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Blogs > Crzygryl > My Blog

I Stand Defeated  

Crzygryl 58F
162 posts
10/29/2019 12:45 pm
I Stand Defeated

I am writing this in non poetry form. I am defeated. I have overcome a childhood of abuse, intense mental abuse and ultimate sexual abuse. I overcame husband that put me in the hospital twice barely surviving his wrath because of the looks God gave me and the attention it brings me. I prosecuted the 2nd time. I was able find a job with a Colorado Governors office while he was active... an hold my own among his staff of 72, all having degrees in political science or psychology... I held my own with a GED for 3.5 years then held jobs as executive assistant 2 presidents of major companies.

I am not a piece of shit. I have letters from my sons telling they could not live without . I have been a good mom and a productive member of society.

Now I need help and have no one. The narcissist that I called my friend has taken everything away from me, and I sit here starring at a bottle of muscle relaxers saying myself should I end the pain or fight My phone service has been suspended. I ran out of gas on the 610 Sunday night, after my ex took the pennies and dimes I had for gas and threw them into his yard well beyond my collection of them. I was subsequently towed. Now I sit here with no food in my house, no phone service...and my paid for Tahoe sitting in a HPD storage lot. In that truck is my computer with my life on it, my drivers license my and the only copy of a book I was about to publish.

I am defeated. I am now losing my sons too. Their dad is taking them away because I have lost everything. I will not survive my own existence without those boys...I am not sexy...not smart...not funny...not anything without the people that gave purpose after living a life that I barely survived with my sanity intact. My ex stole my phone. When I went to retrieve it he fractured my nose. So now I can say with the loss of my sons right around the corner that now I am defeated as a human . I have lost everything that ever meant anything to me. I am defeated as a woman and as a human being.

So tell me what choices do I have now...all I see is this bottle of pills that seem to say here is your way out. But inside of me I scream “fuck off I will beat this” and yet in defeat I know it’s a lie. Now what?

Now what?
CrzyGryl
mc_justmc 64M

10/29/2019 7:49 pm

 Live to fight another day. You can beat this.


jajo696 113F
Ask me for a photo
4287 posts
10/29/2019 10:13 pm

 listen to your innner being......fight another day. Your sons need you.....still. There are women support services in every area....reach out . Good Luck ~~


pureromnce 58M
324 posts
10/30/2019 10:58 pm

 Google “houston tx women's services” - there are local people guaranteed to help. Just reach out.


nightstray 59M  
14 posts
11/17/2019 12:49 am

 Call me, text me, whatever


Crzygryl replies on 11/23/2019 1:46 pm:
you were here and I missed it because I have been scraping and toiling to survive right now...my kids are so stressed out and my 16 yr old went and got a jib so he can buy food and clothes for himself and his brother. I have failed them but I will not give up. For some reason no one is buying my jewelry which is wekk made and beautiful, it just not mainstream...its for the unique...like me. Anyway, I got my truck out but have just a few days to pay back that loan and my phone has been off for over a month...How did i let this happen....what I haven't really shared is I have damaged rotator cuff and a ruptured disc in my C7 (neck) and was told over a month ago by an ER doctor that I needed an ortho surgeon immediately...but I cant just stop and get surgery even though the pain is diabolical at times.Anyway I am sorry I missed meeting you, I really did want to. Have a good day!

Crzygryl 58F
46 posts
11/23/2019 1:51 pm

 Please know that when I wrote that I was at a very low point in my life...but the truth is my children are what keeps me tethered to my sanity and to this earth and I wouldn't leave them no matter whats going on, they are heart and soul, my inspiration, my joy, my drive and the motivators of my future success. I might be in a shithole now but I am hopeful and motivated to be what i know i can be...a successful paid writer/author with a secure future and mad love for my beloved. Thanks for your encouragement...I really do appreciate it!!
CrzyGryl


curious_jake2 45M
1 post
11/27/2019 1:27 am

 I feel this. Really hope things are better for you. Had a similar injury that left me homebound most of last year. Keep fighting and reaching out. No shame in either.


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