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| Blogs > rm_longliner002 > longliner002 My Blog |
Daily Dose of Humor for Tue-20-2007
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Daily Dose of Humor for Tue-20-2007 Daily Dose of Humor for Tue-20-2007 ______________________ t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ _____________________ Food For Thought I once heard two women going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. ______________________ A blonde and brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." ______________________ It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?" Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning." ______________________ A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bulls eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bulls eyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bulls eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware." "I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those crusty meat pies." _______________________________________ An Irishman's been at the pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So the guy stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls all the way home and at the door stands up and again falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "And what makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on his best innocent face. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again." ______________________ Politness A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied. ______________________ Day Off Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark." ______________________ Well thats it for today thank's for stopping bye |
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