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| Blogs > matt-battler > Captain Caveman finally speaks |
Dick Dastardly goes dating - the lowdown dirty tricks blog
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Dick Dastardly goes dating - the lowdown dirty tricks blog So I'm a graduate and I just about manage to hold down a job that requires a lot of creative thinking and brain power, but yes I'll admit I still retain a fondness for the cartoons of my childhood. One of my favourites was and still is The Wacky Races. Being a caveman I even know the names of the Slag Brothers - Rock and Gravel, two massive heroes of mine  . Crucially The Wacky Races is embellished by the presence of one of TV culture's greatest pantomime villains - Dick Dastardly.  The Slag Brothers - unsubtle, but have the word 'integrity' chipped into their headstones Dick Dastardly actually has a good set of wheels and could win the odd race if he drove sensibly, but this isn't in his make up and he's always plotting/scheming to make the rest of the field crash with oil slicks, rotating signposts, blowing up bridges etc. Dick is as successful as Wile E. Coyote is in catching the roadrunner, however, and the race is always won by someone less immoral. If you've been online for more than 5 minutes you know that people lie a lot on sites like these, but they plot and scheme a lot too. I've seen a few real life Dick Dastardlys in my time, attempting to use fiendish ruses and ploys to get laid. People that attempt to use ruses to get laid start out with the premise that being their normal self isn't going to get them laid so they have to invent something, however they're usually not as smart as they think they are. At university a group of guys I knew pretended they'd won a lottery and bought a Ferrari with the winnings - they were in the Student Union newspaper pictured in the showroom and everything! Unfortunately they looked shifty and unconvincing in the pic and fellow students never saw them driving this fabled Ferrari so that plot went down like a lead balloon. What do people do on dating sites to deceive beyond the obvious lies about height, cock size, wallet size? One creative, but thankfully futile dirty trick I spotted is the Fan Scam. This is where someone creates an alter ego that shows an overwhelming interest in you and wants to shout it from the rootops, turning a dating site into an endorsement forum - so you screengrab a pic of a pretty girl from another site, or mine your hard drive for someone who sent you a bunch of pics in good faith but has left the scene. As you only have one pair of hands your own profile sits in the chatroom saying nothing as your fan screams a tribute over and over. The person I spotted carrying out this scam was sufficiently lazy and stupid to cut and paste the same message about 250 times: Hibzi: Orant4 you are one hot male!!!!!!!! As it's so unusual to see a message like this unprompted towards a guy who doesn't respond it certainly grabs attention. However when Hibzi was probed by others to reveal herself on cam she faltered, saying she only showed on Skype - there's a shock! I found this ploy slightly annoying but I'm not online to be a Little Hitler so I let it go - others felt more strongly, however and Orant4 disappeared for a while - presumably reported and banned. Orant4 didn't give up though, like Dick Dastardly he kept on plotting and scheming, tweaking his scam a little . . . only a little. He returned, but this time with a gay fan, another man posting the same tribute message over and over, just like his female limpet before. Having gay fans is less of an achievement but it does mean 100 straight guys aren't going to hassle you. Always having a sidekick in the room with you pasting the same message was too much of a coincidence and Orant4 went AWOL again. It's good to know cheats never prosper, I'm sure I'm not the only one that's spotted a shameless ploy like this - I wonder what other dirty tricks are out there . . .  Every fiend needs a sidekick - Dick Dastardly and Muttley the Dog |
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As I'm sure you know by now, I'm a bit of a sports fan, this includes being a MASSIVE track & field fan. A few years ago the governing body, the IAAF, commissioned a study into the psychology of cheating - i.e. not the pharmacology of the drugs being taken but the mindset of those that were taking them. They wanted to find out why people were still cheating despite out-of-competition testing and improved detection techniques. What they discovered is that essentially there are two types of coaches - the ones that light a fire under their athletes and are super-positive, and those that are like drill-sargeants and give out a lot of tough love. The coaches that are mainly critical chip away at the self-esteem of athletes to the point that they fear they'll never be good enough, despite their good results, and turn to drugs (sometimes convincing themselves that everybody else is doing the same). If as a single guy you go into chatrooms a lot, and you become acutely aware that most women aren't that interested in you, other guys are doing better and it's a very competitive environment you have three choices: 1) Give up 2) Adapt and improve 3) Cheat I suppose creative cheating evolves online because it's easier to be deceptive than in real life, and the dirty tricks merchants probably believe it's not enough to hype themselves up to be slightly better than they really are, they want people to swallow a 'big lie' like the Nazi Propagandists. There is a logic to this as having chatted to some women online who are very popular I know they are wise to most of the conventional hype surrounding things like cock size and performance levels.
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There's Dick Dastardly dirty tricks a plenty! Dastardlies everywhere - planning, scheming and sliding sideways... Sliding sideways with a new name, sliding when their wife/husband catches them being dastardly or just sliding off their office chair due to chatroomitus. I have to admit though that 'slider spotting' is quite good fun. Rock Slag
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I thought I'd be able to tempt my favourite rock chick into a response by giving prominence to a pair of guys fresh out of the quarry  Ahhh Rock and Gravel you absolute legends  Don't get me started on the people who do a disappearing act and then creep back onto the site again, usually with a completely unrelated name. I've seen some profiles where the body text is simply 'I used to be on here before' and nothing else, oh really, I used to drive a Nissan, now I drive a Mini - has that helped you make up your mind whether to meet me or not? What do you mean no! If someone comes back on the site and they can't be bothered to explain why they left, and why they've returned you should assume they must've passed an STD onto someone they met and they disappeared in a puff of embarrassment, or they cancelled/stood up various people probably costing them money in non-refundable travel/accommodation costs.
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Rock fights!
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I must confess when I've talked to the freaks and weirdos on here, many of whom really should be locked up, no one has owned up to a boulder face-plant fetish as a form of foreplay - that does make watersports and being whipped seem pretty unimaginative and tame! The fun you can have with rocks and flints . . . if only people weren't wedded to their mobile phones so much they'd reconnect with such simple pleasures
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Locked up - that made me laugh... Come on Mr Battler they make you laugh daily. Without them, life would be duller than a day after a UK election! 'What are you into Lovelylassie?' 'Well, I just can't seem to get enough of boulderfaceplanting at the moment' Are you sure you meant flint or did you mean chert you uneducatedrockman? What fun can you have with flint apart from lighting a few fires...  . Chert on the other hand comes along with chalk - you can draw with it and light fires... Call yourself a caveman... pfft! Rock Slag
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To be honest I love democracy and elections soooooo much it takes me several days to calm down after a nationwide one  Boulder fetish . . . Yeah you should really start to weave that into your early exchanges with some of the dregs you encounter on here: Random dweeb: So what are you into, I'm into Aunt/Nephew roleplay, chemsex and bi-sexual darkroom fun Lassie: Yawn . . . I'm really into boulderplay at the moment, nothing else comes close Random dweeb: !!!!!!! (runs a mile, calls PTSD helpline) Yes I really did mean flint, I've been using them as axeheads and for sparking fires for several thousand years and I'm not going to be tempted into any of your newfangled inventions such as agriculture or wheels (just a fad or what?)
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The first maps were drawn by cavemen - your people are clever! Although they were of the sky and not of the land... You spend too much time on your back staring up!
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Your average cavewoman will only put up with me for so long at night, especially if it's been a while since my yearly bath, so that leaves a lot of time free for sitting round the fire and grunting . . . and stargazing. It's pretty easy to tell the time by the stars though younger cavemen have become soft and lazy, using moondials instead.
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