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| Blogs > myelin36 > Dirty Little Secrets |
Signs You Need to Get Laid (For Women)
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Signs You Need to Get Laid (For Women) Dry spells are never fun, but hey, they happen! And sometimes for good reason—like maybe you just got out of a long-term relationship and need some time to heal on your own. In other circumstances, you know when you need to get laid. But just in case you need a friendly reminder, here are some telltale signs that your sexual frustration is at an all-time high: 19. You got excited when your hot co-worker texted you the eggplant emoji. Ohhh. You meant we should order eggplant for lunch. Got it. Next time, use your words! Also, please refrain from the banana emoji... and don't even get us started with the lollipop. 18. Your Internet browser has more X-rated searches than anything else. If you type the letter "p" into a search engine and it auto-populates PornHub instead of Pandora... 1. Clear your search history (no one needs to see that), and 2. Step away from the computer. 17. You got a little turned on by your beef burrito. Whoa. That Chipotle tasted so spicy that you almost forgot how hot sex can be! Yeah, there's no real correlation between the two, but the lack of sex is really messing with those synapses in your brain. 16. You made your friend spill every detail of her last date. Nothing is off limits, because you demand (and need) to know everything: what foreplay was involved, which positions they tried, how long it lasted. It's like listening to Fifty Shades of Grey as an audiobook. 15. You actively searched through your phone to find someone to sext. OK if a sext requires work, then it's probably not a great idea. Another word to the wise: never sext someone just because you feel obligated to. But hey, if hitting up hot bartender from last summer for a textual quickie is what you have on the agenda for tonight, who am I to stop you? 14. The last date you had was with your Rabbit. We love sex toys just as much as the next lady, but if you've been logging more time with a vibrator than another human being, it's probably time to take a break. 13. You may or may not have forgotten what exactly counts as sex. It's an honest mistake, but here's a clue: a one-night stand is not something you can find in IKEA. 12.You start to really appreciate the story lines in porn. Have you forgotten what really happens during sex? Let us remind you that porn is a fantasy: Most people can't last for 23 minutes and 24 seconds. 11. Your mailman is looking hot. Did he get a new haircut? Has he been hitting the gym? Hmmm. Either way, he and Craig from accounting are basically eye candy at this point. 10. You snapped at the barista for spelling your name with a 'Z'—AGAIN! COME ON. How many names really have a "z" in them? Are the odds of me having super quirky parents really that high that you decided to just go for it? Am I being punk'd? No, this outburst isn't PMS—this is sexual frustration. 9. You accidentally forgot to take a few birth control pills this month and DIDN'T panic. One of your pills just rolled under your nightstand and into a crack and you'll never see it again? Eh, no biggie. You haven't had sex this month (or for the last several) so I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're safe. 8. You start to reconsider your horrible ex. Is he single? The relationship was toxic, but the sex was fantastic. Worth it? Repeat after us: No, no it's not. 7. You haven't worried about STDs since the summer Olympics. Since your last checkup, the only strange fluids to enter your body recently came from that kale smoothie you bought at that sketchy street vendor down the block. It may or not have had a hair in it. 6. You've had sex dreams with Channing Tatum seven times this week. Damn you, alarm clock. Why does it always wake you up just when he was about to whip out some Magic Mike moves?  5. Your sexy underwear hasn't made it into rotation in a while. We get it; why throw on the all-lace black panties when the hottest thing you'll be doing today is bikram yoga? But come on, don’t you miss them? 4. The neighborhood cats are getting more action than you are. It may not be mating season in your house, but it certainly is in nature. All that howling and screeching you hear outside at night? That's just their way of telling you they're having sex and you're not. 3. Your bedroom is not exactly in might-bring-a-date-home-tonight shape. A mountain of dirty laundry? Check. Shoes scattered in every direction? Check. A little bit of leftover food? Check. It's time to put some sex on your schedule—if only for the motivation to clean. 2. You kinda let that whole grooming situation go down there. Sure, bush might be making a comeback. But if you've just downright neglected your nether regions, you're probably not feeling your sexiest. 1. You haven't had sex since Britney Spears dated Justin Timberlake. This isn't a dry spell—it's a full-on drought. Stop reading now, and alert the Weather Channel. How many of these are you guilty of? For me, 19, 18, 17, 15, 14, 11, 10, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4. My house is immaculate because I clean constantly to keep my mind off sex! |
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That was hilarious! I'll add one of my own... You know you need to get laid when... You contemplate waiting for the spin cycle of your washing machine while doing laundry (wink)
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12/28/2014 8:12 am |
LOL I love them all. And not being a woman I really can't relate but they are funny. Maybe I should do one for the guys. I think I have experience in the dry spell area there.
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#3 never wouldn't stop me. lol Thoughts from the Garden...
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12/29/2014 2:36 pm |
Yer funny, gal! Really enjoy reading your thoughts. Thanks.
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