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| Blogs > rm_longliner002 > longliner002 My Blog |
Daily Dose of Humor for Mar-23-2007
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Daily Dose of Humor for Mar-23-2007 Daily Dose of Humor for Mar-23-2007 ______________________ t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ Play Your Age A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!" ______________________ An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in Texas. Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Ester looks him over, 'Nope.' Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Ester looks up and says, 'Rusty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.' Furious, Rusty yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Ester?' 'Nope,' she replies. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!' To which Ester replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Rusty. Shoulda bought a hat.' ______________________ A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received. ********* My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe " go to hell" ********* Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. ********* Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face ********* Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not ********* I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face ********* I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies ! ********* I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming ********* My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? ______________________ One day, these 2 men come accross a mine shaft. One guy says, I wonder how deep this mine shaft is?" The other guy says, " I don't know. Let's find out" So they find a rock, and they toss it into the mine shaft. They didn't hear anything, so they grabbed a larger rock and tossed it into the shaft. Still hearing nothing, they decide to throw in a railroad tie from nearby railroad tracks. They tosss it in, but still, they can't hear anything hit the botom. Suddenly, a goat runs past them and jumps into the mine shaft!. A third guy comes along and says, "Have either of you seen my goat?" One of the other guys says, "Yes actually we have. One just rtan past us and jumpped into that mine shaft over there." The third guy says, "Oh no... That couldn't have been mine. Mine was tied to a railroad tie." ______________________ A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment." ______________________ A gynecologist wants a change of pace so she decides to become a mechanic. After two weeks' training, there's a test. Each student in the class is required to take apart an engine, and put it back together again. When the results come back, another student sees the gyno's grade and complains, "How did she get a 150% if 100% is a perfect score?" "Well," the teacher says, "you got 50 points for taking the engine apart and 50 for putting it back together again." "So, how did she get 150?" "Well, she took it apart right, so there's 50, she put it back together right, another 50. But, she got an extra fifty for doing it all through the muffler." ______________________ A ventriloquist is walking in the country, when he comes upon a farmer and his standing at the side of the road. He stops and they exchange greetings. The ventriloquist is bored from walking alone for so long, so he decides to have a little fun with the farmer. "Would you mind if I spoke with your dog?" he asks the farmer. "Are you stupid or somethin'?" the farmer says incredulously, "Dogs can't talk!" "Well, I'll give it a shot anyway," the ventriloquist replies. He bends down by the and says, "How ya doin' there, dog?" He then does the voice of the without moving his lips and says "Oh, I'm doin' fine." The farmer is flabbergasted. The ventriloquist proceeds to have a pretend conversation with the dog, asking him how the farmer treats him, where they go for walks, etc. When he's finished, they walk up the path to the farm and go to the stables. "Mind if I talk to your ?" the ventriloquist asks. "You can talk to horses, too? Well, shoot, I guess I don't mind..." answers the farmer. Again, the ventriloquist has a conversation with the animal, asking him how often the farmer takes him out riding, how often he is fed, etc. Then they walk out of the stable towards the fields. The ventriloquist spies a herd of sheep in the pasture. "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" he asks. The farmer turns bright red and stammers, "Them sheep ain't nothing but liars, every single one of 'em!!!" ______________________ |
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