is much deeper. i can't let it go!
it almost sounds like using men to distract me from women. one point i suspected that. but now i want to be very careful not to discredit my bisexuality. i want to believe i have a genuine interest in guys, & i do. two decades of thinking about it should be proof. i have a right to explore this, & a right to enjoy it & for more. & that's what i want on my mind. & i wish i could explain away my awareness of women as comphet, but it's not. it would make my life a little easier. but here i am, really liking women. i'd be happy about that fact if i had any hope in ever realizing that dream.

HAMONMAN 64M
13128 posts
7/27/2019 12:26 am
Follow your heart . . and your dick.

Both know where you need to go.


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