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| Blogs > bipolybabe69 > "..yes I said yes I will Yes." |
When is the right time to have sex for the first time?
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When is the right time to have sex for the first time? I don't mean necessarily the real first time EVER, like this post The First TimeEver You Penetrated My Pussy. I mean the first time with a new partner. As part of my preparation to work as a Sex Coach, I completed a whole series of weekend workshops on "Understanding Men," offered by PAX Programs. The creator of the programs, Alison Armstrong, spent thousands of hours interviewing men, women and couples to find out what helps make partnership work. I was curious to find out what she said about the right time for a woman to have sex the first time with a man she desires because 1) women are traditionally the gatekeepers to sex 2) Armstrong's approach is based on the idea that men are biologically hard-wired to be hunters and women as gatherers. I wondered if she'd say something about making the man pursue his quarry for a long time. But, no, her answer was brilliant in my opinion. The right time to have sex the first time --or to experiment with something new (to her) like a 3some or anal sex-- is when the woman believes there's a good chance of getting her needs met. Now, when I've asked women what their needs are for having sex the first time, they're often puzzled. So, a question that generates an answer is, "Think of when you've been upset about providing sex for the first time (or trying something new), what went wrong and what would make it better for you?" So, a woman needs to answer that question for before, during, right after and two to five days after. And what can NEVER happen during sex. Because I'm an admitted SLUT (See [post 3774162]), I consider having sex for the first time quite often. Because it's pretty much a coin toss about whether a guy will have the skill or stamina to meet my sexual needs and desires, I don't think so much about that one. So, instead, I ask myself, "Do I want to see him naked?" I figure that if he's not entirely clueless about a woman's body and he's interested in my pleasure, I can probably teach him over time the operating instructions for what I know gives me a great experience and then I'm happy to let someone, who's certified in my body, freelance so I can figure out what else I might not yet know that I'd enjoy. So, my considerations before are pretty simple: 1) Do I know his first and last name? 2) Will I be in a place I consider safe? or 3) If I'm going to his place, do I have a safe call person? 4) Am I willing to have a safer sex conversation before having sex? There's only one thing that can NOT happen during sex. Unless it's a work or emergency, there should be no phone interruptions. Some times it's fun to call my friends while fucking so they can join in by phone, but it's not something I do all the time. And only if my sex partner agrees. There was this one time, see, when a guy who liked humiliation had me sitting on a "throne" over his face. He encouraged me to call my gal pals. I rounded up three of my slutty pals for a conference call and enjoyed a gab session while he licked my ass. That was sorta fun, actually, due to the novelty of the situation. During sex the first time, I prefer to keep it short and have a specified amount of time. I think 25-45 minutes is sufficient for a trial run. I like a phone call or text the next day, with some kind words of appreciation, and that's about it. If the sex was fun or passable, I'm willing to try it another time or two. If the sex doesn't excite me to want more after the third time, I move on. I have two questions that puzzle me, however. 1) I do wonder if I make a mistake in having sex the first time with a new potential partner the first time I meet him. My 20-year-old , who is wise beyond her years, asked me recently, "Mom, do you ever consider going more slowly when what you're looking for a is a partner rather than just another fuck buddy?" I replied automatically, "No, because I like sex too much to wait around, decide I like someone and find out he sucks in bed." But now I'm wondering if --given the cultural standards about what it means to be a slut-- if I'm making a mistake and a man appreciates me less because I'm an easy "yes." And 2) I wonder if a man is making a mistake when he says to me, "No, not this time. Next time." I'm of the opinion that the minute a woman says anything that resembles "Let's have sex," the man should immediately stop talking and disrobe (unless they're in the middle of a crowded restaurant). Keep talking and you risk having her discover she doesn't really want to spend a single second more with you, much less get naked with you. In my case, I've twice recently had guys tell me "No, not this time." One said he was holding out because it would build my desire for him. The other said it's just his preference to meet the first time and NOT have sex so there's no pressure for the first meeting. I think they both made a mistake. In the first case, I won't be horny, longing for the guy who wants to make me wait. I'll simply have sex with someone else. And, in the second case, now I feel pressure to put out the next time. And I HATE to feel like sex is compulsory. That will make me less likely to want to see the guy