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| Blogs > rm_longliner002 > longliner002 My Blog |
Daily Dose of Humor for Mon, 12 Mar 2007
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Daily Dose of Humor for Mon, 12 Mar 2007 Daily Dose of Humor for Mon, 12 Mar 2007 ______________________ t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. "See, he was kissing his girlfriend Corinne, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together." "I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time." Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?" ______________________ If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software: Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00 ______________________ The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking!!!" ______________________ HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay ," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars , an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" ______________________ Ole the Assistant Doctor - A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients". "Yes, sir..." answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!" And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes.". ______________________ How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer: You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net" Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again Your phone bill is delivered in a box You name your Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom All of your friends have an @ in their names You tell the cab driver you live at http:// 123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html You tell the they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01" You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile  Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect. ______________________ Y. O. D. A (To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A") (As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker). YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I *MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY* YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say *WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT* You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be here to see Y. O. D. A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be here to see Y. O. D. A Come and get yourself clean! Come and have a good meal! Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel! YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got *SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM* YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is *MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT* You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be here to see Y. O. D. A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be here to see Y. O. D. A Don't just stand in the rain! You're all covered with mud! come and sample my homemade crud! OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha *HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE* YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be GOING, off to save all your friends? To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you *WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK* You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A You should stay here and train! You don't have to save Han! If you do so, you'll lose your hand! You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A. (repeat and fade). ______________________ well folks thats it for today thanks for stopping here BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. |
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