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| Blogs > itzchic824 > The Voices Inside |
Jokes
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Jokes Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... Dear Friend, The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma **** An amnesiac walks into a bar. He approaches a beautiful woman and says, “So, do I come here often?” **** Where do hospital patients like to play peek-a-boo? ****** In the I.C.U. ****** *** The wine merchant's expert taster had died and the director was looking to hire a new person. A drunk with a ragged appearance came in to apply for the position. The director wondered what he could do to get rid of him. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old , grown on a northern slope , matured in steel containers. Low grade but just acceptable." "That's correct" said the amazed director. "Try another glass." "A Cabernet sauvignon, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results." "Completely correct – another one." "This is a superior chardonnay champagne, high grade and exclusive" said the drunk calmly. The director was astonished. He went over to his secretary and whispered something to her. She left the room and returned shortly with a glass of urine. The drunk tasted it , paused then said, "Blonde 26 years old and three months pregnant – and if I don't get the job I can name the father!" ************ I don't know why strippers get mad when i give them monopoly money. They don't really expect me to believe those tits are real. **** A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo. A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be r*ped and sodomized!" "It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that." ***** A blonde , wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." I sent an Angel to watch over you last night, it returned in a hurry. I asked why, it said "Angels can't watch porn." Thanks for fucking traumatizing my fucking Angel! Don't bother trying to figure me out. Not even the little voices in my head understand me. It's pointless! |
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I like the stripper and monopoly money joke made me really laugh out loud
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