again, because he'll assume I'm an easy "yes" on the second meeting. Not so. I figure it's a delightful surprise to meet a woman who is easy to get into bed on the first date. Now I have time to think a whole lot about whether I want to see him naked and what it will be like. And my fantasies about first time sex are rarely good. Because I've had a LOT of first time sex experiences. My first time with a my new BFF Jade was the best first time sex EVER. Okay, so it wasn't really the first time to have sex with her. We'd had side by side sex with other partners and it was the first time we were focused solely on one another. Rarely do I find it satisfying with a guy the first time. So, my expectations are pretty low. Ah ha, that's why I figure we might as well get it out of the way so we can go on to improve after the first time. So, anyway, those are the things that I'll think about and then decide I don't want to have sex with someone who gave me too long to think about it! Or I'll say "no" on the second date just to be a contrarian. Or, am I really displaying my need to be in control? When a man has said "no" to me once, by saying "no" the next time, am I really just being obstinate and taking back my role as gatekeeper? What about you? When do you think is the right time to have sex for the first time? {=}{=}{=} BiPolyBabe69 aka Angie |
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Didn't read all of this - too long, sorry  - but for me it's when it feels right for both of us, which is when I suspect it's right for the majority of people.
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whenever you desire
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At times, it is age thing too. If I like her and hopefully she likes me, I just as well have sex and remove the pressure and drama. But at same time, I want it safe and effective.  Cum to my blog and respond.  Have a great kissing fun time. 
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Whenever both feel most comfortable
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The first time to have sex with someone is whenever the mood strikes you. It's plain and simple! There are too many silly rule people put in place because of this whole slut shaming thing. I will spare you my whole, "there is no such thing as a slut" rant. I posted about that years ago. Any guy who has sex with a woman, and sees her as "giving it up too easy", is a backwards thinking MF, who views sex as a conquest thing, which it certainly is not IMHO. Will I have sex on a first date/meet... yes certainly! But I don't approach first date/meets looking to have sex. I look to enjoy meet that lady, communicating with her, because it might be the only time I will interact with her. Honestly, I think if two people are meeting, the is at least a passing desire or curiosity about what sharing that level of intimacy would be like, my belief is it's hardwired in males and females... asexual individuals notwithstanding. Meeting will either make that desire/curiosity greater or it won't. But I digress... someone sexual ability and compatible with another is always a crap shoot. The reason I look to focus on enjoying the other person company, is the fact that all other things being equal, the more you enjoy the person in the absence of sex, the better the sex will be when and if it comes. After all, it's really the brain that need to be satisfied... it is the BIG sex organ at the center of it all, IMHO. Find pleasure in giving pleasure
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I'd rather have sex and see how it goes as soon as I feel interested in doing so. Only my ex would cause me to regret it. Now he's my ex and that is a damned good thing. My current main squeeze tells me to do whatever I feel like I want to do.  MOST of the time I'm well behaved...but if you weren't, and, enjoyed having your ass handed to you, visit my blog and become a subscriber. There you can read all about how I am actively authoring, and rewriting, my life .Trying to get a bigger audience? Here's my .02 Content What Content 8 Things To Consider Towards Better Content {=}
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...with whomever I'd like. MOST of the time I'm well behaved...but if you weren't, and, enjoyed having your ass handed to you, visit my blog and become a subscriber. There you can read all about how I am actively authoring, and rewriting, my life . Trying to get a bigger audience? Here's my .02 Content What Content 8 Things To Consider Towards Better Content {=}
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Alison Armstrong's comment about the right time for the first time -- when the women feels there's a good chance her needs will be met -- is a very interesting answer. It removes any arbitrary societal- or self-imposed barrier (not until the third date, not until five days after our first date to make sure he/she contacts me again, not until we're married). it removes the idea that it might be wrong to have sex on the first date. Instead, it places the decision exactly where it should be placed: In the realm of the concept that sex exists as a pleasurable activity, and that pleasure should be the foremost consideration. Gonna have to mentally munch this one for a bit... Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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