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| Blogs > rm_longliner002 > longliner002 My Blog |
Daily Dose of Humor Mon Feb 26- 2007
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Daily Dose of Humor Mon Feb 26- 2007 Daily Dose of Humor Mon Feb 26- 2007 ______________________ t o d a y 's j o k es. ______________________ There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys said "I don't believe you." She said, "It's true. Just test me!" "Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked? "A" she answered. ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a long list. "Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Letters Trick Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe. ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Golf Balls A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball." "And?" asked the doctor. "Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey – this one here looks like yours!'" ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ This walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer. The bartender is amazed, he's never seen a talking before. He says "wow, I've never seen a talking before. How are ya buddy?" The drinks his beer, orders another and says "Not too good, not too good. I just lost my job." The bartender says "you lost your job? Well, you could get a job easy! I can get you a job!" So he gets on the phone and he calls the circus. He tells them he has a talking dog there, and would they hire him? They say sure, they'll hire him as soon as he can get there. So the bartender goes back, tells the dog "Hey, good news, I got you a job!" "Really? That's great, where is it?" "The Circus!" "The Circus? But I'm an electrician!" ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your d*ck is bigger than your brother's". Moral of the story: Don't ask silly questions! ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET ON WOMEN Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: -------------------- 1. Surface Tension--soft and warm. 2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced. 3. Boils at nothing. 4. Freezes without reason. 5. Melts with special reason. 6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly. 7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore. 8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points. 9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age. 10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: -------------------- 1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood. 4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation. 5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3) COMMON USES: ------------ 1. Highly ornamental. 2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned. SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: ----------------------- 1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state. 2. Turns green when compared to better specimen. HAZARDS: --------- 1. May explode spontaneously without cause. 2. Illegal to own more than one specimen at a time. 3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards ________________________________________________________ Great To Be A Guy: Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said... If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Joke:Two Statues For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female,faced each other in a city park,until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorically. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head. ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Redneck Joke: Lottery Winner Jack is waiting for the lottery draw one week and can't believe his luck. Six numbers, the jackpot and he's the only winner. He phones the lottery organizers who invite him down to an award ceremony. So there he is, at the press conference with the photographers and the oversized novelty check etc... when a lottery spokesman pulls him aside. "Jack", he says, "we're having a bit of trouble with the prizes this week". "What's that", Jack asks. "Well, a hell of a lot of people had three and four numbers and we're really short on cash because of it. Now I know we're meant to be given you the whole 10 million today but, and here me out, how about we give you 4 million this week, 3 million the week after, then 2 million the week after that and we'll give you the other million in the fourth week. How does that sound?" Jack stops and says, "Look if your going to screw around then you can give me my dollar back now." ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Joke: Crying Donkey A guy walks into a Bar and looks at a sign on the wall that reads: $50 if you make my donkey laugh! The guy thinks he can do it, so he goes out back to the donkey, to try his luck. A few minutes later the bar owner goes and sees his donkey laughing his guts out. The barman goes over to the man and says how did you do it. The man replies. "I can't tell you it's a secret, just give me my $50 bucks. The next day this same guy goes back the bar, and finds another sign that reads: $50 if you make my donkey cry Again, the man thinks he can do it, so back he goes out to the donkey. A short time later, the bar owner now finds his donkey balling it's eyes out. "How did you do that" The bar keep demands. The man says. "I really shouldn't tell you, but since your going to pay me another $50 dollars, what the heck". "It was really very simple to make your donkey laugh, I told him that I had a bigger penis than he did". "To make him cry, I proved it"!!! ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ thats it for today folks Thanks for stopping in BYEEEEEEEEE |
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